All I’ve been doing is going to class, doing homework, and seeing my girlfriend. I’ve never had so much homework in my life. School is Monday-Friday and everyday I take a quiz or a test or two tests and a quiz. No let up. Surprisingly, this week I was better able to handle things with the exception of yesterday. After Dictation Quiz #3 (which I know I bombed!) I went to the bathroom and threw up. I was surprised. I went back to class but we were singing by then and I didn’t think I could open my mouth up without hurling all over the place so I grabbed my things and left. I sat down for a bit. I scribbled a note to my teacher, explaining what had happened. I put some things in my locker to lighten my load and walked around campus. When I walked to the main quad I was in the middle of a job fair. It turns out it was the last 15 minutes of the fair. I stopped at a couple table and talked with some people.
I didn’t finish the blog post. My girlfriend came in the room and looked over my shoulder at the screen and I couldn’t concentrate. She does that. Looks over at what I’m doing when I’m writing a text, or an email, or doing something on the computer. I told her that it bothers me but she forgets. She’s just curious. She means no harm. The job fair mentioned above resulted in two interviews. One was Monday afternoon. It was an entrepreneur internship program and the product that we were supposed to sell is organic dog shampoo. The commission is nice but I couldn’t see myself doing all the work that would be required. The weekly meetings, the finding clients, the setting up presentations to pitch the product and so on. I called and left a message thanking them for the opportunity for the interview. The second job interview was actually an invitation for a job hiring fair to be an after school activity leader. That was today. I was going to go. I picked up my dry cleaning (I had to get my nice dress up stuff cleaned and pressed) and went to the school library to print out my resumé but it wasn’t in my dropbox (online cloud storage) and the thumb drive that I know it is on doesn’t work. Like no computer can read it. It’s damaged 😦 My old computer has a copy but it’s not booting up. When I turn it on it has a white screen and in the center is a blue mac icon with a question mark (?) in the middle of it. Nothing else happens. Most of my music is on that computer. Hopefully I’ll find someone who can help me get my music. The resumé. I’ll have to find a hard copy somewhere and retype it up and make sure to store it on this computer, my new thumbdrive, my back up drive, and my dropbox, so that this will never happen again. I will continue to look for work. I’d like to work with young children.
My ear training class. I decided to drop it. I went to talk to my Professor yesterday and though I am passing the class I am getting sick over it. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. She said that I had improved a lot. She said if I had any previous singing experience this class would’ve been a little easier for me. It’s a lot to learn in 16 weeks. I think if I had known that I’d have to put in two hours or more every day, I would’ve prepared more. Like maybe this summer. I think the beginning of the semester was tough for me with all the tests and the homework I had and then I got sick and on top of that I was looking for a place to live. Now that I don’t have ear training hanging over my head I have a bit more time to reflect and to entertain ways that I can make my life more livable.
I want to get back in touch with my creativity. I want to be in touch with my joy. I want to play and dance and laugh more. I’ve been stressed and slightly depressed. I haven’t been doing yoga. I’ve been doing self massage about 5 days out of the week. I’ve been walking and/or riding my bike every single day for the past month. I’ve lost weight. Even though my mood hasn’t been so great, my body feels incredibly strong. I think it’s diet related. I’ve been eating more beans and I’ve been eating oatmeal most every single morning. I was eating eggs and toast the last few weeks but last week I stopped. I think I’m having a dairy intolerance or something. I like cheese on my toast and a little cheese mixed in with my eggs. My stomach bloats when I have dairy and I think I’ve been eating too much. I’ve been eating out a lot lately. Crappy fast food. Taco Bell and KFC. It’s cheap and convenient. The Taco Bell and KFC are a combined fast food place across the street from my girlfriend’s place. I’ve been eating there a lot and hanging out until closing, doing my homework, messing around on the internet, watching Once Upon A Time or Battlestar Galactica or Switched At Birth.
