And Here I Am

I have lived 34 years and 9 months. Three months from today it’ll be 35 years completed. These numbers mean little to me except they tell me that time is passing by. Passing more quickly that I could ever have imagined.

I am at my Aunt and Uncle’s again. I arrived Friday night and will leave Wednesday morning unless there is some sort of emergency in San Diego that requires my presence.

I have been feeling frustrated about my living space. I have decided to move at the end of February/the beginning of March. My concern has been that I’ll find a place and my girlfriend’s mom will decided to move out to stick it to my girlfriend and her roommate. I told them that I could cover February’s rent, which I’ve done but if she’s not out by the end of the month I won’t move in. I don’t believe she’ll go and if she does go and I’m there, she’ll be half way gone. I want her completely out. I don’t want her to come around for the internet or to get a change of clothes or to stay for a couple of days out of the week which she has said she might do. She wants to stay on the lease and I don’t want her to because when she’s been throwing tantrums, cursing us out, complaining about the lack of money or lack of food in the house, threatening to move out (ever since I’ve known her, which is going on a year now) she’ll inevitably say “I’m on the g-damn lease, I’m not going anywhere” and if she stays on the lease she can come and go as she pleases and that’s not okay with me.

Last week, my gf reverted to saying how much her mom has done for the apartment and she has. She’s put a lot of money in to the place. She covered my gf’s rent for at least 3 months last year when my gf wasn’t working. And the thing is, I know all this and I know that the bond between mother and child, no matter how volatile is a strong one. I’ll never understand all the intricacies of their relationship. All I know is that there’s a lot of pain, drama, and on her mom’s side, unexpected bursts of verbal abuse. This month there has been none of it because it’s the first time that my gf has stood up to her. Her feeling are hurt. She seems so small to me now. Wounded. And..

I need to stop worrying about all of them and do what’s right for me. I worry that even if her mom does move out and I move in that it may not be the best for our relationship. I’ve never known my gf to be responsible for herself. She’s been out of work and gets her money from the VA for school but it’s not a lot and her mom, me, her roommate, and some of her friends help her out by buying her food, getting her bus pass, paying her rent, her phone, books for school and so on. She doesn’t like to owe people she says but she hasn’t gotten a job and I know if this continues and I’m living with her I’ll be frustrated and bitter and it’ll end us. I’ve talked with her and she said she’d get a job and that I don’t have to worry but the thing is, I have a hard time believing her. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and not hold her to the past but if past behavior is indicative of how it will be, how it is now, then really it means I have a decision to make.

Know this. I will make the decision I can live with. My Uncle said something to me this evening that meant a lot to me. He told me to choose happiness. Choose whatever brings me happiness. My Aunt told me to look for around. Be open to finding a good place that’s for me. A place that I can be quiet in, that I can study, and write, and create, and renew myself.

2 thoughts on “And Here I Am

  1. I agree start doing for you worry about you and what is going to make you successfull as a student a friend and a partner!


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