Let’s love ourselves then we can’t fail
To make a better situation
Tomorrow, our seeds will grow
All we need is dedication
I went to bed last night in a house without a dog. Raz got picked up about midnight. I was more sad than I thought I’d be.
I woke up this morning feeling brand new. Like I had just been reborn or gotten thru a major thing or cleared a major hurdle. Like my heart was shocked with paddles and it’s beating again, powerful, strong, fast, true. Alive I am.
Here and Now. Present and
Highlights of today:
I read the 1st chapter in my psychology book. I got a mani pedi as a treat. My friend gave me some money last night for watching Raz and I was walking to the store this morning because now I am used to walking in the morning but without a dog now I have to have a destination..uh..anyway..I saw the place was open and asked how much and went back a bit later and got them done. Black nail polish on my toenails and finger nails. The person doing my nails asked me about school. She thought I was much younger than I am. I looked in the mirror and saw I was looking impossibly young today. Maybe 20. I asked her to guess my age. She got up to 25 and then she asked me did I have a brother. Younger? Yes. How old? 30. And then we laughed. She stopped guessing at 32 and I told her I just turned 33 in May. I ♥ 33 so much. This is a really important year to me personally. It’s sort of my last year of “freedom”. I put freedom in quotes because I’ve been recently asking myself, freedom from who? freedom from what? freedom to be..? freedom to not do what I don’t want to do? What? When I was a teenager, I promised myself 17 years to myself. I had 17 years with my family and I wanted to have 17 years to myself to develop as I saw fit. To correct what had gone wrong was my thinking at the time. To heal so that I wouldn’t spread my mess all over the place. That’s one of the reasons why I stayed so isolated and so private. I have developed a keen insight into myself and along the way have developed a love of self that has enabled me to have tremendous compassion and patience with others. The life I am living is definitely an inside out life. What goes on inside is thought over processed and let out. But in the past, it’s been sort of constipated. That’s a shitty analogy 🙂 but it’s late and this is stream of consciousness and it’s just what came out. *groan* Any old way. I have worked piled up around me. I’ve been writing in fits and starts but I haven’t been rereading what I wrote or tying anything up. I’ve been working on and off on the manuscripts for the poetry books I am going to self publish soon. I’ve been trying to relax and not feel so overwhelmed and work through my fear of The Great Unknown. I have the work. That is the gift. All these ideas. A fertile imagination. Lots of different mediums to express them and the next step is to share more. Censor less. Have fun. Let go. Not take things so seriously. Live heart first. My mind won’t let me get too far off track at all but it’s time to change from a fear based existence to a love based one. If my heart says yes!, that’s the direction I go. If my mind starts worrying, I’ll let it play out and then correct it like I would if someone outside of myself were telling me those limiting things. The pep talks or the change in self talk goes something like this: Yes you can. If you think you can, you can. You can do anything you set your mind and heart too. Anything. Start. Just start. Begin as you mean to go on..and on..and on..
When I woke up this morning besides feeling brand new I was thinking something about desire. Without desire there’s no life. Something like that. I didn’t write it down. I was letting things come up and drift out while I just lay in bed for a little while.
Tonight I started feeling a bit of anxiety. My desk is a disaster and like I said, I have work piled up around me. Folders of papers. I was writing on loose leaf this summer so I need to go thru them. Staple them. Date them..etc.
I dream of having a writer’s assistant or two and 3 freelance editors who don’t know each other to help me with my work. To clarify a bit, the first week of school my friend took me to Target to get notebooks. I’ve been writing in 70 page recycled college ruled notebooks for two years. I bought a box or two? two summers ago. I ran out at the end of May so I had to use loose leaf paper. I was writing on average 800 words a day for most of the summer. Most of it was crap. Like 90% seriously. I couldn’t form a complete anything. I wrote two good (to me) poems. One of them is here The other one I’ve read to one friend but I’m not ready or it’s not ready for the public eye yet. Anyway, wow, off on a tangent much..okay. So the first of week of school my friend took me to get some paper. They had the notebooks but not on recycled paper. They were .20 each and I got like 48 or 50. $10 worth and I thought it would last me a while. Now I’m not sure. On Friday morning (9-2) I finished a notebook that I started on Aug 24th. So yeh…I wonder what I said in all those pages. I wonder is it just gibberish? I’ll look at it on Wednesday and will maybe post some stuff.
The anxiety that came up for me tonight was partially chocolate chip cookie and Dr. Pepper induced. I think I had Rocky Road IceCream for breakfast. Terrible, I know. Cravings. blah. I asked my friend yesterday, why is that I crave things that aren’t good for me when I’m already not feeling good. I wish I was more like a self cleaning oven. Or just more able to not cave in to my food cravings. I tell myself not to be so hard on myself. I’m under a lot of stress. But the stress is self caused and aided and abetted by the terrible food choices. I did buy grapes today and I also had a most fabulous veggie sandwhich. Yum 😀
Another thing that ’caused me some anxiety tonight was that I was making a music playlist for my Aunt’s knitting class and was going thru my music library and came across Lauryn Hill. Lauryn Hill is a very influential artist for me. See this post. I played Can’t Take My Eyes Off you then went to Youtube and played Turn Your Lights Down Low, Killing Me Softly, The Sweetest Thing, and Everything Is Everything. My heart started to ache a little after Turn Your Lights Down Low. I’d never seen any of these videos. I had years of no cable (96-04?) and I always thing videos are pretty weird when I see them. I have my Janet Jackson videos on DVD’s that friends have gifted me or a few links that friends may send me on occasion but other than that I rarely see actual official videos for songs. Seeing her moving images moved me. She’s so very beautiful but super! skinny. The moving images I have of her are from Sister Act II and that’s been years. I’m really grateful for her music and her honesty in her lyrics but the sadness I feel comes from seeing her beautiful then, and wondering what the woman is like now? Who she is as an artist? As a human being? Will she share more of her amazing gifts with the world in future? She’s sort of like a cautionary tale for me as well as a complete inspiration. I played Everything is Everything a bunch tonight.
I strongly resonate with these parts:
I wrote these words for everyone
who struggles in their youth…
It seems we lose the game,
Before we even start to play
Who made these rules?…
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
flippin’ in the ghetto on a dirty mattress 😀
(me and my cousin’s would flip, sometimes off the roof! onto old pissed stained mattresses)
Adjacent to the King, fear no human being. (Word, Lauryn. Word.)
Develop a negative into a positive picture
Now, everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually
The almost end.
my mind ♥
dreams and plans
my housemates computer
black nail polish and someone else’s touch (I had the spa treatment for $4 more *yay*)
Bach (to soothe me as I wrote this blog out)
living thru fear
I know on the other side of fear there’s peace, neutrality, love, ecstacy 😀
Anxiety you can suck it. ha ha
Grateful for the outlet and the witnesses.