I fasted last night. I had to have blood work done this morning. I didn’t drink enough water and it was hard to find my vein 😦 The first technician had to go get a second one after trying both arms. Boo! They were both nice but still..sucks that my vein was doing it’s shy thing this morning. What does this have to do with true love? Well, as I was walking back home from the clinic (I live like 10 minutes from there) I had a very cool realization. Okay. It’s about love. And how I’ve been saying to myself I am waiting for true love and sorry in advance but I am about to get into cliche territory. I realized that I am not the same person who made that choice or vow or awesome decision or whatever you want to call it. I made that choice because there is a certain quality of relationship that I want. I was being careless with people and in general I am a very loving person but I was doing the casual thing for a bit because I didn’t want strings attached. I didn’t want drama or to deal with any type of restriction. I wanted things to be light. The problem was because of my love nature (in bed) feelings always came/come bubbling up. Things get intense. I know how I am and how I work but the other person/people I have been with are moved in a way that changes things. Whatever we talked about before gets sort of thrown out. And I understand that.
Sex is powerful. Sex is beautiful. Sex is natural.
For me, it’s as essential to my health as good food, clean air, water, and exercise. So, then I was celibate for a long time for many reasons and in the past 2 or 3 years I’ve stopped being celibate but still haven’t had sex with anyone because I was waiting for True Love. I love the person and the person loves me. So automatically there’s conversations we won’t have to have..oh I thought you understood that this was just this..I like you but..and so on. I figured if I was with someone I loved who loved me we could just, you know, love each other, and get on with life and getting to know each other and making our individual and whatever combined dreams we may come up with come true. I romanticize and idealize. I love love.
Recently, I’ve met someone, (yes, I’m always meeting folk) who I really am attracted to. She’s attracted to me too. Yay! It’s a magnetic connection that is mainly on the mental field and I can foresee a good friendship developing because I actually like her. I think she might rub some people the wrong way or whatever but lucky for me and her I find those parts of her personality amusing (right now) and endearing. I like who she is. Well the little I know of her. Any old way, I was thinking, in a perfect world we would have a love affair. *sigh* The thing is she’s a lesbian and I am not.
I am not a lesbian and I am not a woman. My body is intersex in appearance. Female body parts with secondary male characteristics. I haven’t had any surgeries yet. I really only want chest reconstruction surgery so that my chest has a male contour. My genitalia is not female or male but trans male. The female clitoris is enlarged from the effects of testosterone, I mean, I don’t know what to say. It’s not like a girls and it’s not like a boys but I’ve seen plenty of pictures of transguy’s and my stuff is like their stuff. So yeh. Some guys call their stuff a dicklet. I think that’s funny. I don’t call my stuff anything. I haven’t been with anyone in so long and not at all since I began medical transition so I don’t know how to relate to my body in relation to another in a sexual way. It’s all pretty scary and unreal. It’s hard to imagine..sometimes. In general, I am really comfortable with my body in private. I do self massage most everyday. And self gratification. I know my body pretty intimately. The self massage is great because it’s loving touch and it’s a way for me to connect to my body when for so long I wanted nothing to do with it really. It has also helped loads because I realize that my body changes everyday which helps me to know that from day to day I am different. That I am capable of change. That change is a constant and for me so is love. The self gratification is a good thing because I really like orgasms and can’t imagine living without them.
Three years ago when I made my true love vow it was a good thing. Now, it’s not exactly relevant. And becoming annoying. It’s sort of like the vegetarian thing. I was a vegetarian for 3 years in my early twenties but started eating meat again because I couldn’t imagine going the rest of my life without eating meat. I mean I rarely do but if I want some I don’t want to deny myself. The cliche I mentioned earlier is the one that is about loving yourself. When you truly yourself *fill in the blank*. Part of loving myself is accepting myself for who I am in totality at any given moment. I am really good at accepting other people for who they are. I let a lot of things go. I know we are all doing the best we can. But I need(ed) to turn some of that generous spirit towards myself and update where I am at as a person on my path (of love). I don’t have to wait for True Love because I am love personified. I am loving. There’s no doubt about it. All I have to do is to be myself and treat others with consideration and make decisions in a way that honors me. Part of loving another is allowing them to be who they are. Like, earlier this week in my morning pages I was writing
“think for yourself”
For me that meant don’t think for other people. Don’t 2nd guess other people. Don’t try to make decision for other people. Every one is responsible for their own thoughts and their own feelings and their own choices. It’s called being an individual and being sovereign. It’s a free will soul thing.
The people that I will be with have to be mature/maturing because that’s where I’m at. That’s where I am vibrating. I’ve got the communication thing down. I know myself pretty well and am open to change and growth and love. Because that’s what life is.
I am not afraid to love but I do have insecurities about being loved in an intimate phyisical/sexual way by another or others. I am not really looking for a ride off into the sunset. I’m a writer. I can write those happy endings. I am interested in real love. Really loving and relating, in the here and now, in the day to day, come what may..
I want loving to be the priority.
My lover(s) will be receptive to love and sharing love, really good communicators, and adventurous and light (intelligent) in mind and heart. I think to be with me, because I am a different sort (not just the trans thing) you’d have to be the brave sort and probably like to laugh sort. I can be emotionally intense but it’s of the constructive kind. There was a sculptor who was asked about his work and he said that he just worked until all that wasn’t the piece was gone. That’s how I feel about love and refining the soul. Burn away/transform all that isn’t love. It’s patterned off of Creation. Love is transforming energy and there’s so many good things that can be made from that energy and with that energy. That’s what I am interested in. For my work, my volunteering, my social interactions, my intimate relationships. My life.
I am not waiting for True Love anymore. I am now going to explore consciously and actually live truly loving. It’s a subtle shift but I think profound. It feels liberating and a bit scary because it’s a new way of being. But I’m up for it 🙂