I Always Thought I Loved Somebody

It’s really interesting. I am watching OSHO videos on youtube right now. I’ve watched several. One was called Making Love is a Sacred Experience. I really enjoyed that one. That’s in perfect alignment with my thoughts and desires. I watched one about marriage. One about Jesus dying on the cross..or rather not dying on the cross. I’ve watched many others. The one I’m watching now is called I Always Thought I Loved Somebody.

I haven’t seen the someone who partially inspired this poem in 14 days. Day 8 is when I really wanted to see her. Also day 10. The more time that passed the less interested I was. Not because I don’t care but because it was like I couldn’t care that much. I don’t know if it is self-protectiveness or fickleness or what. I think it’s more of a practical thing and a natural thing. I change. Life changes so much in a few days. Sometimes I feel like I live a lifetime in a week. I’m so different. Of course, there’s an essence of me that remains but so many things change. I get braver and stronger, I revert to old patterns or dreams, I disgard what isn’t working in my life. I’ll read a new book, or see a new movie, or miss my mom or my brother, or a cousin, and I’m changed. Not seeing her has changed me. I am now who I am both because I met her and because in 14 days I have not seen her with my eyes. I have not touched her soft soft skin. Our hands have not reached for the other. We have talked on the phone, exchanged messages through a friend/family member, wrote a few emails, and thought of one another. While being physically absent from my life, she is often on my mind, and so I will speak of her, some of the facts of her life, how she has changed my life. The love I feel for her. I was describing her to my Psychology Professor and trying to explain what it’s like. I also talked to friends of mine who are a couple and one of their cousins. Meeting her and loving her has been effortless. It was in my heart the first day we met. I didn’t have to do anything or try anything or say anything. It was a gift. I didn’t think any thing would come from it. I thought it was a feeling just to get me back into my heart. To remind me that life is good and I’m here to love and be loved. But then she asked for my number. She told me she liked my poetry. She wanted to be present in my life when I published my first book of poetry. Could we keep in touch? And we did. And it’s been interesting. I wrote Quantifying Love in part because of her. It’s how I was feeling. It is and was true. My Psychology Professor told me what was going on. She says it’s about being understood. Truly understood by another. My friends love me and acquaintances too. I’m super lovable 😀 but I rarely feel understood to my deep down soul and it’s a relief. It’s a gift. I’ve described this love as amazing. It’s not like the movies. It’s not drama filled. She has drama in her life and I have internal drama but the love I feel in regards to her and us..well, it’s as simple as breathing or blinking. It’s perfectly ordinary! That’s what’s amazing. It’s like a cool stream or a cool drink of water on a moderately warm day. It’s like a cool breeze. It’s steady, like a healthy heart beating. Somewhere in the last couple weeks..maybe 3 weeks ago I had a bit of depression. The depression was caused by the realization that no matter how in love I am or how loved I feel I still have me to deal with. I still have to live my life. There are things, dreams I have for myself that I want to realize in actual physical reality. There is much life I want to live and I am the only one who can live it. I mean..it’s my life. My dreams. My desires. And some of these things have nothing to do with any one specific person. A lot of these things are just ideas I want to explore and express in many ways. Through art, music, dance, video, film, photography, writing and so on. It’s a bit trippy. The last time we spoke on the phone, which was earlier last week, I told her that I was thankful that we met. That I feel stronger having known her. That I feel sober. I don’t drink that often. I’ve had less than 5 drinks this entire two thousand and eleven but I used the word sober. Because I am a word person I looked it up. It meant that I felt collected. More myself. Capable. Calm. I wouldn’t say centered because with all the shifts that are taking place it’s challenging to find a center but I definitely just like the way I feel when I am with her. And when I am not with her, I still feel that way. That’s the gift. I can tap into the me that came forward in her loving presence. It’s still me but more me and that’s what’s tough to explain. I am not so much in love with her, we are getting to know each other and who knows what will happen, but I am in love. I am feeling love. I am feeling like love. I am love. Love is good. Life is good.

3 thoughts on “I Always Thought I Loved Somebody

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