Lost: That Loving Feeling

I am watching/listening to Glee’s I Kissed A Girl (S3E7) after just finishing Mash Off. Blaine and Kurt are singing Pink’s Perfect. I think about singing this to my nephew at some point. He’s about to turn 5!

“Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than, less than perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect
to me.”

Santana, Oh Santana. So hurt. So snarky. I am pretty much infatuated/mesmerized by Naya Rivera’s portrayal of Santana. I heart the Rumor Has It/Someone Like You mash up so much. I think it’s like the best of many mash up’s Glee has done.

I am watching Glee to make myself feel better. I stayed up for 24+ hours yesterday. I went to bed a little after 7 this morning and got up a little after 930. Why did I do this? Self-Destructive. That’s why. There’s no way I should have done that on a Monday night. Why did I stay up!?! Well, I was listening to music on my awesome new headpones, Oh..I stayed up reading a story that I’ve read many times before. A romantic lesbian erotica story that I really like. I think it’s all Valentine’s Day’s fault. I think the fact that I’ve put my heart into my creativity and don’t feel connected much to the romantic/relationship side of me anymore is what has freaked me out a bit. If I’m not in love/infatuated with someone..well..I am feeling lost. And not writing is making it worse. I know if I go home tonight (I’m at school still) and write for like an hour. Write my heart out. All the things that I don’t want to face (family stuff, life purpose stuff) I’d feel better. I need to connect with the deep deep part of me that I’m squashing down for some reason. I’m hoping by writing this here and now, it’ll motivate me more to just do it. I feel like until I do I’ll be perpetually mildly uncomfortable.

Tonight, I aced my first test in Intro To Music. We got out of class early tonight, after the test. My Professor had to get home to his wife. So, I came to the library to check messages, mess around on FB, youtubed a bunch of Adele performances and listened/watched two episodes of Glee in a browser while filling out my FAFSA (Federal Financial Aid Form) for the 2012/2013 school year. I practiced piano for a little over an hour earlier today. I didn’t practice the sax and I skipped jazz band. I couldn’t face the loud loud music in the band room and I didn’t have the energy to blow blow blow into the sax. I went for a good walk in the late afternoon. I listened to music. At some point I was listening to my 90’s Women playlist and Shanice’s Saving Forever For You came on. That song takes me back to the first year or two with my ex-wife. That’s a song that I definitely equate with her. So I got emotional. Not wishing I was with her or anything, but just remembering how much I loved her. That feeling of love I had for her. So, really all this to say is that I’m missing that loving feeling. That loving another feeling. Maybe I should direct that towards myself?

A little later:
Just got a ride home from a cool guy from school. We talked relationships. And let me tell you, it was Interesting! I’m not out to him as trans and so it was guy to guy talk. Heterosexual guy talk. I missed my chance to come out as bi, pan, poly, trans. We were talking about women. And I have to stop and wonder, why is that the nice guys with the big hearts like women who don’t at all appreciate them? We were talking about how hard it is to get involved with the ones who’ve had really shitty experiences beforehand. And as always, I think people should come with warning levels and..also..just say what they want. What they really want. How is anyone supposed to just know what another person is thinking. Bleh!

Anyways, I’m home. Tired. Going to try to get in bed soon.

Hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day!

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