gives you strength. Being loved deeply gives you courage.
The past 7 days have been wow. So much going on. I learned a lot about myself and others. As tumultuous as my inner life has been, my external life, especially with people I don’t really know has been exceedingly good. People on the street, service people I encounter, neighbors, have all been very nice to me, smiling, chatting..and today an older lady saw me walking with two big things of Arrowhead water and my bag and nodded at me, then turned around an offered me a ride home. I thought, why is everyone being so nice? and then I thought is that what people think when I’m nice to them? Geez…
In the last two days I’ve had a push to get back into studying Chinese philosophy.
What preceded this was partly due to the fact that my libido has gone up considerably. To the point where..I can’t even say it’s distracting, it’s all consuming. I’ve always been interested in the unification of mind, soul, and body. Yoga as a practice has been great for that. I’ve also been keen on being spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically healthy. And then by extension, bringing that to my relationships with others.
For over three years I was celibate. No sexual involvement with anyone. No intention and no desire? I was using that energy to heal. The last few months before I decided to live as a celibate I had been, I felt, misusing my sexual energy. Even though I was being physically safe and it was always consensual, it wasn’t love based or even like based. Sex and love did not go together and that was how it was. And it does not have to (for some people). At some point when I was younger it did. Then later it didn’t. I could totally separate the two. And people’s feelings were hurt and ultimately I hurt too. For me, the underlying purpose of my life was to unite-to make whole-to integrate the parts of myself that I had left behind due to past trauma. To practice love. To cultivate love. With myself, in my friendships. With others. To engage intimately, sexually-powerfully, with another, yet withhold my love was counterproductive. So I gave up sex and focused on love. Still the separation was there. Love love love. No sex.
This year I met someone that I liked that I wanted to have sex with. I gave up the celibate life after weeks of thinking about it. I could deal with like and sex and friendship. But I was still keeping love and sex separate. There ended up being no sex and no friendship. Which is kinda funny and not. It taught me that I had moved beyond that way of relating. To engage in sexual union without love would be a soul mistake on my part. With all the gender stuff that’s been up and the no relating with people on a sexual leveI (there’s a connection there) I feel my sexuality/sexual expression is in need of attention and healing. And I’ve been getting more in touch with it in the last few months.
So back to the all I’ve been thinking about is sex 🙂 Because I’m thinking about it I decided to read about it. I bought a book called Chinese Sexual Astrology-Eastern Secrets to Mind-Blowing Sex by Shelly Wu. As an astrology book I would give it no higher than a C. As a whole though, I’d give the book a B+.
The following is a short exerpt.
* From the earliest Chinese Records, the sex act between a man and a woman was seen as a powerful and essential force in nature that keeps the “earth circling the heavens.” The merging of man and woman-yang and yin-was thought to be of the highest spiritual realms and a reflection of an organized and sacred universe. Therefore, the importance of making love was highly emphasized, not only for physical well-being and longevity, but for emotional and spiritual cultivation as well. *
I really dig this. As far as yin and yang, in Chinese Astrology they are the essence not specifically the gender. For me, on my personal path, I try to maintain a balance of the energies. Though I feel in the past year especially I can feel more feminine energy inside and around me. It may be so overwhelming because I ignored it for so many years. I didn’t want to be seen as girly but as soon as I decided to medically transition and now that I am in the actual early stages, I can more readily accept the what would be considered traditionally feminine aspects of myself. It feels good. I feel more myself. More balanced complete grounded.