This Boy Bleeds

Friend of Mine

like alpha, the first time
like omega, when you spot spot spot
in between going away and coming back
like a tease on last nerves
flow
flows and flows
like river like life
you know woman
what it’s like
to be (an)other for awhile
sacred
as lambs roaring at lions
all my blessings flow
like water gain
wax and wane
experience(d) pain
complete pleasure
rawness
exhaustion
withdrawal
changes
in appetite and attitude
letting go
when everything, every word, everyone has a
hold on
every urge, every touch
taste smell kiss
kiss pulse come real
hard for me
in God’s image.
Imagine time beginning and ending
every 28 days or so
breaking down walls
in preparation for
new life.

*****
wrote that piece in ’99
*****
Sometimes soon my period will stop due to the effects of testosterone. I have all my original plumbing( “o.p”) as long as they remain healthy. I get pap smears. I do breast self examinations. The plan is to have chest reconstruction surgery as soon as I can. I will always be biologically female though. This is the body I have right now and I take care of it the best I can.

I’ve been studying biology/anatomy recently. I am reading a book called Healing Love Through The Tao, Cultivating Female Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia & Maneewan Chia and my gynecologist was thanked in the forward. I went for my pap in August and it was awesome. I had a super traumatic examination at Planned Parenthood, in early spring) where I ended up in tears because it physically hurt and my feelings were hurt. The woman doing the exam kept saying well it shouldn’t hurt, are we going to be able to do this, relax, blah blah..we couldn’t do the scrape for the cervical cancer screening but she did a manual examination and said things felt fine. In early summer I was wandering around North Park and saw a woman working in a garden in front of a house. The “house” turned out to be the building for Progressive Health Services in San Diego. There’s a center in Santa Monica too. When I finally worked up the courage to go see her in August, she sat me down, and showed me illustrations about women’s sexual organs, vulva, uterus, cervix and so on. When we did the exam we used a plastic speculum and she gave me a mirror and I put the speculum in myself. And she helped me out by opening it up and doing the scrape because I was too scared and a bit freaked out.

I went to talk to my gynecologist on Monday. Mainly about career and educational stuff and she shared with me some of her experiences. My gynecologist did the illustrations and was part of a collective (Federation of Feminist’s Women’s Health) that created a book called A New View of A Woman’s Body. It is revolutionary. It is exciting and empowering to be able to get to know myself on that level. She’s in the process of getting a website up to make it available to purchase on line at a reasonable price ($22 plus shipping and handling). I told her I’d help get the word out and thanked her for all that she’s done and does for the community.

I was nervous going in but glad that I did. We talked about how biologically men and women aren’t all that different. How what goes on during arousal is similar. How it sucks to be ignorant of self on any level. How slow change can be. How class (social economic) is sometimes limiting to what one can do as far as education and career plans go. How art is being taken out of school. How tenure for professors may be a thing of the past. How the traditional health care system is neither healthy or humane. I do not particularly trust a doctor who’s almost falling done with exhaustion when I see them. How things seem chaotic but it’s really things coming to the forefront, coming to the light. How the qualities that are deemed masculine and feminine traits are human traits. A bit about my transition. The things I’m going through socially. It was cool convo. I was kinda floored after though and had to come home and take a nap.

Writing this also brings on that urge to lie down and sleep.

2 thoughts on “This Boy Bleeds

  1. This is one of my favorite blogs of yours you should see about submitting it to a LGBT mag or website.

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