How linked I am with my mother even though it is close to a year since we have spoken to each other. How inescapable the bond feels. I want to treat it less like a burden or a noose or as something to sever. I feel the chord as if I am in the womb but there is no nourishment from her to me. None. But there is pain and there are lessons and there is a beginning feeling of peace because I know now
to deal with this complex relationship. I am
going to explore it until
it can’t be explored anymore.
The emotions of it. All the All of it. I will
place it/us in the eternal loving womb and
let things be as they are. I love
my mother as I love my mother and she loves me
as she loves me.
I don’t feel like she really gets me, the essence of me, but that’s okay. I get me. I know the essence of me and it’s not up to her to see me or define me or shape me. She may
criticize me, my clothes, my hair, the way I feel, the way I love. She may not
accept me. She may continue to reject me but
it isn’t really about me at all. It’s about how she feels about herself deep down.
It’s about feeling unloved
by her mother and her step mother and not loving herself. Never feeling good
enough. I get it. I got it from the womb. Through the chord. The nourishing connect to life chord that Mothers and Babies share.
She’s loved an idea of me since she was a little girl.
I’ve always felt that the reality of me was never really an option. Never stood a chance against her idea of me.
I have relinquished that fight.
How can you fight an idea in someone’s mind?
How can you
compete with an idea in someone’s heart?
The only thing I can do is be myself.
Simply be me.
Simple huh? 🙂
And if I ever see her again or talk with her again I will
Whoever I am in that moment. And
if I’m afraid, because sometimes I’m afraid when I am in my mother’s presence, I will love
myself through it. I will
use every tool I know to stay in harmony with myself in that moment
in those moments
and express my true self. Because
I’m okay now
no matter what. I am
not hers at all. I belong to myself and God’s Love
I share myself and express myself because that is my simple nature.
How is it that I was never afraid of “God” but I grew up being afraid of my mother?
Afraid of hurting her feelings or her hurting mine? How much time has been wasted in this unnecessary fear
of hurt feelings, when we could have been loving all along.
I choose love. More love. More love. More love. I am
no longer trying to heal our relationship or make peace with her.
Any relationship that expects me to compromise my very self is not a relationship for me.
What I seek now for my sake is peace within in regards to this relationship. I want to share
the fruits of the lessons I’ve learned in this relationship.
The confusion, the pain, the loss, the what is of it, the what was of it, the what never was. The Love of it All.
The love and comfort and support and acceptance I wanted and needed from her, she could never give, because she never had it to give. She never knew it.
She doubted her capacity to love
and to express love and blocked (the) love that was all around her all the time.
She blocked the love she is. And I learned this from her.
From the nature and the nurture. I am
You stopped living and it’s not fair. (no fair no fair)
You don’t understand why you’re still here and they are gone.
All those you loved, gone (so much loss, so young) and they were so good and you..
you’re still here. Why?
The answer is, there’s life to be lived. Life.
There is love to make. There is love to be made. Love
in harmony of giving and receiving love.
If you don’t think you deserved to be here
how do you think,
as your child,
Imagine how it feels to be your child? Imagine
how it feels to spring from you.
I love life deep down because that’s where I had to live and how I had to love when I lived with you. Deep down
within myself. Buried alive.
I know that darkness well. All those secrets, ugly, shameful, hurting, raging, places. And I am not afraid.
Because I have always been and always will be
Let me be
mom. Let go and
Let there be light
Illuminate this life.
Lighten this love.
Now that I am surfacing
on the surface looking
around at the cool bright loving sun I see Red
is not my enemy. I am making my rage my friend. I am
nourishing the blood with all the love I know. I am
living in the lifeloveflow. I am living
and that is the best way
I know right now
to honor you
to honor me.