Tonight I had dinner with a friend. I hadn’t seen him in a month and we caught up. I found out someone I care about/once cared about? is moving back to my city and I felt weird. Not happy. Just off. I needed a drink. I don’t drink often. I’ve had one drink this year, before tonight. Feeling nice and buzzed and friendly I went with my friend to a boys night out. Every Thursday starting this week is a transguy social group thing. It used to be on Wednesday and I never went ’cause I had school. So there were two other guys there. A guy I liked last year and a friend of mine. The guy I liked started T 5 days before me and I’ve seen him a few times in the last 11 months, since we started our medical transition. We caught up. If I hadn’t been buzzed I don’t know if I would have stayed or gone. I found out important shit that I didn’t know last year when I was interested in him and we were seeing each other but not dating and both not looking for a relationship. I realize how lucky I am that I didn’t get into a sexual relationship with him but I was energetically entangled with him and it took two hard days to flush his energy from my system, and months of reconciling my feelings about myself, him, and transition, what qualities I want for my friendships and what I really, heart’s desire, want for my romantic/sexual relationships.
I’m a bit drunk, not tipsy, not buzzed, and I’m home. Drinking Mike’s Peach Margaritas which I’ve never had before. I made a special trip to the store to completely indulge in this rare mood. And I put on Fight Club ’cause it’s a favorite of mine but I don’t get to watch it often because I’m usually not in vibration with it but sometimes I am and tonight is one of those nights. And the point is, why I’m here, why I’m writing this:
It’s clear to me if I could punch this guys face , hard and fast, and more than once, and we could fight it out, we could be friends. Maybe one of my teeth would be lo0se tomorrow and I’d have bruises and I’d hurt but everything would be okay. We never fucked but I’d like to fuck him up and be buddies afterwards. ‘Cause tonight listening to him talk, looking into his eyes, checking out his body, I felt….not so nice, not engaged, a bit numb, wanting to be friendly, but not generous. Slightly critical. And just glad that I don’t know him better. That I didn’t socialize with him last year after pride. I’m hardly ever on guard but I seriously don’t want to share a hug with him unless, until, I get to possibly knock him to the ground.
There. I said it. I’m not all rainbows and butterflies.
And the woman moving back to my city, possibly, I’ll see in passing but I know, I know now, that we aren’t friends, because I don’t feel insecure and weird around my friends. And I can’t force myself and you can’t force anyone to be a friend.