I don’t feel I was born in the wrong body. I feel I was born trans. Which for me means transgressing gender. Truly I feel neither. Sometimes I feel a good mix of both. Politically I wish I could keep my gender marker female (out of solidarity to an oppressed group) but socially (safety reasons/travel ect.) it is at this time impossible. I believe my gender cannot at all fit into the binary of male or female. I feel I travel through out the gender spectrum. Currently my gender identity is queer femme guy. But I just heard G3 (gender gifted guy) which I really really like. In the past, when I’ve been told, “You’re just like a guy” and it’s from a female, it’s because I’ve said something stupid or sexist or both. Not a good compliment at all. There’s been the internal conflict of not wanting to be a “man” because I recognize that we live in a world society that doesn’t particularly value women as a whole. I know that may sound harsh but it feels true to me.
When I think back honestly on my childhood trying to be careful not to change the past to fit the present..I was pretty genderless in my head. My mom and my Maw Maw would say to me, “You are not a boy” and I would think okay. I didn’t understand why they would even say that but obviously I was exuding some social male characteristics. I was nowhere near a tomboy. I read a lot. I kept to myself. What were they seeing? Anyone who knew me growing up knows that my mom dressed me ’til I was about 16. Colorful stuff, just really girly stuff. I was like her little doll. This is not an exaggeration. When I got a job (16) and could buy clothes for myself, I definitely bought boy stuff only. I remember buying my first set of boxers and feeling great. When I was a little little kid my brother and I sometimes had the same outfits. I loved it. Long yellow shorts with a dragon on one of the legs, white tank top, and black pumas is one I remember. When I was 7 or 8 I asked to be a boy! for Halloween and wore my brothers pants and a hat and my mom drew a mustache on me with her mascara pencil thing. When I was 15 I shaved my head for the first time. My dad did it for me. This was 5or 6 months before I met The Girl that made me think ‘Oh, I’m gay’. So the male gender expression was first. When I was in my first year at college I used to say with exasperation “Women”. Like you can’t figure them out, can’t please them blah blah. One day my roommate said “You say that like you’re not one.” So obviously it was there. I started a play in my playwriting class where the main character was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and was hospitalized so that doctors could fix her. When I was 18, I remember waking up, and telling my girlfriend at the time that we had to go buy me a sports bra like right now. Something that would flatten my chest. I was so upset. Couldn’t deal with my AA’s 🙂 at all. I still didn’t make the connection all the way about how I felt and what it meant and what could be done. My gf at the time told me if I didn’t want to have a miserable life I would have to accept the fact that I was female. This started a few years of girl tops, Victoria Secret’s bras and panties, finger nail polish. Oy! This set my transition back a few years. There are a lot of people who don’t transition because of their partners/spouse/gf’s/bf’s.
This is why I’m glad I’m single now, though I’m sure it would be just as awesome if I were with a supportive person. But not just to do with the trans thing, which is a part of me, but not at all the most important thing about me or what I’m going through right now.
My sexuality was definitely geared towards boys up until about 16. And then picked back up again at 25. I was fooling around with boys at like 5. My mom was worried that I was fast. If I were born a boy I would have been a queer little black boy growing up in South Central and Compton, in the 80’s/early 90’s.. I know there were some. I think to myself would I have survived? Would my dad have loved me? I’m glad that I was born as I was. Plus, I’m one of those guys who’s never had/doesn’t have penis envy (so far). I always thought it would be terribly distracting to have one. Useful for making babies and/or other sexual stuff, but when not in use, I wouldn’t want it there. So so so queer.
I am more than my body. I have body issues like a lot of folk (not just trans folk). I actually have a thing against being too thin. Whatever that means. And when I was big(ger) I didn’t feel right. I could barely recognize myself. It was like being in a funny not fitting quite right costume. I wonder will I ever be really cool with my body? I just want to feel good. Healthy. Oh, and have cute guys and beautiful women drool when they see me. Ha Ha. Apparently, I’m destined to be loved for my beautiful mind and my courageous-tender heart and my wonderful sense of humor and my always present modesty 🙂 *clears throat* Uh, yeh.