I Get Out (Psychological Locks)

Today I was scheduled for a clean sweep. Basically, it’s a list of things that need to be cleaned in the store. During the sweep I listened to The Score (The Fugees), then my Lauryn Hill Playlist, Turn The Lights Down Low, The Sweetest Thing, His Eyes Is On The Sparrow, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, and on the way home, the MTV Unplugged album. Because you’re so curious, I’ll tell you what I’m listening to now. Jeff Buckley’s Grace. A top 10 of mine.

In 2002, a gf told me about Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged. She had seen it and it reminded her of me. I bought the double CD and listened. And felt. And thought how Lauryn was/is so incredibly brave. I’ve listened to it all the way through maybe less than ten times in the 7 years that I’ve had it. It’s heavy. It brings up pain. It is educational. And inspiring. It encourages growth, healing, individuation. It can be and has been easily dismissed because it is stripped of everything but a mind (unbalanced?) a heart, a soul, ready to expose and share and be. The music is bare. A guitar. A few chords. A voice. Sometimes scratchy. Always beautiful. To my ears at least.

“Some times good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together” Marilyn Monroe

Interlude 5 (the last two minutes or so) Lauryn Hill MTV Unplugged Disc 2

..and trust me, it’s a work. It’s not something that happens over night. We all have to be introduced to each other. I’m telling you I know that I’m up here and you know you know Lauryn Hill. You came to see Lauryn Hill but this the first time ya’ll meeting me. You see what I’m sayin? Don’t think you met me before. Okay. And and and as I grow you gon meet a little bit more. You gon be exposed to the real me a little bit more. I had to tell- I had to introduce-had to re-introduce myself to everybody I know. My mother. My father. (audience member: Amen) Listen. Ya’ll never knew me. I want to introduce you to me. I’m just getting to know me. And you know what? Anything that’s not growing is dead. So we betta be changing. You know people will say to me-they would hold me hostage. Seriously. Emotionally hostage. They say “uh she’s changin. The money’s changin her.” I say listen the money’s not changin me. God is changing me. I am changing because that’s a natural part of life. We all supposed to change. Who wakes up and is the same way tomorrow? and the day after that? Nobody is. Let the experience teach you. And be real man. And there’s going to be warfare involved because there’s some people who prefer deception see. They say “uh, I don’t like this new expression” and I say well what? You want two-thirds of me to stay outside? I’m a whole person. You can’t say, you know, two-thirds of Lauryn come in here. Only two-thirds is acceptable. I’m a whole person you know. And that’s everybody. We always talk about spiritual warfare. We didn’t realize it was within relationships. It’s emotional warfare. Being able to tell the people we love the most, the truth about ourselves. And when they say, “hey, that doesn’t fit into our box of you.” And we say, well, I ain’t in no box. Don’t try to put me in one.

************

It’s interesting to be witness to someone’s spiritual (re)birth. Sometimes it is a messy affair as anyone who’s witnessed any body or animal being physically born. I know the rumors are out there that Lauryn Hill is mentally ill. Could be true. Could be not.

Some of us: The Healers. The Peacemakers. The Truth Seekers. The Dreamers. The Diagnosed. The Builders. The Lovers. The Artists. The Innovators. The Brave Ones. Some of us are moving towards our best lives. Towards our happiest versions of ourselves.

I’m making” tols of nistakes” but having a good time and changing course when I need to. Quick to apologize. Quick to love. Quick to retreat. Though slow to let things go. Choosing my battles. Standing still when I need to. Being quiet when I need to. Moving forward when I need to. Feeling every feeling I can feel. Organizing my thoughts. Promising myself that I’ll clean my bathroom soon. Eating mini apple pies. Winding down for the night. Being strengthened in love through friendship, connection with family, strangers. Encouraging myself to be the writer I’ve always wanted to be: Shameless.

And yes I’m afraid sometimes. And frustrated . And overwhelmed. And yes..I still sometimes get back in bed so I can get back out and start the day again. And yes..yes is in my top 3 of favorite words :0

At the core core core I am a brightsider.
Completely optimistic. (every Tuesday at 3p) that is o_O

endojé-love unite(s) us

Cheers all

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