So What?

I love you.
So what?

I watched Slumdog Millionaire for the first time. It finished just about an hour and a half ago. It was brilliantly made. All the kids were awesome. Bravo Danny Boyle (the director). I love the idea: It is Written. I believe in destiny. Not as fixed. Though some things are. A certain choice. Certain choices will lead you to this definitely. I believe in possibilities. I believe in probabilities. I believe in right timing. If Latika had chosen fear over love would that have been “written” also. Ultimately it was her choice to follow her heart.

Follow your heart.

That statement gets kicked around a lot. I am not afraid to love. It is my nature. The personal loving is a challenge for me. I’ve got the universal love thing down. It is effortless. Easy. The personal. I intellectualize my emotions. And you know, emotions and feelings aren’t always rational. Lucky for me, I have an active dream life. My subconscious informs me. I pay attention. My conscious mind balks and gets mad sometimes after it becomes aware that I have feelings for someone. I fear rejection. I know that this is a common feeling. It keeps me from taking risks in love. I guess I don’t trust people very easily. Even when it seems I do, it usually takes time. There’s one person that I can remember completely trusting. I met her almost 4 years ago. And she’s not perfect. Nor or her relationships with others. To the outside eye, they’re downright traumatic and drama filled. But for me, and us relating to one another. There is none of that. There is kindness and good will and it’s automatic. That is a rare blessing.

I did my Child Observation Lab today. The kids are great. I love my kids. One of them used my name today. Two fought over sitting in my lap. A couple tell me a story and rub my backs today. All sorts of awesomeness 😀 I like that I just show up and hang out. I wonder, am wondering about a job working in a school with elementary kids. I got hired this summer as a substitute instructional assistant but I’ve been hesitant to pursue it. Public transportation. School. I don’t like to work two jobs. Blah blah. But maybe if I did it, I’d be offered something permanent and could chuck my job as a barista.

I ignored my math this week. Hopefully I can knock out a couple of sections this weekend. The day to day life is going well. The money situation. Well, I think I need to make a choice and have trust that I can do what I love. I can follow my heart/passion/happiness and make a living while doing so. I think that somewhere I don’t really believe that I deserve or can have the cool, easy, joyous life that I feel is destined for me. My birthright. So much love. So much talent. So much fun. So much doubt and hesitancy. If I change my focus and let go of the fear, and use my imagination to create a positive outcome then life can be all sorts of beautiful and things would flow with more ease. Seems like, love, creativity, wealth are all intertwined for me. Hm..

I really dislike being scared about making the wrong move. I think the wrong move right now is not moving. I know what I don’t want but I feel like I am standing still. Resisting. At the same time I can see good things I’m doing. I go to school, I go to work, I write, I’ve been working on my book. I’ve made a conscious effort to work on my breathing and do one thing at a time. For ex. this week instead of yoga and music/dvd playing in the bg. Just yoga and me and my breath. Instead of reading and listening to music, just reading or listening to music. I’ve been getting a lot of little things done. And I acknowledge that. I also acknowledge that I am hard on myself. I am not a perfectionist. Things don’t have to be perfect. I just want to do my best.

A quote I came across this week:

Do your best. Then, don’t worry; be happy in my love. I will help you. -Mehar Baba -Indian mystic and sage

This made me feel so much better. It made my heart expand when I read it.

It was the inspiration for the song by Bobby Mcferrin. Don’t worry be happy.

which I played a few times to let the message sink in.


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