A year ago tomorrow I sent out emails to 3 friends and my Aunt, telling them that I was checking myself into the hospital. I didn’t want to live anymore. I had no desire to continue living. One of my friends that I emailed called me and asked where I was. I was eating pizza at an awesome pizza place by my old job. He came to talk to me and then he took me back to my place and I packed a small bag, said goodbye to my housemates, and went to the hospital. He waited with me all night, until the early morning, when I was evaluated by the psychologist on call in the ER. I was voluntarily admitted around 6am on December 1st and checked myself out on December 7th.
A year ago tonight, I was sitting in the dark trying not to kill myself. I called a friend who has dealt with people in crisis before and they helped me get through the night. I was asked if I could promise not to to do harm to myself for 24 hours. I said no. I could only promise for 12. My plan was to go to the beach (Black’s Beach) to be naked in the sun. To be naked in the ocean. To be one with nature. To reconnect to the divine within and without. To be centered in myself and in creation. It didn’t work. Going to Beautiful Black’s Beach didn’t help me that day. I didn’t feel better but I was glad I went. I was glad I tried so I could say I tried.
I called my therapist from the beach and told her where I was and how I was feeling and she told me she had to call the police and they would take me to the hospital. She talked with me the entire time I walked back up the mountain. Right before I got to the top, my battery died. When I got to the top I saw the police car on the other side of the large parking area and decided not to go over to them. I didn’t want to be taken in. I decided to ride the bus an hour and a half to a pizza place by my old job. I thought of it as one last meal. Shortly after I started eating is when my friend called me and came and talked to me and offered to take me to my house to pack a bag and go with me to emergency while I checked myself in. I went to the hospital and checked myself in as a last resort. If my time there didn’t help I could say to myself, well at least I tried. At least I tried to get help.
I’ve made it through another year. I’ve made it through a whole year. The few days I spent in the hospital helped me in many ways. According to the doctors, I was in a deep depression. For me, I was in an absolute state of apathy. I felt like I saw my life clearly. I saw myself and my situation clearly. I didn’t feel much of anything. I didn’t care about anything. I got up everyday and did everything I always did. All the busy little things that made up my day. My therapist told me that I did more things before 11am than most people did all day. But I didn’t care. It meant nothing to me. I was functioning and outwardly normal but inside I felt like I was dragging myself around. I felt tired on the inside. A soul weariness. I felt neutral. Like a flat line. A blank card. I felt like I had tried everything I could think of to be healthy and to keep going. Just keep swimming, I’d tell myself. But I begin to give up. I felt like it didn’t matter if I lived. I didn’t and don’t think of death as a bad thing. It would be a release. A letting go. A moving on to something else. I was tired of struggling. Tired of having the same conversations with my mom, dad, and brother. Tired of thinking about gender. Tired of school. Tired of living in poverty. Tired of trying to stay positive. Tired of not having a lover. Tired of not being able to travel. Just tired, you know?
Being in the hospital was a healing experience for me. The staff, nurses and doctors, were attentive and respectful. I learned a lot from the other patients. I learned a lot about myself. I found a reason to continue living. And it was enough to get me out of the hospital and into the world again. I’ve lived 365 more days. I couldn’t imagine today and now I am here. I am here now. And though life is still challenging I am able to meet the challenge. When I struggle, I know it’ll pass. I’ll get through it. I take it day by day. Sometimes it’s moment to moment but mostly it’s day by day.
Moment by moment by moment by moment..
the video project I finished this morning for Music Theory
My friends in real life and virtual life
Chocolate Chip cookies
My cousin and his gf and my Aunt and Uncle