Do I suck?
Does my life temporarily suck?
Does my relationship suck?
I’ve been having a hard time thinking. I’ve been having a hard time thinking about my life. School started 2 weeks ago. My class schedule is super good this semester. I have Psychology Statistics Monday and Wednesday early afternoon, Psychology Statistics Lab Monday afternoon (optional except for when we have hw due or a test), Psychology 101 Monday night. Philosophy 205 Critical Thinking/Writing Wednesday. I am taking Philosophy 205 as a honor’s course. I really like my teacher. I decided to drop Astronomy Lab and Music Theory II. It was a hard decision to drop Music Theory but the night classes get out at 9 and 10 respectively and Music Theory starts at 9am. I would be fucking miserable. So, I decided not to be miserable as far as school goes.
Living situation. I feel miserable. I came back to San Diego the afternoon before the semester started (Sunday, Jan 27th) and I was going to stay at my girlfriend’s house for the week and hopefully move that weekend because my financial aid would come in and it was the 1st of the month. Perfect. When I arrived that Sunday afternoon there was a new addition to the house. 16 pots of pot. My girlfriend’s mom (Ja.) decided to grow marijuana in the open closet downstairs near the kitchen. She decided that she would grow and sell marijuana because she’s tired of being broke. She didn’t ask my girlfriend or their other roommate J. and I was upset because my girlfriend didn’t tell me before I arrived. But I stayed. I stayed because the school is 3 minutes a way on bus. I stayed because it would only be a few days. But I was uncomfortable and as the week went on J. and my girlfriend voiced that they were uncomfortable. They had a meeting with her mom (Ja.) and told her that the plants had to go. Ja.said if the plants go, she goes. She said a lot of things. That they were being uptight, that it was no big deal. It is a big deal. If there were a problem here and the police came, we could all be in trouble. I would lose my financial aid, J. could lose his job, my girlfriend would lose her funding for school, they could all get kicked out of here, and I think that my girlfriend’s mom would go to jail. I’m not sure if we would but the point is, it put us all at risk. Unnecessary risk.
So my girlfriend, J. and Ja. have the conversation about the plants having to go about 3 times over the entire weekend. Ja. was adamant about moving out and my girlfriend and J. told her they weren’t kicking her out, it was just that the marijuana couldn’t stay. So the rent was due and I was still looking for a place and Ja. was saying that she was moving out so they told her to take the money she would’ve payed for rent and use it to find another place. I covered Ja.’s rent and my girlfriend’s rent because my girlfriend’s money for school will not be coming in until the beginning of March. We decided to count it as my first month’s rent plus deposit or whatever. Ja. didn’t move. She said it was too short of notice and that she didn’t have enough for a deposit on a new place. I was fed up with the situation and needed a break from it all so I went to my Aunt and Uncle’s place for the weekend. They are about 4 hours and two trains away from San Diego. The day that I left my girlfriend texts me that her mom moved the plants out. So where does that leave me? What’s going to happen? Is she still moving out? My stress level is way up.
I got back to San Diego this morning and I hadn’t really slept last night so I went to sleep when I got here (my girlfriend’s house) and when I woke up I was still anxious and stressed. I was going to talk to my girlfriend about the living situation but she was studying and I didn’t want to disturb her. Her mom knocked on the door to come and get something and I asked her if I could talk with her. I wanted to know if she was staying and she doesn’t know. I thought that maybe I could renew my search and she could pay me her portion of the rent she owed this month but that didn’t work out because she’s spent all the money. All the money! She gets money at the end of the month but is she staying or is she going? And should I wait or should I just go? My Aunt and Uncle will help me cover any deposit I need and I can pay them back when I get the rest of my financial aid. I don’t want to leave my girlfriend and J. if her mom decides to move but if she doesn’t move I need to move. I don’t want to live here with her mom. Another complication is that my girlfriend’s oldest bestest friend is coming for a long visit, February 21st-March 11th and this is a two bedroom-1 bath-two story place. 5 people in this place is not going to work for me. I need space and I need quiet to renew myself. So I know what I need and what’s best for me but I don’t know if I should wait and see or what? J. and my girlfriend will talk to her mom tomorrow night. I’ll know what’s up soon enough.
I want to acknowledge some good things in my life:
I love my psychology 101 Professor a lot. I like getting my reading and homework done for my classes. It keeps me occupied and helps me to feel good abou myself that I’m getting all my work done in the midst of the stress I feel. I am thankful for my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin who always welcome me. I am thankful for my computer, Crystal, and all the things that I can do with her. I am thankful for my girlfriend. I am thankful for a full belly and a roof over my head. I am thankful for my futon mat and my green comforter that I’ve had for 17 years. It’s a true comfort thing for me.