It Is What It Is

I feel that the world is shrinking
Creativity is surging
I want to do everything
but I have to choose what to do now. Right now.

My perception is changing
My world has changed

I feel it inside and it feels sorta like feeling your bones grow or your hair.
Imperceptible and painful

I feel in between
and maybe by now I should be used to this feeling.
I’m walking in between lives.
I have choices to make.
I’ve been waiting and time has run out.
Time is up.
The time is now.

I feel
Ungrounded
Things seem unreal
Things seem serious and
silly

I’m working too many hours but my job just got interesting because my manager is back from maternity leave and I’ve been working with her and I haven’t closed in two weeks and that’s all I did pretty much the whole summer..so my job is same ole same ole and completely new but I don’t want to be there anymore. Let alone for 7 or 8 hours.

Rent’s due. Past due. When will I pay it? When I have the money. When will I have money? When I have money.

My feelings for my parents are sorta like my feelings for my ex-wife. I wish them well but don’t want to tell them anything about my life or hear anything about theirs. I imagine them hurt and wanting to know me and feeling confused. Not my ex-wife. She probably doesn’t think of me. But my parents..if they are not thinking of me at all, all the better. I can let go of this guilt.

I have much love in my heart and shine all over. I laugh and joke around with people but the people that I share blood lines with, I hardly know and they hardly know me. I feel cut off from them but I don’t want to be close with them at this time.

I want to not judge this. It is what it is.

I seem to keep coming back to this state. Knowing I am loving but not acting in a way that I feel is loving. And feeling odd. Perplexed. Unhappy. This is perception. The truth is that there is love flowing thru everything and obviously there is absolute self-love going on. The thing is..I don’t hang out or engage with toxic people if I don’t have to. Right now, I deal with people at work but it’s minimal. How do you explain to people you grew up with, who love you, that you’re basically allergic to them. You feel sick at the thought of talking to them or being with them. It’s me, not you. It’s you, not me. Or do you just stop calling? Avoid? I think about my folks everyday and..I don’t call. I don’t want to hear my old name..or girl..or fear in their voices..or hurt..or anger. Things will never be the same and just like when my ex wife and I divorced..I don’t feel up to repairing/building anew our relationship. I don’t have it in me. No desire. No will to expend that energy. I cannot say this to them. So..I don’t call.

2 thoughts on “It Is What It Is

  1. I bet it felt good to write stuff down. It was great texting with you. I love the new backround on the blog to 🙂

    • It was good texting with you too. Like a broken record or a song on repeat: I love you and I am glad for your presence in my life. Your love and support are invaluable. As far as the new blog layout..I needed a change. I was going back and forth between two. This is a bit punk and goes along with my current mood (heated creativity) and Rent obsession. The other was write by candlelight brown ink quill romantic script. Both speak to the writer in me. I was going to text you like the last time I changed it but I knew you were doing the birthday party thing! xo

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