I don’t want to be around people who don’t like me or people who think I’m wrong to live as I do. No, it doesn’t matter what you think. Your thoughts and opinions about my life don’t matter at all. Your ignorance of my experience(s), your false assumptions, make every comment you make, every bible verse you quote vaporize instantly into nothing. News flash: There are billions of people on the planet. We are not all alike. Creation is vast and varied.
You are providing a valuable service. You are teaching me to stand up for myself and to practice discernment and be mindful who I allow into my life. One of my Professors’s told me, not everyone deserves a front row seat to your life.
I am clear in my awareness of my needs for relationships. I need my relationships to be healthy and supportive and nurturing and spacious. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is not talk to me. Thank you.
We love each other, we say we do, I’ll assume it’s true. You teach me that love, though it never fails is not enough without respect and actions. Love in action feels different than love in words or love in need or love in fear. You’ve turned this into a battle and you blame me. I do think it’s silly sometimes. Such a waste. I changed my name 2 years ago and asked you to use he long before that. I came out to you, in fall of 2008. It is late Spring of 2011. Years have gone by. Years, ya’ll. I don’t accidentally inject testosterone into my body each week. This is my life. This is me. I will not for one second more sacrifice my integrity, my humanity, my sanity, my self-esteem, my well being, to be in a relationship with you. I can’t help you. Here’s a clue: If you wonder why “she” is doing what “she” is doing? I will tell you. I’m happy. I’m happier and more productive and clear than I’ve ever been in my entire life. All that energy being scared and not transitioning and not being honest with myself and others about who I am and how I feel and what I think, all that energy..I get to use now. I am aware now of how much I hurt before. I always felt off and now everything is different. Everything. I’d make this choice a zillion times to live the life I’m living now in this time in this body. This perfect trans(itioning) body of mine. I feel good in my own skin. Yay!
When your “she” turns into “he”, brother, nephew, son..
When you call me Evan or Gorman or J or Zarius or love or hugbug or lovebug (look at all those options *smiles*) I will feel you acknowledge and respect my truth. Acknowledgement and respect for me as a human being who has struggled in ways you will never ever understand and come out–through it all, a feeling, thinking, grateful, whole, freer version of me. Then and only then we, you and me, can begin to build our new relationship. It’s a lot to ask of you, you say. It’s a lot to deal with. Too much. It’s a lot to hope for too but I’m hopeful. It’s a lot. I can imagine the effort it may take to move beyond yourself and your idea of me to the real of me. Good luck with that. Meanwhile, life goes on. Time moves forward. Our lives are lived and we are blood strangers. We will never get this time back. Know this.
Everything is not lost. The love (you say, I know) you feel the love (I say, I know, I give) I feel will get us through this. Right?