I am watching/listening to Dan In Real Life right now. It’s one of my favorite romantic movies. I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain. I think my body is releasing toxins and/or old energy patterns. I’ve been sleeping more in the last week or so than I’ve slept in awhile. Going to bed about two hours earlier than normal and waking up an hour later than usual. Today was the first nap that I’ve taken in a couple weeks. I was experimenting with giving up on naps because I was thinking that it was affecting my mood.
Anyway, I woke up this morning all achy and miserable and “Let My Love Open The Door” was in my head so I looked it up on youtube and watched the clip from Dan In Real Life and that made me want to see the whole movie so I was gearing up to go to the library and my new housemate said they’d drive me and we went to get the movie. I was very dramatic about getting the movie. I said, “it’s the only thing that’s going to make me feel better.” My friend made egg salad and I had oatmeal and an egg salad sandwhich on toasted wholegrain wheat. We watched the movie in their bed on their new computer. Good times. It hit the spot. I love love. I love love at first sight or first meeting. I love love after a long time of being single. I love laughing. I love the house featured in the movie and the big family. I love the way Juliet Binoche plays her character. She’s absolutely perfect. I like how she’s not afraid of stepping into an already existing family. I am the same way. I like how love, how circumstances, bring Marie and Dan together and that they have a very happy believable ending/beginning. I want this for myself. I really love this movie and it brought me comfort today.
I’ve been thinking about relationships. I see my love tomorrow. I’m going to call her B for now, in this blog. She’s sick. Battling cancer and getting her papers together and meeting with social workers so her kids will be looked after. I haven’t seen her in two weeks. I need to talk with her about how I am feeling and see what she needs and really get clear about the nature of our relationships and basically establish boundaries. I am feeling lots of feelings. I want to see her and be there for her and I want to live my life. I feel like my life requires my full time attention. I’ve been going through a lot emotionally and it’s catching up with me. I don’t know if I can be anyone’s strength and I’m not sure if that’s what she wants. I know she wants me around. She misses me but I don’t know if she misses me or the unconditional love I transmit. To be fair, I don’t think there’s is an actual difference. My love for her is true and pure and really not initiated by me. It’s like, I don’t know how to describe it. It just is. I consider it a gift and it’s not something I can control. It’s not something I want to.
I guess one of the things that I’m upset about is that we’re not together and I don’t think we will ever be romantic/business partners like we had talked about before. All those hopeful plans we had aren’t anymore. But they are all things that I still need/want. We are in friendship mode but I think I’m in love mode and I don’t know when/if that’ll change and I need to talk with her and see if that’s okay with her. I’ll be around but I won’t repress my feelings. I won’t cross boundaries or make advances at all but I want my love to flow and I want to feel that it’s okay. That it’s okay to show it.
We have a great emotional connection. Her kids that I’ve met like me and I really like them, especially the youngest two. I’m afraid of being more involved in all of their lives and then not being able to or allowed to. I don’t like the idea of losing her or getting to know the kids and not being a part of their lives anymore. It’s painful to think about.
Plus I want to be in a relationship. I want a lover. I want to have fun with someone. Have adventures. Create good memories and a good life together and if I’m wrapped up with B and her life and her kid’s life and still in school and trying to get my business started and fulfill some of my career related dreams, how will I meet someone else? How will there be room for someone else? I won’t be physically or emotionally available for a new relationship. I won’ get what I want or need. And I’ll be sad and stuck. Fear. Fear sucks. Imagination run amok. Not rational at all but this is how I am feeling now. And maybe that’s why I spent the majority of today in bed and in need of a romantic comedy. Thank goodness for Dan in Real Life for making me laugh and feel hopeful and Sondre Lerche for the great soundtrack. And for my housemates who listen and are good friends.
If I were my own friend I’d tell myself to not worry about the future. You never know what life will bring. Live and love now. Loving someone is never a waste of time. Love more. Every thing will be okay. This isn’t about you. Love, just love. Only love is real.