Forgiving Myself: Lighten Up Buttercup

I saw someone today that I feel in the past I didn’t treat very well. He is very beautiful to me for some reason. I’m attracted to him but not in a, “I want to date you or be with you” way but there is a definite undeniable physical attraction. Not a sexual attraction but a physical attraction. It’s a boy energy thing I think. I feel like a puppy or a toddler. I just want to touch and play and tumble. Any way, it turns out we have a mutual friend. There was an event in the park and my friend picked me up and gave me a ride there and he was there. It’s been over two years since I’ve really hugged him or played in his hair and I was able to do both today. I felt overwhelmed. My energy was all over the place. I felt confused. I didn’t know how I really felt. When my friend and I got in the car to leave I got really upset. Shaky voice upset. I talked it out with my friend and later with their boyfriend while he ate dinner and we ate sweet potato fries with parmesan (yum!) and onion rings with ranch dressing. They helped me settle down and offered their insight. My friend could see that his energy and my energy don’t mix well. We are very different people in different spaces in our lives. I knew that when I cut him out of my life. Q: What I didn’t know? A: I was still carrying some stuff around that I don’t need to be carrying around. It’s been two and half years of not knowing. It really has nothing to do with him and his beautiful green eyes 🙂 I realize that I was holding myself emotionally hostage because I felt guilty that I didn’t love him and at the time we were seeing each other but not dating :p I just wanted him to fuck me. I liked him. I hadn’t had sex in awhile. I thought he’d be a good fuck. We never did it. I’m glad we didn’t because I learned from that non-relationship more of what I really desire in a relationship and I am grateful for that. I realized that the next person I had sex with I really wanted to make love with. That means that I love the person and the person loves me and when we touch each other (everywhere!) we are expressing our love in this way. It’s special. I think I may have met someone recently who I could actually have this with. Interacting with Beautiful Green Eyes Guy today and my bodies overwhelming reaction helped me process some things that I didn’t know I was even carrying. I forgive myself for my past behavior now. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have the words to express what I meant and what I wanted and I wasn’t considerate of his feelings. I didn’t take the time at the time to explain myself. I sent him an email a bit later. No response. So no closure. Even though I’d see him around I kept my distance. I couldn’t respond if he didn’t respond and his not responding was part of the problem for me. It was a problem for me. I made a mistake. I hadn’t dated or non-dated 😉 in close to 7 years. I wasn’t that good at it before. The lessons for me:

Live from your heart. Love with all your heart. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiveness of self frees self. Life and love goes on.
Lighten Up Buttercup 😀

Gratitude:
For this day and the encounter with Beautiful Green Eyes Guy
For my new love who I’ll see tomorrow.
For my friends who listen and give good hugs and let me rub their heads.
For the cleaning and organizing I did this morning and early afternoon. I feel so much better about the space I’m in.
For the dreams I have that I know will come true.
For the blue blue sky and the warm air that made the day.
For food.
For seeing old friends and meeting new people.
For Glee! I watched some end of S2 episodes and the first episode of S3. If the first episode is any indication, this will be the best season yet. I love Glee! Glee makes me happppeeeee ❤ ❤
For life and the opportunity to live it and shape it and make it.
For love.

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