Not Woman. Not Man.

I am swimming between genders.

I was laying on the couch, resting. Thinking, I’m not a man or a woman.

I love women. And am interested in women’s voice/minds/thoughts/beauty, especially in relationship with art, music, film and literature. My favorite genre is Lesbian Romance. I truly believe to love a woman, unabashedly and truly, in this current world society is a revolutionary act. I am not a lesbian, though I identified as one for 7 months when I was 16/17 and just coming out. I’ve been in one relationship with a lesbian. I’d had two relationships with self-proclaimed straight women before her. Their identity at the time ’caused me discomfort and feelings of insecurity. What were they doing with me if they were straight? They saw me as woman and couldn’t see how anyone could see me as a guy. When we would go out, people would mistake me for a guy, even when I had long hair and wasn’t at all trying to pass as a dude. Little kids, teenagers, and shopkeepers would call me out. It was confusing. I was very pro-woman at the time and though I’ve never hated guys, I didn’t think much of guys as far as being deep thinkers and being aware of things goes. O, young me! The straight women loved me for me. I was the exception. I felt special and cocky and a bit uneasy and there was always an underlying fear that they would leave me for a man. They’re both married (to men) with kids now. These relationships took place before I accepted myself. Before I came out to friends and family. Before I began medical transition. The lesbian that I dated was 9 years older than me and wanted me. She desired me. And that was hot and we had awesome sex. Very physically satisfying. She wanted a wife and wanted me barefeet and pregnant. Ha ha. I couldn’t talk to her about my trans feelings because at the time I couldn’t talk to anyone about them. I wasn’t dealing with them myself. She and I are friends today. We love each other and she’s as supportive of me now as when we were lovers. I am lucky.

Recently, I’ve been wanting to explore my sexuality as it is presently. It’s Spring and I’m Taurus born!! (originally) and I’m feeling that mating urge. Because I don’t have a partner/gf/bf/lover right now I am doing that exploration through writing. The challenge that has come up is that I’ve never made love as a man or from a man’s perspective (whatever that means..blah) or with the body I have now. It’s a trans body. A curious, awesome blend of male secondary sex characteristics and female body parts. I love my body. As odd as it may seem. It’s mine and I feel good in it. I will get chest reconstructive surgery in future but I’m not interested in bottom (genital) surgery. My used to be clit is about the size of my thumb and was the first thing that noticeably changed (seriously, like the first week) and is seemingly still growing, which is surprising, because I’ve been on T (testosterone) for over two years now. One of my ex’s had a bigger sized clit compared to mine, which before was a tiny tiny nub, smaller than the size of my pinky finger nail. I didn’t like it touched at all really because it didn’t have a hood and was exposed and would get irritated. Now, it looks like a little cock I guess. When I am aroused it fills with blood and gets harder and grows. But not hard like a bioguy’s cock. Earlier on in transition it would do it’s own thing when I wasn’t doing anything remotely sexy. Sometimes I would be just sitting, reading, standing talking and all of the sudden..yep. Through this second puberty I have developed a unwavering respect for men and boys who have gone through this. It really can’t be helped. If I were a young boy without a father figure or an older boy/man to talk to, I would for sure think I was going crazy or that something was wrong with me. But I have years of life experience and know better. Hormones are powerful. Because I never grew up having penis envy it’s interesting to think about that now. I pack. I’ve been packing since Nov of last year and I pack everyday. Maybe there’s been two times where I’ve let the house without it on. I like my packer. VixSkin Mr. Right-Chocolate I feel better with it but I usually take it off when I get home and don’t put it on until I’m ready to go out for the day. It’s an accessory. An important one. It doesn’t make me feel like a man (whatever that means), it makes me feel sexy and hot and calm all at the same time. Sometimes I imagine how beautiful my real dick would be if I had one. I look at pictures of beautiful guys and beautiful penises and I imagine the perfect size and perfect shape for me. But..to tell the truth, I really love the option of having one or not. To get a bit imaginative, I really wish I could have the option to have my real bio-dick or not, depending on my mood or whatever lover I was with and what they wanted at the time. *clears throat*

Another thing is that I am more turned on visually than before. Images, videos, people, turn me on easily. Before it wasn’t so acute. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. Before I was more turned on by sounds (still am) and words, but now a visual will do it easily. Still or moving.

