My Music Theory class started at 9am. I finished the video (a very rough edit) at 858a. My Professor told me to upload what I had and that she’d let our group present last. It went okay. This morning around 4am I thought there was no way it would get done. I got to school a little after 7am and two of my group members met with me and helped me make choices of what to keep and what to edit out. I’m glad it got done enough to show to the rest of our class. It had everything we needed but I didn’t get to put all the funny stuff we filmed in it. It’s not the video I intended, so I’ll work more on it over the break for my own peace of mind.
Last night was a total disaster. My girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. We were both really pissed off. She was talking on the phone to her friend for hours and I was trying to edit. I hadn’t really slept the night before and had been up all day and I was having trouble concentrating. Lack of sleep and the stressful living situation has really affected my ability to focus on anything much. Math for some reason has been the only thing that I’ve been feeling good about. Anyway, back to the blow up. She’s usually asleep by 10 or 11. It was 1032 and she was still on the phone. The phone is her way of distressing. Talking with her friend is a nightly ritual when I’m not around. So, it was 1030 and I asked her if we could compromise and maybe she could get off the phone at 11pm. I left the room to edit in the hallway. I decide to not go back in at 11p. I didn’t want to get into it. When I went in the room around 12a she was asleep with my phone still in her hand. I took it from her hands and sat down and she woke up saying that she didn’t get to tell her friend goodbye. Then she got upset that the light was on.
I got really mad because I had the video to work on and she knew it. I told her it was the most important project of the semester. Granted, I shouldn’t have waited so long to do the editing but I feel I needed more support and understanding. She’s been really supportive emotionally, especially this past month. I’m a good friend to her too. Last night, she felt disrespected because it was her room and she couldn’t be comfortable in her own room. She needed to sleep so she could concentrate in class and for her tests. I didn’t understand why she was on the phone if she needed to sleep. She needed the light off to go back to sleep and I needed the light on to see the script notes while I edited. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I told her I just wanted her to be quiet. That’s it. Then there were raised voices and slamming of doors and me riding back to my place around 130 in the am. D, my roommate, had a guy over. They were up til after 5 this morning, playing music and doing other things. Stress and no quiet anywhere, tiredness and an unexpected fight with my gf completely blew my chances of doing a better job on the video. But like I said, the video got done. I’m grateful that it did.
Today, I messaged my gf and she and I wrote a couple notes back and forth explaining our sides of it. From my perspective, we had different needs and different priorities last night. I told her I wouldn’t apologize and I didn’t expect an apology from her. She did apologize though, for raising her voice. She’s been feeling stifled because I’ve been around so much and she didn’t realize how bad it was until last night. She was trying to be considerate because she knows the situation I’m in but she’s been feeling like she hasn’t had time to herself.She says she still loves me and I told her that I don’t *still* love her, I love her always. The reality of it, is that we need some time apart. I’m in a needy place right now and am vulnerable in many ways. She’s going through her own stresses. Her health hasn’t been to good and one of her classes is not going very well.
I’ve decided to spend the school break with my Aunt and Uncle. It’ll be a 6 week break. They live about two hours away. I don’t have a car and she doesn’t have a car so I doubt we’ll see each other and right now I’m okay with that. We’ll see how things go. I told her I need to shift things in my life so that I can lead a more healthy and joyful life. I’m willing to let go of everything that isn’t in alignment with that goal. One fight doesn’t end a relationship but the timing of it is curious. It’s allowed me to let go of my attachment to try to stay in San Diego over the break to spend time together while we are both out of school. I’m going to do my best not to worry about our future and do what we normally do. We take it one day at a time. We’ll be together as long as we both want to be together. And that’s the real of it.
I thought of one of my favorite quotes today and I want to share it now.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s good advice 🙂