I found out today that I am involved in an emotional affair. Officially.
I am poly and I am single so I did not consider or believe that I was having an emotional affair.
To me, I was in a friendship. A special friendship. A romantic friendship. Sometimes I feel, and most recently have felt, that I am in a relationship. I feel that way but I am not. Because we haven’t talked about it. We haven’t said officially that we are.
My friend is married. She’s married and she has kids. We met online more than 3 years ago. We became friends. I didn’t know she was married but I knew she had a gf. I found out she was married 21 months ago and we didn’t have much communication for about 4 months after that. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is hard enough (imo) and I didn’t want to be part of someone’s marriage mess. I honestly don’t know what changed for me to think it was okay for me to have more contact again. I think it was the fact that we were friends and I missed her. I love her. She loves me. I’m poly and my friend would explore polyamory if she weren’t married. See, that’s the thing. If she weren’t married. But she is. She’s in a monogamous marriage. That’s important. In a monogamous marriage what we have would be a full on emotional affair. We’ve never talked on the phone. We’ve never met in person. But we’ve shared so much with each other. She is one of the loves of my life and people in my life know that. Did I mention, that I am both single and polyamorous? Of course I did 🙂 My whole life is constructed around the idea of unconditional love and non-restrictive love.
What the world needs now
Right? So from my philosophy of life, (love regardless) I’m fine. But my moral compass..my innate sense of right and wrong…what’s right for me vs. what about her wife? See, I don’t much care what other people think about this. Relationships are such private unique unto themselves things. No one can ever know what other people’s relationships are like. You come from your own pov and you try to put yourself in that situation maybe, but you can’t really know what it’s like.
My thoughts about my friend’s marriage is that it’s between her and her wife. I have my opinion about it but I’m not in it. They created that relationship. It’s their business. I root for them to work out the most loving relationship they can.
My friend and I. That’s our business. We’ve created this. We’ve lucked up in many ways. Well, I’ll speak for myself. I’m damn lucky to have her in my life. Recently, maybe in the last 5 weeks,sometime at the end of May, early June, my feelings changed and I realized that I was in love with her. I told her that I was in love with her and I told her I wanted to be with her and I think/thought we could make a great life together but she’s not available and she doesn’t choose me. And I know this. And I’m not waiting for her. I’ll always love her but that doesn’t mean that I’ll always want to be with her. I think that our window for that type of relationship has an expiration date. Anyway, she chooses what she has. And she has what she has. And we have what we have. And that is how it is.
I’m in love with her and maybe one day I won’t be. But I’m good right now.
Today I got a message from her saying that we were having an emotional affair. There’s a lot of shit I’m leaving out. But basically she wrote me a week ago and asked me did I realize that most people would consider what we have an emotional affair and I said yes. Most people would. And I considered what we had an emotional affair. But that I only recently thought of it that way because my feelings had moved from friendship to wanting more. So yesterday I sent her a message asking if she considered us to be having an emotional affair. And today she said yes. I didn’t know that she felt that our friendship, relationship was cheating. I didn’t know that she felt that we were cheating. I don’t like cheating, or lying. I don’t believe in cheating.
I believe in consensual non-monogamy. Consensual, dig? So, yeh, I’m in a mess. An inner personal messy wreck of a thing.
Her wife doesn’t know about me. This is upsetting to me but it’s not my place to tell her. Seriously. That’s my friend’s choice.
I didn’t know about her wife when we first started communication. But I’ve known for 21 months now and I haven’t had an issue with it but now I do. Because according to my friend, who I love, who loves me, we are having an emotional affair. And other people would think that. Her wife would and she does and I do. So that’s that.
And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything to do.
She could cut me out of her life. And I’d deal. I totally would.
I know I won’t cut her out of mine.
I’m in a complicated something.
I feel better now that I’ve written this out.
I felt better earlier when I read her message.
Our relationship is actually in a crisis state
but I am not. I feel clearer. Less vague. I was confused before. I didn’t have a name for what we have. I really dislike “affair”. I really don’t believe in “emotional affairs” as related to me..but..that’s the label we’ve assigned and I’ll ride it out. The End
…well not quite
On my own, if I were with someone, I’d never cheat. Before I knew the term polyamory I was innately polyamorous and notoriously honest. And I’m only honest by default. I’m crap at lying. When I’m in love/like, I’m happy 🙂 and it’s all over my face. I couldn’t hide it if I tried. It got me into major trouble in prior relationships because I was in monogamous ones. Understanding polyamory for myself and claiming it as an identity and meeting actual people in my day to day to life who are poly and who are in poly relationships has helped a lot.
If it were up to me, my friend’s wife would know about me.
I woke up from a nap today with Janet Jackson’s Miss You Much in my head. There’s a part of the song that goes:
“I’ll tell your mama
I’ll tell your friend
I’ll tell anyone
whose heart can comprehend”
One of the reasons I’m writing this is that I need to get it out of my system. To have it outside of me. If it were up to me, I’d tell her wife, I love ___, I’d tell her kids, I love your mom, I’d tell her mom, I love your daughter, I’d tell her friends, I love your friend.
I’d tell everyone.
I tell her all the time that I love her.
Because it’s true.
Because I do.
And I’m okay with the whole wide world knowing.
Two blogs I wrote about polyamory
and here are a couple things I found on the net about emotional affairs
The End. For real this time 😉