I am raging inside my head. Screaming. Raging inside. I pray for peace.
Someone important to me just ended all communication with me. Out of the blue. Someone I’ve known for 3 years. Someone who had feelings for me. Someone I had feelings for. This was a total shock.
This is the direct message I received on Twitter.
Unfollow me please. You hurt me too much & I don’t want to deal with seeing/hearing from you. It’s been almost 1 yr & I need closure.
Earlier, this person we’ll call E., had written a tweet:
“So, 30-somethings, tell me..what do you look for in a mate? sexual attraction, or is emotional/personality more impt? #datingafter30.”
“Emotional connection and personality. Without the emotional connection the sexual attraction will fade fast.”
“emotional connections don’t last either, unless you have maturity & good communication.”
“I should have ended the last tweet *for me*. Communication, friendship and commitment to love works for me.”
“People can be maturing and have good communication and the emotional connection can fade too.”
and right after that I got the direct message
“Unfollow me please. You hurt me too much & I don’t want to deal with seeing/hearing from you. It’s been almost 1 yr & I need closure.”
So, the background is, E. and I have known each other online for about two years. We met through another friend on twitter. Last year about this time we met in person. We hit off. If E. was here we would’ve dated. As it was E didn’t get the job they thought they would get in California and opted to go to school this fall pursuing a Ph.D in Education. Long distance wasn’t going to work for us. I needed someone here. I was ready to explore my sexuality and begin intimate physical relationships here where I live. I am polyamorous. I believe in many types of love. I am polyromantic and as of Spring I am in a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend.
For my closure I sent this email.
The twitter direct message came as a complete shock. Like when you first told me late last winter that you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I am shaking and short of breath and teary.
My intent was never to hurt you. I was giving you/us space. Space and time because time and love heals all.
E. I do care.
May your path be filled with grace and love and kindness. I wish you well.
Life and love goes on
and on and on and on…
I hope you get the feeling of closure. I live my life in circles not end points.
Here’s to new beginnings for us both.
This has been an emotional couple of hours. I’ve reread through our past emails this year. I checked my FB and E. has defriended me. I think E. has unfollowed me on another social network and I may unfollow them. I may not.
I see no lesson in this so far. Maybe it’s to let people go gracefully when they ask and need to move on. I’ve had 3 friends in the past 39 months end friendships with me. The first two I’m not sure why. One is transition related I think. He had a freak out when someone outside of our circle automatically read me as male. We’ve had very little interaction since. The second one I’m not sure at all. The rumor is that I got their pronouns wrong. I don’t know about that. It seems like we could’ve talked about it. I think it may be as silly and simple as someone said I said something about them. Or that I’m really good friends with their current boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend. The boyfriend and the ex boyfriend who is my friend, had a really nasty breakup. Police, court orders, an actual court hearing. So, that could be it. I see the second one around all the time, (our transgender community is small) but we are not friends anymore and I don’t definitively know why.
But E. has given me the reason why. E is hurt because the feelings they had weren’t returned. Expectations were not met. I moved forward with my life quickly. E. understood that I was/am polyromantic but didn’t understand what that really entailed for me and for us. Didn’t understand that no matter who I am involved with, I have a unique, meaning one of a kind, relationship with them that I value. No one can replace another. E. told me in an email earlier this Spring, that they didn’t want to hurt me and that they wanted to still be friends. I thought that’s what we were. Now I know that E. has been in pain all these months. It’s sad. I feel sad for both of us.
I’m hoping that E. gets the closure they need. (By they way, I’m using “they” because I don’t know E.’s preferred pronouns as of now). I hope for myself that I settle down and let the pain that I feel for this loss work itself out of me.
I pray for peace in mind and heart.