Today, at the present, my mom and I aren’t talking. We spoke in January. We said a lot of things. I thought we cleared things up but she texted me and left me a voice mail saying that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Not to call her or send her anything. She didn’t like my truth. We spoke last year only two or three times. My last couple of birthdays she’s forgotten to call. It made me sad. I have changed.
I came out to her as trans, over 3 years ago. The first thing she told me was that she knew. I felt relieved. I started testosterone injections in June of 09. I also changed my name right around that time. (See What’s In a Name? for a little more info). It’s been 29 months. My life goes on. If I hadn’t started T, I wouldn’t be alive. It’s as simple as that for me. She feels that it’s like sci-fi. That it’s against God. That I am a girl. She gave birth to a girl. She can’t ever call me Evan. She can’t ever see me as a man because it would be a lie. This has affected my whole family. Most of my family is very accepting of me. Like really. They just want me to be happy. They might not get it or approve or whatever but they love me and want me around. My mom gets upset with them for it. She’s hurt that I talk to my Aunts and stay over at my Aunt and Uncle’s. She’s upset that I talk with my Dad. She’s told him that he can be all accepting because I’m not his real kid. Blah to that. This year she’s refusing to go to my Aunt’s for Thanksgivng because I was going to stay there. I just found out about this on Monday when I called to tell my brother that I was staying in San Diego for the holidays. Family is important to her but she is pushing people away. My friend’s tell me it’s her loss. I know better. We both have lost. I also know that life goes on with or without any of us. I am much happier and healthier since transition. I am more productive and more confident. All that energy I spent being afraid to be me is being used to improve my life and be of service to others. I am in school and doing well, I am editing two manuscripts of poetry. I am working on getting my financial life in order. I have good people in my life. Loving friends and family. At school I have good friends and acquaintances and good teachers. I write, I play music. I have big dreams/aspirations/ambitions and by the grace of creation, the intelligence and the fortitude to keep going with this life.
My mother is suffering. She doesn’t need to suffer anymore. For any reason. I’ve known for sometime that it wasn’t my job to heal her. My mother is responsible for her own well being. She is not a victim. She has made choices. She has had life experiences that have shaped who she is and her reactions/emotional responses have shaped her world view/her life. She is 58 years old and alive. Because she is alive and life is change, she is capable of change. It is her choice. If I could talk to her, I’d say:
Mom. Only love is real. You have forgotten yourself. Remember, only love is real. You are loved. You are love itself. Remember.
Open up to the love that is all around you. Receive it. Be it. Be loving, for that is your true nature. I see you. I know you. Remember who you are. Only love is real.
My mother has many people who love her. People all around her who want her to be happy and healthy. I have removed myself physically from her life for my own sake on and off over the years. She told me not to contact her and I haven’t initiated direct contact. I think about her often though and
I love her
I am grateful for this
space and time
in our lives.
Please, let good come of this.