Right now I am home. My roommate hasn’t payed the rent but will on the 1st. She’s waiting for me to pay my rent in November to pay the rent that she owes. I don’t see how that little amount of money will catch her up. She told me not to worry about it! I still want to move but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a place on such short notice that doesn’t require a deposit. I also don’t want to move again in the middle of the semester but I actually will if I can. She’s leaving tonight to go up North for a few days. She asked me to pet sit. Walk the dog 3x a day and feed both the cat and the dog. I’ll have the place to myself. I can walk around sans shirt if I want to and I can play my music loud 😀 She gets back Sunday night.
My relationship with my girlfriend is going through some changes. I am changing. I am working on loving myself which at this point consists of taking responsibility for my own happiness and my own health in all ways. My emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health has to be a priority. I have been feeling alone and voicing this feeling sometimes while being with my girlfriend. I think we’ve been spending too much time together and I think I need a break. I don’t know how to say this without upsetting her. She called me an hour ago and asked if I wanted to go for a walk later. I told her I’d pass. She didn’t message me good morning this morning and 5pm today was the first contact we’ve had all day. I decided not to message her this morning or today because I feel like a lot of the times I initiate contact and I guess I am feeling like I give and give and give. My time, my money (that I don’t have a lot of) my food, my concern. I told her recently that I can’t care more about her life than she does. She hasn’t been really studying and she doesn’t have money because she doesn’t have a job. She gets money from the VA but it covers her rent only. Not food, not her phone bill, not her bus pass. I bought her bus pass last week and she is supposed to pay me back. I need that money to pay my bus pass next week. She was going to get it to me Monday. Today is Wednesday. I don’t want to bother her about it. I don’t like to argue about money or food and she knows that I need the money back so hopefully she’ll give it to me by next week before bus pass expires.
My heart, I feel, is closing up. It’s retreating. I am feeling stressed when I see her. She says that I bring her comfort. I do not feel the same. I worry that she’ll ask me to buy her a drink or a burrito or that she’ll eat all my craisins or use too much of my brown sugar when I make her oatmeal for breakfast. When she says she’s hungry it feels like she expects me to feed her.
I asked her the other day what would she do if I wasn’t there. She went to make herself some Ramen noodles. After she ate we were going for a walk and on our way out she asked her her mom and her mom’s friends if they had a dollar. One of her mom’s friends gave her a dollar and she bought candy with it. When she has money she spends it. When I have money I spend it too but I am much more careful with my money. I make sure I can buy toilet paper and wash my clothes and print out papers I need from school. My girlfriend doesn’t. We spend money differently. This is an issue now between us and I don’t know how to approach it really. I’ve already told her that I barely have enough for me and I can’t take care of her too. Sometimes I can treat her but not every time I see her. The simplest way to say it is that I want to be supportive of her and her dreams but I can’t support her financially at this time and it’s not fair that she expects me to. She says she doesn’t but she gets this look on her face if I say no and then I give in. Or she’ll ask her ex-boyfriend or her mom’s boyfriend or whoever. I don’t know.
I feel sad and frustrated.
I feel bad that I can’t but today I started thinking that maybe even if I could I shouldn’t. She’s a grown up. She’s not my wife. She’s not my kid. This alone feeling I am feeling is because I don’t feel supported. It’s affecting my ability to be intimate with her. I feel like if I say something to her that it may cause a problem with how we relate but that’s my fear coming up. I don’t want to lose her. She’s a good friend. She’s a good listener and a good hearted person. I like her and I love her. There’s somethings that I don’t like right now. I am looking at her character and her actions or lack there of. And I feel conflicted about that. I need to look at myself and take responsibility for myself, my actions. How have I contributed to this imbalance? What can I do to make steps towards a fair partnership. I need to talk to her. I need to have faith that we’ll get through this. If I don’t take care of myself the way I need to there will be no “me” left to be in a relationship at all. If I don’t talk with her about how I am feeling there will be no “us”.
I’ll wait until my heart opens up again. I want to have a heart to heart conversation with her. I need to reconnect with the part of me that is caring and loving and kind and generous and hopeful. Hopefully when I talk with her I’ll be able to come from that perspective and not the scared, frustrated, almost resentful person that I’ve been for I don’t know how long. Today was the first day I was able to voice these feelings and acknowledge them. I feel a little better now.
Thanks for reading.