Ive been wanting to update for awhile. Whenever I think of updating, it’s usually some random couple of lines or I’ll think of a topic that I want to explore and it seems too daunting and like I’ll not have time to write it all out. So basically, no updates because I think I have too little or too much too say. It’s that damn Goldilocks Syndrome. I’m always looking for the just right. This is not a bad thing in certain situations. It can show a respect and knowledge of one’s self and desires. It can show a healthy penchant for experimenting until one finds what’s right for themselves. But sometimes, as in this case, it’s just limiting and frustrating and self-defeating. So here I am.
School is school. I’m a good student. My job is blah. I’ve been at the new store for almost 3 months and my job has now officially become just a job. I’d be okay if I never ever ever ever went back. It’s not fun. I have to bring the fun and sometimes it’s tough knowing going in that I have to bring the fun. Which is to say, there’s hardly a time when I’m matched, high energy to high energy. The overall tone of my fellow partners is nasty nice. People are put down but not in an overly malicious way. It’s subtle with rare glimpses of vulnerability and genuineness. I called in sick today. I was sick today. This morning, a little before 5 am I woke up gasping for air, coughing, mixed with queasiness like I was going to be sick and my stomach was rumbling all over the place and my head felt really airy/spinny. No fun. Last week, Tuesday night? maybe, I had a very similar experience, except I just went back to sleep. The next day I remembered waking up and being really sick and then I must have just layed back down and went to sleep. I woke up fine. Today on the other hand I was sick for awhile. I woke up again around 11 and still felt not so good. I finally felt okay enough to go out to get something to eat around 3. My body is tired and I’m grumpy and my eyes hurt. Because I rarely complain, I enjoy it a bit when I do. I also feel slightly guilty so I’ll name some good things that happened today.
I got a book from the library that’s been popping up for me in different ways for the last 6 months. It’s called 13 Reasons Why. It’s a YA book by Jay Asher and I’m going to read it soon. I bought some replacement ear buds for my ipod. I’ve been walking around with only one of my ear buds working for like 2 weeks because I couldn’t find the same ones anywhere. I found some today but the music store also had some that I had last year and they happened to be hot pink. I’ve been talking about bringing hot pink back for like two years now. I want some hot pink sun glasses for Pride this summer. So I got these groovy hot pink ear buds. I hesitated a bit because I’m being read as a guy and I didn’t want people to think I was a girl or question my gender based on the fact that I was wearing pink. But fuck it. I’m going to rock the hot pink : ) They were marked on sale for 18.88 but when I went to pay for them they were 14.88!! The original price was 34.99. Score!! Other good stuff, I updated my books I’ve read and wrote reviews on my goodreads. Fucked around on FB. Read the last Chapter I needed to read before my midterm. I thought alot.
I want to move beyond where I am. I want to write more. I only want to do work that I love. Where my heart is always engaged. I want to move beyond my fear of the unknown. I know it’s human, I’d just like to live with more faith. More Joy. I’d like to laugh more and play more and hug and kiss more. I’d like to create more. I want to live in more peace. More beautiful surroundings. More green and sea. Less asphalt, concrete, and cars.
I am grateful for all the good in my life. There is much good. I recognize this. Just want to give up anything any thoughts/fears that are holding me back from living my happiest life, being my happiest, healthiest self.
Time for something(s) new.