Time

I am sleepy. I wish I could freeze time. I am overwhelmed. I have so much to do and it’ll get done but I’ve spent hours..well maybe an hour and a half trying to decide what to do. What has to be done today. Nothing. Because nothing is due ’til Wednesday. But I also have something due Thursday and something due Friday. And I am usually a week ahead of things not a day ahead of things and I am trying not to panic..

Taking a breath. Another.
Another.

Okay. I feel a bit better. Still sleepy.

I was supposed to see a young woman tonight. Let’s call her A. A. is a friend that is becoming more than a friend. A surprising something. I’m almost happy. I’m too surprised to be totally happy. It’s like really? This is happening now? Really? But it’s all good. I met her 3 or 4 years ago. Before her transition and maybe a couple months before or after I started my medical transition. This semester I’ve seen her friend, Crash, on occasion because she has class right next to mine, same time starting and same time ending. I would tell Crash to say hi to A. and I could here A. in my head, saying why doesn’t he just call me or text me?

Me: Because I’ve been busy with school and because I never have much money.

I don’t socialize a lot. I usually see people in the community (The Trans Community) 2-4 times a year.

1. Day of Remembrance (DoR) where we honor and witness those transgender/transsexual who have lost their lives during the past year. This is in November, right before Thanksgiving
2. Day of Empowerment (DoE) where we celebrate who we are as a community and give out awards and acknowledgements. There’s food and cake and live music. This is in April.
3. Pride!!!! July.
4. Trans picnic. Usually late summer/early fall.

So, anyways, I usually tell people I’m busy with school, I’ll see you at one of the above mentioned things, or if we’re volunteering together. Me no hang out. Me rather not. But maybe three weeks ago, A. sent me a message saying she’d like to have lunch some Sunday and I was happy to get the text and was like sure. We got together shortly after that. The next weekend her friend (Crash) invited A. and I to her birthday party, this past Saturday we had a sleepover, pizza, movie thing. We watched 3 flicks, The Green Hornet, Waiting, and all of Pulp Fiction, even though we started after midnight and were ingesting things for recreational use. *blinks slowly and innocently* The next morning (yesterday/Sunday) I went home via the bus because I had to get home to take care of things with my room and clean the house. (The apartment is having an inspection sometimes this month. It’s a quarterly inspection to see if the place is being kept nice or something). I also thought I should get a good nights sleep and organize myself for the week. A. and I made tentative plans to see each other tonight but I told her I’d call her sometimes during the day to confirm. I had to cancel. I didn’t want to but I’m tired and stressed about the amount of work I have to do. And it’s not so much the hw but the reading. The never ending reading. The reading that I seem to can’t help but actually read! So..time. Time.

It would be nice to freeze time for a while. Or manipulate time somehow. Enough time to write, to color and draw, to practice piano and sax, to sleep, to dream, to answer all me emails, to have a conversation with a friend 🙂 and to finish one I started with my brother, and to do all the reading and homework and online quizzes, and take home tests that need to be done this week. *deep sigh*

********

Time..She Made Me.
Not the enemy
nor my true blue friend.
Not quite lovers. But almost.
Mysterious dream.
You are every fantasy and perhaps the smallest
lie.
An addiction. An expense.

Not that I can’t get enough of you
I just want more
of you.
You are on my mind. I feel you
slipping
away. Way too fast. Slipping
through. I am seeking you as you
go bye. You go by..you go by..you go by..
Fast and Dizzy
I am spinning.
Almost gotcha but..no.
You be stealthy.
Creepy Perfect. Gently
slip; another moment. Inside-
out in every moment.
Another day becoming night becoming
light. Split everything
into reassuring fragments.
We agree, you care
nothing for my wish
to fill you
with my every thought
my every desire.

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