One of the things that was going on in the few months before I started medical transition was that I began to mourn the fact that I would never know women as a woman. That whole sisterhood thing. I was told by a few cisgender (bio-women) that I was idealizing sisterhood. It’s not like books and movies. But I KNOW some people have this because I have it with the guys that I hang out with. Gay guys I’ve known for years and the guys I’ve met in the past year. And the male members of my family.
I’ve always felt a bit awkward around women in general because I have the tendency to get infatuated easily and get really goofy smiley and fumbly with my words and hot and sweaty..alot of uh’s and silence and unintentional possibly creepy staring. Hey, if something or someone is beautiful I want to look and keep looking. Basically I am and/or have been in the past, reduced to a not so bright nor confident boy in his early teens. And I would just feel really obvious and really queer. So now that I’m doing my thing and actually I think the fact that I am surrounded by young women at work, well, I’m a bunch more comfortable talking and interacting and joking around with women people in general. A woman smiling at me or laughing at something I’ve said is like one of the best things in the whole world 🙂 Also sweet kisses on my cheek. I remember every single one.
So now, after watching a documentary called U People about 30 women of color in Brooklyn filming a music video, well.. I feel really inspired and know that if I write for women I’ll get to be around them all day at work, much like my current situation but telling stories not slinging coffee. I guess I just feel like now I won’t miss out. Like there’s no loss. Only gain.
Anyway..obviously I’m going through a really heavy girl phase. I’m dreaming about kids and being a parent and ideally ‘all my chilren’ will have me and a mother as well.
Heart open. Finger toes eyes crossed.