I have been given the given the gift of closure and I am grateful.
I got an email from E. this morning telling me how things were from their perspective. I became physically and intimately involved with others while being emotionally involved with them. E. found this out from a blog because I didn’t have the courage and/or patience to tell them on the phone. We had tried to talk that weekend I think but missed each other’s calls and I was having a challenging time processing what was happening with me. I didn’t know how to deal with it myself. I hadn’t had sexual relations with anyone from October to 2005 until February/March of 2012. I didn’t expect to but it happened and really out of the blue and I was happy it did but sort of freaked too. My whole life changed super fast and since then it’s continued to change in ways that I could never have predicted.
My actions hurt E. badly and I violated their trust and that’s why we can’t be friends. E. gifted me with the email this morning. I’m sorry that we won’t be in each other’s lives anymore and even sadder that my life lessons this year and personal growth affected E. and some others so profoundly and in in some cases, so painfully.
I feel that I have been stripped bare and I am at once exposed, vulnerable, and new. I don’t feel fragile. I feel an incredible sense of strength and inner resilience. I feel a lessening of a load that I have unknowingly been carrying. I can forgive myself now. I can face myself and acknowledge the things that I’ve done. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone but people have been hurt. I have hurt myself. I’ve also learned to be more compassionate with myself and others and less judgmental. I am fortunate in love and friendship and I am aware of my good fortune.
Speaking of being fortunate in love 🙂 I pick up my gf from the bus station this afternoon. She’s been out of town for Thanksgiving visiting a friend. We have had an interesting 3 weeks. We’ve been surviving Mercury Retrograde. We should get an award on the 26th when it’s all over! We’ve had discussions about our future, school, our relationship and how we treat each other. I’d been having nightmares every time I slept over at her place. I’ve been a little jealous? /bothered by her ex-boyfriend who is one of her roommates. I can live with it and I would never tell her she should spend less time with him (she suggested this) but it was important that I let her know. She reassured me that she’s completely into me and they are just friends. She sees him as a brother.
We also talked about our daily communication. She’s felt like I don’t value what she says. It all started when we went to get on the bus last Sunday. Her bus pass had expired. We ended up walking back to her place and I told her I would go get her bus pass reloaded. She handed me her wallet which I didn’t want to take because I didn’t want to lose it. She told me that she keeps it in her wallet because she knows she won’t lose it if it’s in there. I didn’t want to take the wallet so she took the bus pass card out and gave it to me and guess what? Yep, I lost it. I felt really bad and she felt really angry. I ended up getting a new bus pass card for her and loading it for the month. When I got back to hers she wasn’t talking to me really. She got really stressed out and laid down on her bed and fell asleep. When she woke up, she gestured for me to come up on the bed with her. She told me, for 3 days I had been cutting her off mid sentence and mid story and that she was feeling like what she said didn’t matter to me. I listened to her and told her I was sorry and didn’t know what to say and that I’d be more aware of it in future. I’m glad that she told me before it was like weeks or months! It made me feel closer to her. There was an energy that was lifted between us and it was noticeable to us both. We are flowing much better now.
We demonstrate again and again that when we do talk things over when we are both ready, (she usually needs time to process, sometimes a day or so!), things work out. We clear the air. We remind one another that our intentions are not to hurt or wound the other but to let each other know how we’re feeling. We are a week shy of 6 months officially together as a monogamous couple. We are still getting to know each other and I hope we’ll be getting to know each other for a long time to come.
This relationship has challenged me and helped me in too many ways to count. I am happy for the experience/reality of loving her and being loved by her. I am fortunate and gifted in love.
..and I get to see and hold my love in a few hours. I’m so excited to see her!!!
Today is a beautiful, sunny, slightly cool, Southern California day. I’m enjoying it so far.
Happy Saturday All!