Dark Knight/Grey Mood

The weather here in San Diego is a little all over the place. It’s been grey and a bit chilly but now, mid-afternoon, the clouds are parting and I can see the blue sky from my spot in our new Student Services Building. 2012-12-06_14-12-17_21 It became available to students and staff about a month ago. I like working from here vs. the library right now. I’ve spent almost 3 years in our library and I’m sort of over it.

School is going well. On Monday I got back 4 quizzes from Math and I got 100% on all of them! Yay! I just finished my math homework that is due tomorrow morning. We are doing series and sequences right now. The section I just finished was on Geometric Sequences. I like series and sequences. It’s nice that it’s the last thing we’re learning. I’ve been listening to and partially watching the final Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, while working on my hw. This movie is nice and long. I like doing hw to movies and TV shows because it helps me keep track of time. I finished at about the half way mark. As far as Math goes, we have class tomorrow, one more section to learn, then afterwards we have an hour and a half review in the new tutoring lab and then next week all review. The final is scheduled for Monday the 17th. I can’t wait!

Music Theory is going okay. Our teacher calculated our grades for us on Tuesday and I have a low A in the class going into the Final. I didn’t do so well on a test or two at the beginning of the semester but I’ve earned a lot of extra credit online and all that work has payed off nicely. All I have to do is do as well on the final as I have done on the past 3 exams and I’ll be good to go.

I haven’t been feeling well for the past two days. I got sick on Tuesday night from the chicken my gf made for dinner. The food was really good but she told me later that she used a lot of lemon and thinks that my body couldn’t handle all the citric acid. I was nauseous pretty much all night Tuesday night and a good majority of Wednesday day. I felt better around 8p and I ate something. Later that night, (last night) I was feeling not so well. I woke up a little after one throwing up a bit. My gf went to get me a very large bowl so if I got sick again I wouldn’t make a mess and I wouldn’t have to get up. This morning I just got up and brushed me teeth, got dressed, and made my way to school to get some hw done. I was feeling not so good still. I’m starting to feel a little more normal now but not really moving around much.

I’ve decided to go back to my Aunt and Uncle’s this weekend. I leave tomorrow afternoon and I’ll get there in the evening. I’m trying to arrange a ride from the train station with my cousin. I’m hoping he can pick me up on his way home. He commutes in his car but sometimes he takes the train or carpools. If he can’t, my Aunt will. I’ll come back to San Diego Monday morning to finish out the last week of the semester.

Staying with my gf has been an issue for me. I’ve been having nightmares and not sleeping well. Her mom yells a lot. Out of nowhere. For the littlest thing. There’s a lot of tension between them and I am really really very sensitive. I like peace and quiet. I love peace and quiet. I need peace and quiet.

Another thing disturbing my equilibrium, is the state of the room I’m staying in. My gf’s room is really really messy. It’s been messy for over a month at least. I don’t know why she doesn’t clean it. Her mom told her to clean it way back. Like before Thanksgiving and she hasn’t. I don’t know if it’s to spite her mom. I mean, I understand, it’s her room but it’s just..too messy. Bordering on gross to me. I think she’s comfortable in her mess but I’m not. I was hoping when I came back on Monday that the room would be clean. We’ve already talked about the room being too small for two people and she knows that I like space. We’ve talked about that. She is lazy, by her own admission, but I’m wondering if there’s not something deeper going on here. She’s also been sensitive about her weight. She’s bigger than she’s ever been. I think she’s not doing too well inside and her refusal or inability to clean her room and wash her clothes (some clothes have been piled in a corner for 6 months! no joke) is a self-esteem or self respect or self love thing. It may be a sign of something(s) not being right.

I don’t know exactly what’s going on with her. And I don’t know how to approach this with her other than what we’ve already discussed. All I can do, I feel, is be willing and able to listen when/if she wants to talk to me. All I can do for myself is try not to be there as much. I may contact a friend and see if I can stay with them next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night. Because…

last night, my gf was up til almost 2am drawing, inking, and coloring. Her art is amazing!! by the way, but it wasn’t til I woke up really sick did she stop and turn out the lights. I asked her if we could come to an agreement that on Monday and Wednesday night we could have lights out around 10pm. My finals for Theory are Tuesday and Thursday and I need to get a good night’s sleep. I don’t know if something will happen, if all the sudden she’ll be inspired to stay up or if she’ll want to talk to her friend until she falls asleep or if her mom will come home yelling about something and that makes me feel anxious and afraid and I don’t like it. I don’t feel safe in her space. I feel that I’m always a bit on guard and I told her last week that the only good thing about her space is that she’s in it. That fact is starting not to mean as much. And that concerns me. But, right now my main concern is that I am well rested before my tests, so hopefully I’ll be able to crash with my friend.

I want to be healthier and I want to be kinder to myself. Part of that is not putting myself in stressful situations. Part of that is really communicating what I need and living accordingly. Her not cleaning her room, makes me feel unwelcome but I know that it’s not her intention and I am thankful at this time that I have a roof over my head. I know that the messy room is not about me but it affects me on many levels, the look of it, the stagnation I see when I look around, really affect me. I feel myself closing down and retreating inward. I need beauty around me and/or space. At my Aunt and Uncle’s I have both. I can’t wait to be there again 🙂

When I come back to San Diego in January for Spring Semester I’ll look for my own place and make a home for myself. Over the break I’ll relax and do some soul searching regarding myself, our relationship and what I wish to create for the next phase of my life. Health and happiness and creativity is what comes to mind as of now. Sounds good, eh? Sounds good 🙂

Peace All.
Happy Thursday.

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