Got What I Needed

The woman who reminded me of a butterfly and who partially inspired this poem sent me many many texts this morning and an email apologizing for not being in touch this week and letting me know that she doesn’t feel the same about me. She said she’s not into me like I am into her. That she thinks of me as a good friend or like a son. She’s 13 years my senior. She said she’s sorry to hurt my feelings and that she hopes we can still be friends. She also said she got scared when I told her my friends wanted to meet her. In my mind I was thinking, uh, how do you think I felt when you told me you wanted me to come to your house and meet your kids? She’s a mother of 8, and has 4 kids who live with her. I met 3 of them and her granddaughter about a month ago. We had a really good time. This is how I know I want a family for sure for sure. Any old way, I sent her an email on Tuesday morning telling her I had felt a change of heart and thanked her for all the good that she has brought into my life since I met her in August. A lot has happened in the 3 weeks since we’d seen each other last. I was trying to wait to talk to her in person or on the phone and she kept saying we’d chat soon. She was supposed to call me Monday night and for me when she didn’t call, that was it for me. It had been about a week of saying that’s she call and then she’d text me with excuses/reasons why. She’d fallen asleep, she lost her phone, she got really sick. So did I. So many things. The truth is her life is sort of chaotic right now and I love and need peace in my life. The truth is, I feel like when someone likes someone they figure out a way to communicate because its important to them. The truth is I cared about her more than she cared for me. The truth is she was honest and told me she wasn’t ready to date and I told her that I had lots of friends and I was looking for a lover. Someone to build a life with. A home. A business. Or in my case, businesses 🙂 It’s not terribly romantic. It’s about as nuts and bolts as one can get and perfectly ordinary. I love romance. I do. I also feel a real desire to engage with the physical world. To create things. To be of service. To share these creations with others in small personal ways and in larger humanitarian ways. I emailed her back this morning accepting her apology and I told her that I agree with her, I am a great guy. I am a special person. I know the value of people, love, relationships, communication, time, and energy. I also know that we all do the best we can at any given moment with what we have. The best part of this whole situation is that I am clearer about what I want to create and that I was able to establish boundaries and communicate effectively. I feel capable and strengthened overall. I am also a little sad. It didn’t work out the way that I had hoped and fantasized. But it got me dreaming and thinking and loving. So much good came from it.So many good feelings! And I will see her around. She’s talented and she loves community service like I do. It’s inevitable. Life is long and life is good.
I didn’t get what I wanted but I certainly got what I needed.

4 thoughts on “Got What I Needed

  1. Thanks. Best of luck to you too in your search 😉

    I agree. Timing is everything.

    There was a time in my early twenties when it seemed everyone I met had a kid. It was distressing at the time. I remember complaining about it to my friends. The last official relationship I was in was was in 2002. Her son was 8 when we met in ’01. He just turned 18 in September! She and I are still friends. I remember when we got together that she told me she was looking for a casual relationship and my mom told me no single mom’s don’t date casually. It turns out my mom was right. I always remember that. I wasn’t ready for that level of commitment then at all. I believed her when she said she wanted it to be a casual thing. That was what I wanted. The beautiful thing of having known each other for all these years we can both see the truth in the situation. It wasn’t me or her. We just needed/wanted different things. She has the family she wanted and now I am open to creating a family or being part of a family already in existence.

    My question for you Candence is: As a single mom do you agree with my mom? Are most single moms looking for mates and dad’s/co-parents for their kids?

  2. That’s a very zen way to look at things. I completely believe everyone who comes in to our lives is there to teach us something and vice versa. But there are so many things that have to come together for things to work… Especially timing and where we are with working through our own fears.

    I also found it very comforting to read about you meeting her ready made family and say that’s what you want for sure… That’s what I have and sometimes I worry.

    Best of luck to you!

Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s