you can’t let anything get in your way. John Laroche-Adaptation
I’ve been thinking about relationship love lately. About what I desireneed. I forget a lot because I get busy living. You know. Life. And maybe if I think too much about it I would cry more and ache more and not want to get out of bed. I’d be depressed because I didn’t have that intimate day to day love with someone special. And when I think of love and the person I want to be with I think the person I want to be with..is that just a dream? Is that what I really want..? One person. It seems bizarre. And then sometimes it’s okay. As long as we don’t say forever or for the rest of our lives. I can love forever but I don’t want to be with any one person forever. I don’t like to think of it too much because I just can’t picture it properly. And it makes me tense. And makes me feel stupid because I’m stressing over something that’s not here and that when it is I’m sure I’ll be super happy and wish I hadn’t wasted one moment worrying about it. The future could hold anything. You can’t control when you fall in love and how your life will change when you do. The total unpredictability of being intertwined with someone energetically, mentally, physically. I’ve been with just me for soooo long. My life flows. I’m afraid it would stop flowing. Will I stop flowing?
from a blog written 09 April 23
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I had a very intense, unexpected, and important dream Sunday night. The dream ended with me crying and I woke up and sobbed hysterically for a bit. IT WAS SO REAL. It bookends a dream I had two years back. They basically are about transition and love.
The first one was about a guy I met at a party when I was on vacation with my family. I was 17 in the dream. I was ignoring him, like whatever, but he was persistent. At one point we were dancing and he put his forehead on mine and started singing/rapping? softly. It was really very intimate and we were connected. Then we were lovers and it was great. We loved everywhere and it felt so good and so right. My mom and I were walking and talking and it was the end of our summer and vacation. I was saying to her: Mom I don’t know what I’m going to do. She said: Well you can stay here or he can come with us. I fell down and started crying so hard. I’m tearing up as I write this. I was so relieved. I really wanted to be with him so badly. I didn’t want to be without him.
The one on Sunday night had a bunch of stuff in it. The main part was about this girl. I know this girl in real life. I’ve known her since the beginning of December. I dreamed of her before We were in a really sunny room laying on a bed of white sheets. We were fully clothed and just talking and laughing and she was smiling at me. And we were just happy. In real life people notice her beauty. People say she could be a model. When I see her I barely see her. That sounds weird I know but it’s like she’s totally invisible to me and she just pops up in my vision field. She’s had a few people tell her this before. So it’s her energy. Anyway, her outer beauty? is not at all what I notice. I feel her inside me. It hasn’t been a big deal though. At the most it’s been a curiousity. I feel a genoristy towards her. Like, there’s nothing that she could ask that I wouldn’t do. And I feel really protective of her. And we can be totally silent for long whiles and then be talky. She’s very cautious in revealing herself. I am not at all. She’s in a long term monogamous relationship so she’s off my radar plus she’s in the closet 😦 which I know from experience robs you of vital life energy. Anyway back to the dream. In the dream she says to me: Are we going to talk about what’s going on with us? and I’m like uh. I was about to play dumb and she cuts me off and says, you know what I’m talking about. So we get on a small bus that’s going a short distance and we talk then we get off and sit on a bench and talk. Then the bus is about to leave and we decide to get on it and go back. Then we are on another bench and she’s holding me and she says, I don’t want you to transition and I say I’m starting at the end of April. I am super adamant. Done deal. She holds me tight and she says, I know you’re going to transition. Can’t you just wait a few months? I want to be with you like this now. And I want to be with her so badly. I love her very much. And she’s holding me and I start crying really hard and wake up crying. I realize now how & why people put off their transitions for other people. Love and wanting to be loved is a powerful thing. Oh. I forgot to say. The last words before waking were a question and an answer.
What’s most important?
To love and be loved is more important than transition.
So I woke up freaked out because of that last statement and because I want that intense love feeling of you’re mine, I’m yours and that’s that. And I was freaked out because I thought, Am I in love with this girl in real life? Fuck. The other thing is that I had gone to bed at 930ish..and thought it was morning when I woke up because it felt like I had dreamed all night. It was only 11p.
So all day I’m upset. I calm down around 6p on Monday. I go to my Trans Coming Out Group and luckily none of the guys I’m close to attended so I got to talk about the dream. One woman I had never met before says that she thinks that the girl represents myself holding on to that last part of being a woman. And that makes me think of the first dream. Because that dream put my transition on hold because I thought if I was going to be with this guy I couldn’t transition because he wouldn’t want me/recognize me if I was trans in body I mean. If he represents myself that changes the interpretation a bit.
What I got from the dream(s) is a super charge of confidence and clarity. Yes, I will transition no matter. That loving and being loved IS the most important thing to me. I belong to myself and God and share myself with others. That I am for sure heart/eyes open to sharing myself and my life with someONE special. I am free to be myself, express myself, as far as needing to interact with a variety of people and love as much as I can/as much as I am allowed (agape/platonic) while maintaining healthy boundaries. This is essential to my life purpose and happiness. And as with any thing right now it has to be a day by day thing. I can’t stand the idea of being taken for granted or stuck. I don’t need to ask permission to be me or settle for anything less. I feel I can have exactly what I want. And I’ve been really fucked up recently doubting myself because of my past (relationships.) I’ve been called a heartbreaker (which hurts) and been told that I always have one foot out the door. It’s been a long while and a long road. I have learned an incredible amount and I have grown and this is what I was talking about when I was saying I need(ed) to update my view of myself. I have no doubt I can be a good whatever (friend/lover) in a relationship. I know that it will take time/patience/work. I trust that I am able and to make good choices. I trust people to be themselves. People tell you who they are if you pay attention. Not only in words but in deeds. Trusting people with ME, however takes time.
Right now I just want to hang out, have fun, meet people, be creative, in all ways.
I just now thought about the importance of communication in my life and the terms “Keep in TOUCH. Stay in TOUCH.” It’s how I feel connected to others.
Whoa nelly! This is super long.
One more thing. It’s a quote from one of my favorite books. “People are never perfect, but love can be. . . . Loving makes love. Loving makes itself. We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love.” Still Life With Woodpecker-Tom Robbins