I have a had a good day today. I didn’t do the usual morning massage and yoga. I wrote and played with my phone. The other day the download for ice cream (new operating system) was installed on my phone. It’s trippy. It’s like having a brand new phone. There’s so much awesomeness. Playing with my phone (Droid Razr) this morning I discovered that I can tether my phone, via usb cord, to my netbook that my Aunt gave me, and have internet. So yay! I have internet! now. We have it here at the house I’m staying at right now but it’s only 1 bar and it drops out a lot. It’s not at all worth getting on.
After that happy discovery, I realized that the day was getting away from me so I headed out to run my only errand for the day. I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Somewhere last week, going back and forth between my gf’s place and my friend’s place, I lost a pair of contacts!!! and one of my medications. Luckily I split the medication into two bottles and have one in each back pack. The sucky thing is that there were only 3 pills left in the bottle I have and I needed 6 more to get me through the weekend until I can call my Dr’s office on Monday. Long story, short. The pharmacist gave me enough for a whole week! so that got taken care of.
The pharmacy is downtown, next door to my old apartment. I ran into my former neighbor and we caught up a bit. I am going through a major inner transformation right now. I am getting in touch with my inner power, individuality, creative self expression and so on. It feels like being born and dying all at once. There has been anxiety, peace, nausea!, tiredness, depression, reflection, thoughtfulness, surrender, and feelings of loneliness. My neighbor and I talked about that and talked about how these inner changes affect our relationships. It’s interesting in the sense that it’s not something that can be stopped once it starts and sometimes relationships fall apart.
My relationship with my gf is going through some changes. Or the way that I am thinking about our relationship is changing. I am feeling differently. I love her. I know that I am committed to her. But in my mind the past couple of days I’ve been critical of things related to the way she is and how she interacts with me sometimes and how I interact with her. I am seeing things/us more clearly and I’m able to tell myself the truth about her, about me, and about our relationship. Every time we have an issue or I have a problem with some encounter we’ve had, I find myself running to another friend of mine for comfort. I keep wondering if I am making too big a deal out of some things. I am sometimes. I am assuming too much, which is unfair and I am not talking with her to clarify things and I am not telling her what I need. I am shutting down and closing myself off.
I am feeling the age difference between us more. The different stages in life we are in. I am accepting things the way they are and choosing each moment to continue on this path of love and discovery. Nothing really bad is happening. There are just little things that we need to talk about so that they don’t fester and become bigger things that could potentially poison what we have and what we are trying to build. We will talk about these things when we next we see each other. We texted tonight but I didn’t go to her place like I usually do. I think time apart will do us good. It’s been two days since I’ve seen her. I feel healthier and more focused. I feel stronger inside. More myself.
But I don’t feel happier or more joyful (which is more more My Self!). I have a few moments here and there but I think I’m feeling sad inside. Lonely. Disillusioned? I’m not sure. A friend of mine says I’ve changed. I have. Loving someone like I love her and being loved by her has changed me. It hasn’t taken me away from myself. It’s helped me become more comfortable with who I am. I am learning to love in the moment.I am learning how to deal with my insecurities. I am learning how to deal with another person’s moods and my moods in relation to hers. I have had ideas about how I want my relationships to be. I’d like a bit more togetherness. Working on something together, whether that be getting healthier, learning something new, a hobby, collaborating on some art project. I’ve learned that I still have to live my life and do what I need to do for me, whether I’m in a loving relationship or not. She cannot be my anchor. She cannot be the person that makes me feel grounded and needed and present. She’s not that type of woman. I have to be that for myself.
In our relationship so far, I’ve learned to follow my intuition more. I am more in tune with my energy and the energy of others around me and my environment than I have ever been in my life. I’ve gotten a chance to experience myself as generous within the context of a loving relationship with another. She receives me well. I haven’t had this effortless feeling of giving, this feeling of generosity to the one I’m in a relationship with, since my 1st reciprocal love. My other relationships I was always holding back. Always a clear limit to what I would give. I am learning about boundaries in other ways. I am learning to attend to my own needs. I can’t expect her to care for me more that she cares for herself and I can’t expect her to care more for me than I care for me. So, I guess I am also learning to let go of expectations.
Besides all this self reflection, I walked a lot, lot, lot. The sun was shining bright and the sky was a gorgeous blue. It felt good each time my foot hit the pavement.
I texted with a couple friends I haven’t seen in over two months. I went by another former neighbor’s place to pick up my jacket I left at her place last Saturday. I went to the library. I hung out at a coffee shop for a couple of hours.
I had a lot of ideas while walking and riding the bus today and I’ve been writing down ideas and my thoughts using a couple different notebook apps on my phone.
I’ve just been chilling here at my friend’s place for the last few hours. I’ve watched some episodes of S1 Battlestar Galactica, drank a little water, eaten a little of my lemon pudding cake, and I’ve been messing around changing themes on my Google Chrome and adding apps from the Chrome Store on the main page. Geek stuff. ha ha.
When I woke up this morning I had no expectations of how the day would unfold. I was open to wander around and follow my feet, my heart, and mind where they would lead. They lead me here.
It has been a very good day.