Man In The Mirror: Lift Me Up

“Lift me up slowly, carry me boldly, show me you care.” -Will You Be There? -Michael Jackson

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways.” -Michael Jackson

It’s been an interesting couple days. Interesting in good ways. I am feeling better. Capable of dealing with my life and making changes that will bring about good things to my life.

Last night I went over to my gf’s house. I stayed over at hers on Tuesday night too. There were four of us hanging out and two of us stayed over. Her new friend put Voxer on my phone. It’s a cool little app. I’ve been using it a bit here and there for the last couple days. It’s sort of like texting but it’s voice messages. You can send texts and pictures too. It’s a little weird because..well I guess it’s because it’s new to me. It’s like talking but not because it’s not in real time. It’s a bit delayed and some messages sit because we aren’t getting notifications. If I am looking on my phone I can see that someone is talking but it doesn’t tell me if I missed a message. I have to check out the settings.

Any old way, last night I went over to the gf’s. We haven’t been alone together in a week. I was feeling tired and like I needed to sleep in a bed. I’ve been sleeping on the floor in my friend’s small bedroom for the past 5 days prior to going over to the gf’s house. So, I was feeling like I wanted/needed to write and I wanted to relax. I asked her if I could come over but told her I needed a friend not a lover. I didn’t want her to jump all over me when I walked through the door. I needed to get my thoughts together and down on paper. I needed to take my binder off and sit on something soft and be in a peaceful, familiar setting. She said I could come over. I wrote and listened to music (my Dixie Chick’s playlist on Spotify) and wrote and wrote. I felt good. I set my alarm for 2330, 0030 and 0130. I got there a little after 2200. I set the alarm for every hour just so I could keep track of time. I usually go to bed around 2am so I wanted to give myself time to wind down. She listened to music and facebooked while I wrote. She fell asleep. I stopped writing a little bit before 0100 and I felt good. It made a big difference. It’s hard to describe. I haven’t been handwriting my journals recently. I think I did a couple entries during Spring Break but there was a time in my life where I wrote every single day. So, I felt better and more clear. I showered and cleared off the bed. I woke her up, (she was on the couch) and guided her to the bed.

I slept well but slept little. When I woke up I wrote some more. I can see some changes that I can make. I want to focus on my diet and my breathing. I want to drink more water. I think drinking water is essential for me right now. I want to eat more fruit. Most importantly I want to let go of fear. I’ve been so scared and so uncertain about so many things. I’ve been down on myself because I am in the situation I am in and I’m about to be 34. I’ve been looking at myself differently. Like some kind of loser or like I should be further along in life. After all the writing I’ve done I’ve been able to look at myself in a new way. With a more friend-like perspective. I’ve made choices and the choices have led me to where I am. Not having my own place, my own room, my own bed is not good but there are still many good things.

I am thankful
for the awesome weather we had today. I am thankful for the blue blue sky.
I am thankful for the friend that I am staying with. He makes me feel welcome and even though it’s a small sleeping space, I’m comfortable and feel safe because he is welcoming and generous. He said I could stay as long as I needed. My financial aid is coming any day now so I’ll have the money to rent a room for May. I just have to find one.
I am thankful
for being able to meet and talk with a friend whose going through some issues regarding her recent breakup.
I am thankful for my Personal Growth class, Professor and classmates. Good discussions about Communication, disclosure and feedback. I wasn’t able to do my hw. I haven’t been able to really concentrate properly but I go to class and participate and he likes me. He said it was no problem for me to turn it in next week.
I am thankful
for the piano practice rooms and for being able to play music. Practice has been good this week. I’m working with a metronome which is different. I found a good app on my phone. For some reason I couldn’t find my metronome this week. It’s usually in my backback or locker. I am learning Set Fire To the Third Bar by Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriter/performers and it’s one of my favorite songs.

I am thankful for the many people in my life. In one of the books for my Personal Growth class it was saying that life is relational. Good relationships make up a good life. I am fortunate to be surrounded by such good people. I also have made choices to surround myself with people who are supportive and uplifting and encouraging. Yay!

I am thankful for the netbook my Aunt gave me. I’ve been using it more and more.
I am thankful for water.
I am thankful for money.
I am thankful for making different choices in my life.
I am thankful for my Self.
I am thankful for music. I am listening to my Alicia Keys playlist now. That’s How Strong My Love Is.
I am thankful for Michael Jackson and his music and all the love he put in it. It’s full of goodness. Earlier I was listening to Michael Jackson. Will You Be There?, Man In the Mirror, Heal The World, and young Michael from back in the Jackson 5 days. He is such an original. When I hear others try to sing his stuff it always makes me want to go back to The Source and here it for real, for real ;D