I Would Never Leave A Note

but if I did it would(‘ve) read:

I’m sorry. Life Goes On. There’s nothing anyone could have done.

I had been really tired. And hurting. There’s so much going on really. And I want to write about it. I do. But not tonight. Well, a little bit. I will write more about it in future. But why I’m here now, why I’m here right now writing this post is that I just watched a video that my friend posted on his wall the other day made by this amazingly brave kid.

Last Thursday I went to the Emergency Room at a hospital near by and checked myself in because I was completely suicidal and thought maybe I could be helped. I was discharged from the hospital 7 hours ago. Until this fall, I hadn’t felt suicidal since Dec 03/Jan 04 when I came out to myself as Trans. It’s been disconcerting. I sought help with therapy but my therapist wasn’t helpful and yes..I have great friends and most all my family are supportive, I have school and good teachers, community and community service things, awesome little kids who give me hugs and punches and sing my name when I see them, and/but the more I am out in the world or hear/learn about the larger culture the more I feel myself a minority, truly a minority, the more I start to really dislike people (and disliking people isn’t my true nature at all!) who judge, discriminate, hate, kill, bully, belitte..etc. people like me and people who I love.

Recently, it’s been tough really thinking of a reason to live. A good reason from me/for me to live. I was having a hard time with finding motivation to stay on this earth, to continue living this life, with this body, in financial/material poverty and one thing made me feel hopeful and happy again. One of the things that made me start to feel a bit more positive was a picture I saw in a magazine at the hospital two days ago. One of the other patients was there because his 11 year old marriage to his spouse was ending and for one of the groups we had to pick out a need and a want from a magazine. His need was also a want. He chose a picture of Chely Wright and her spouse in their wedding dresses. I had almost picked the picture. Almost. And was glad when I saw that he did. After that I was talking with him and came out as queer/bisexual but I was only out as trans to my nurses and doctors. I really really LOVE US LGBTQQIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Allies) folk and how we love. We Love in the midst of all the ignorance and hate geared towards us. I Love our humor, creativity, patience, courage, willingness, all around awesomeness! I love that a RAINBOW is our symbol and that we are in every family, every city, country, state, school, religion, church, office, etc..We cover the globe and I do believe we help make the world a better place. I understand our pain and our joy. I know that some can’t be out and some might not ever be able to be out. And I cannot wait until the day no one ever has to come out. Some of us may not love ourselves but I Love Us. I really love us. All of us. This love realization led me to the other groups I love. I love kids and women and old people and animals. I love humanity in general and/but I was just feeling I wanted out of the whole sorry mess of the world. The picture of Chely Wright and her spouse, the patient who was grieving over his marriage ending and not being afraid to share his stories, tears, grief, and my sincere love for us/myself is enough to keep me here and I am willing myself onward. I am not suicidal tonight. I am getting a new therapist and going to see my former psychiatrist next week. I am living my life a little at time. My discharge nurse told me, if not one day at a time, one hour at a time. For now, only do what absolutely needs to be done. She told me to be compassionate with myself and I will work on that.

Like Jonah, I really do have a million reasons to live. So many things I want to do and see. Places I want to travel. Music, Art, Stories I want to create. People I want to meet and collaborate with. I want to get to know myself better and my place in the Grand Design. I’m glad I didn’t kill myself last week. I’m glad that instead I decided to try “one last thing” so that I was clear that I had done everything I could do to live this life.

Thanks for reading.

endojé-love unite(s) us
Evan

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