To My Mom: Stop Trippin’

My Transition is not about you.
Your fear and pain (and guilt!) distorts everything.
It’s tainted our whole relationship.
I feel angry and sad and frustrated.
Such a waste of time and energy. Such wasted life.

There is a part of me, a smaller me, in a dark corner, crying for you and crying out for you.
There is no comfort, or solace, or peace for that smaller me, yet.
She is crying for you
and crying out for you.

The man that I am now, the person that I am
becoming, the living human being, The Real Life transsexual
is not trying to hurt you or cause you any problems.
Is not a mistake or a science fiction IT THING.
I am a person with real feelings.
I have my own mind and my own life and my own body.

Yes, you carried me in your body for 9 months. And my baby body grew within your body and was nourished through your body.
Thank you.
33 years, 4 months, 7 days, 4 hours and 42 minutes later…

I have something to say. Listen up.

You are so (love)d.
Recognize.
I am
love(d) too.
I have always been
who I am.
Recognize.

You tried to change me. You know you can only change yourself.
You tried to restrict me, limit me.
I felt humiliated. Imprisoned. Desperate. Murderous. Confused. Guilty. Afraid. Stuck.
Your idea of me and ideas for me are way to small for me
and there is a smaller me crying loudly
crying out loud for peace and freedom of expression.

And when I express myself, every time I do anything to express myself,
(for peace and freedom) I feel peace and freedom and love.

Just really wanted to say that I love you and thank you.
You have been a great teacher for me.
I’ve learned so much from you.

You have made a writer out of me.
You have taught me the importance of self love.
How crippling, poisonous, and treacherous fear, guilt, and (self) rejection can be.
And how strong love can be.
I have learned compassion and resilience.

I am in the midst of learning to let go.
Let all that isn’t love
go.
I am learning how to speak my truth
and walk with it.
I am being refined.
I am living.

Mom,

My transition is not about you.
The only thing you could’ve done to stop this
is to have never given birth to me at all.

endojé-love unite(s) us
Evan

audio version

note:
trippin’-When the person in question (who IS trippin’) thinks that something IS, when it is clearly NOT. (you can tell that they are making this up in their head)
via Urban Dictionary

2 thoughts on “To My Mom: Stop Trippin’

    • I’m happy for you and your dad. I have loads of hope that my mom and I will work it out but also fear that something will happen to her before we get the chance. She has health issues.

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