If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Going through a second puberty is very interesting. I can’t tell what is hormones, what is just being able to be me after having struggled for so many years, and/or if it’s just being older and more secure and sure of myself. It’s most likely, all of the above. There’s a line that goes through my mind sometimes: “Some of us live(d) our hard parts first.” I’m not saying things are easy but there’s this surety that everything will be okay. When things get hard, everything will work out. When has it not? I’m here. Right now. That’s proof. Whatever happens I’ll be able to handle it. And I have friends and support (groups) I can go to when I need to.

Tonight, I am feeling 16. 16 was a big year for me. I was 16 in 94/95. I got my first job. Had my own money. Could buy my own clothes. Had no curfew because I had always been a responsible kid. Met the girl that made me think “oh my god. I’m gay”. Came out to my cousin, brother, and mom as a lesbian. Assistant directed a high school production of “The Wiz”. Wrote and directed two one act plays. Won an award as Best Director from the Motley? Players (drama club) at my school. Skipped school a lot. Usually fourth period so me and my friends could have a two hour lunch. Off campus. Had the girl that made me think “oh my god. I’m gay” completely stop talking to me after I told her I liked her. Wrote my first short story. Worked two jobs for awhile. Then left the first when previously mentioned girl stopped talking to me. Cried a lot. Met my first gf. The first reciprocal in love type relationship. Realized that my heart and my feelings had been so hurt that it felt like I had a brick wall in front of me and I couldn’t tear it down fast enough to express what I felt for said first gf. Wrote a couple songs. Tried to commit suicide 9 weeks before graduation because I couldn’t live (with my mother) anymore. Too oppressive. And killing myself seemed like it would be such a relief. Passed my AP History and AP English exams. Got rejected from early admissions NYU Tisch School of Arts. Got into UCLA and some other schools that I forget. Decided to attend UCLA. Hung out with friends. Broke up and got back together with my gf. Decided that she would be my first. Those are the things that come to mind.

Tonight, I feel like I’m 16. But I’m not. I’ve lived 31 years, 6 months, and 19 days. I get upset more easily and I think this is partly because I was never able to express my anger or bad moods before. When I was a kid it was just plain unsafe. My life was threatened. Seriously. My mom would say, “I’ll knock your head off. You’ll see your head rolling down the hall.” Once I said I would call protective services? for child abuse. And she said, “If you can make it to the phone.” I still hear that in my head. She has only hit me a few times. As an adult, she has told me, “I didn’t have to whoop you, all I had to do was talk to you and you would cry.” But there was always the threat. The constant underlining threat. So there was fear.

It has been said, that love can’t exist where fear is. This isn’t true. It was all mixed up together. The saying maybe should be: When fear is present, the highest vibration of love and light cannot be realized.

So my growing up with my mother could be? deemed psychological and emotional abuse. The thing is..is that my mom is partially responsible for taking my biological father’s life. When she was 20, and 8 months pregnant with me, they got into it about something stupid about him driving her car and him not giving her the keys back and she lost her temper, and he was stabbed in the chest with a butter knife! and he bled to death. I say partially responsible because the incident triggered a fear of hers from when she was a teenager. Her older sister had a bf that used to beat her up and my mom promised herself that no man would ever control her or treat her like that. The other reason I say partially to blame is that he may have been saved had the ambulance and police arrived in a timely manner. The neighborhood was dangerous and they took their time. There bias/prejudice/fear?/indifference? helped my mom not have to serve much jail time but it cost a life. Although, I felt sorry for her, (she is very sorry for what happened but she hasn’t forgiven herself yet) because she has a temper, I was always afraid of her on some level. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to upset her. I wanted to just kinda be invisible and do good and not cause any problems. This led to repression of my Self. My actual self was not allowed to be and develop. This is why transition is not just about gender for me. It’s literally allowing myself to be who I am. And explore who I am. And integrate those aspects of myself that I let go or left behind for whatever reasons. Because there are always reasons. Besides the experiences that I just shared, the repression of Self was due to not feeling that I would be accepted and loved as I was/am. Everyone has this need. To be loved and accepted as is. I always felt off. Wrong. Different. Queer. Out of place in my immediate family. I think a lot of people may feel this way. Not just LGBTQ people. I think maybe a lot of kids and teenagers go through this. i.e. “Parent’s Just Don’t Understand” (The Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff).

Tonight, I feel like I’m 16. But I’m not. I’ve lived 31 years, 6 months, and 19 days. I get upset/frustrated more easily and I think this is partly an effect of Testosterone and/or fluctuating hormones. I consider myself a patient person. I am a patient person. Recently though, I have to really stop myself and concentrate on it. There’s a tone of impatience in my voice when I’m dealing with customers or my parents or when I go out to eat. I order something for instance. I know what I want and a lot of times people don’t listen to what I’m saying. This triggers childhood stuff. And I get frustrated/pissy, and I sound like an asshole. I can hear it in my voice. I’ve always been pretty specific when I order food or drinks but I don’t recall being so bitchy.

Tonight I feel like I’m 16. I see a beautiful woman and sometimes my mouth waters. Seriously. I’ll just be sitting and doing nothing at all and I’ll feel horny as f@$%. I’m reveling in the changes in my body. The strength I feel. The ease in which I move. The energy energy energy I have and feel. Just being in my body, wanting to push it. Feeling like I can do anything. A bit cocky but not cocky in the arrogant asshole way I did when I was in my late teens. It’s a playful kinda cocky. I feel sexy. And very cute. My voice is going in and out up and down. Partially from T and also because I did a lot of talking in the last two days. Yesterday was an 8 hours shift and today was a 7 and tomorrow I’m going to try to talk as little as possible. There’s also this feeling of freedom. I don’t have kids. I’m not dating anybody. I feel creative. I work a part time job. I study, read, write, hang out. More times than not I can take the day as it comes. I walk down the street and there’s like six different buses/ways to go depending on which way I go. Where I want to go. Sometimes I decide at the corner. It’s great.

And I have many different people I can meet up with from different walks of life just like when I was in my teens. My world has expanded in the last two years, due to my job working with the public, and being part of the community in which I live. When I was in high school I would float from group to group. Never joining a club because I didn’t want to HAVE TO be there. I wanted the option to go when I wanted to. Senior Year, when pictures were being taken of all the clubs and all the members, people were surprised that I wasn’t there. If I recall correctly, the only clubs I actually belonged to were Math Club and Drama Club. It’s like that now. I just kinda float around. I don’t make plans with people too much in advance. A few days at most. Same day usually.

Tonight, I feel like I’m 16. Truth is, I’ve lived almost another 16 years since then. I have all this life experience and different ways of seeing things. Much more confidence. I understand people and social interactions a wee bit more. I’m not afraid to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I’m not afraid of being lost because I always find my way to where I need to be/go. And if I need direction(s)/help, I ask. In a way, because of this transition, this coming into my own, this second awesome puberty, I feel that I get to live out this phrase:

If I knew then, what I know now.

And it’s totally rad!

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