Recently I’ve been trying to find words that best describe my identity. I was talking with a friend last week about gender and gender identity and gender expression. About how I tell my family to call me he and how I feel unified and whole as a person. When I came out to them, I came out as a femme guy. I dropped that about 6 months into transition. I had no idea what it meant anymore and it wasn’t me. What I think I meant was that I was guy who had feminine qualities/attributes. But Femme is not just that. It’s an attitude I think. Then I stumbled across g3 and fell in love with that. G3 is gender gifted guy. Anyway, my friend and I were talking about how our gender shifts and not just day to day but sometimes within the day. It’s been confusing. I’ve been wanting to paint my nails colors. I painted my nails black last week. And I want to wear eyeliner. I want to express myself with accents that might be seen more as feminine while still being seen as masculine. A queer masculine person. I wished that I was just a guy in my identity. Just straight. Just homosexual. Just one thing. But I’m not just one thing. Maybe 6 weeks ago I started to come to terms with being genderqueer or genderfluid but I really don’t like either term. I don’t feel like I’m cool enough for them. For some reason I feel they belong to people who totally embrace that. My friend told me they currently identify as non-binary trans. I was like !!!! 😀 Woot! That’s me (for now) and I wondered why I didn’t think of it on my own. It’s very closely related to how I describe my sexual orientation.

My sexual orientation is pansexual. Before I came out as trans my sexual orientation was bisexual and before that queer and before that, as earlier mentioned, lesbian, and before that, very briefly gay, and before that I was attracted to guys only and because I thought of myself as a girl by default the orientation would be straight. But I don’t feel like I’ve ever been straight. Even as a kid, I was queer. But that’s another blog. I don’t identify as bisexual because bisexual implies that there are only two genders and I recognize there is a spectrum of genders, gender identities, and gender expressions. Pansexual for means the potential to be attracted to and open to having relationships with people regardless of their biological sex, gender expression, gender identity, or sexual orientation. So that means intersex people, transfolk, bigendered folk, people with no gender, cis gender folk, androgynes, and others..in theory. In actuality my sexuality is pretty much mono-sexual. I have sex with myself. Good sex 😀 I orgasm every time, sometimes multiple times, and it’s different every time. I haven’t had physical sex with another person in many years. I’m highly sexual in my head but not in physical reality or in relationship with another or others. Last week I was feeling a little concerned about that. Now, not so much. I have issues with my sexuality but nothing that can’t be dealt with in a positive, loving relationship, built on mutual respect, friendship, and honest communication.

Another new discovery since I’m not actually having sex, was the term panromantic. I am panromantic, mostly towards women. Women of all types, even family members. I like to court women. Notes, compliments, cards, kind words, flowers sometimes, gifts, encouragement. I feel it towards men too but I feel it can only be comfortably expressed with long term friends, gay guys and transguys. My sexual attraction though is towards men or the masculine. It is primal and consuming and been there since I was young. I am most aesthetically attracted to people who blend gender. And I think Transguys in general are so hot! I’m such a homo! Hey, I love myself, what can I say? My sexual feelings in general, without emotion, go towards guys. I don’t usually feel sexually attracted to women at all but I am emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and aesthetically attracted to women and those factors sometimes lead to sexual and/or physical attraction. And to break it down even more. Just because I’m physically attracted to someone doesn’t mean I am sexually attracted to them. I can be sexually attracted to people and not attracted in any other way. The latter makes me feel sad and has hurt people and myself in the past. I decided two years ago not to act on those feelings anymore. I have to be in love and the person needs to love me and know that when we’re having sex we are making love because that’s my spiritual path. To make love in all that I do. To create (in) love in all that I do.

This got rambly and is probably not as tight as I would like it to be but it’s what’s been on my mind as of late and I wanted to just get it out of my system and share a bit.

I am swimming between genders.
Not drowning though
my arms are getting tired
I’d love to just
float

My inner self (like Dory) says: Just keep swimming ;p

2 thoughts on “Not Woman. Not Man.

Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s