I’ve been pissed off for the past couple hours on and off.
My gf and I just had a talk where I started off pissed off but settled down and where she ended up crying. We were supposed to be meeting to make dinner and we decided to stil meet up, despite our talk because we haven’t seen each other in a couple days and we both need to it eat. We just put the food in the oven but things are still tense.
When we walk anywhere we usually hold hands. We were walking to the store and I went to hold hands and she had this limp hand. Like I was holding her hand but she wasn’t really holding mine. I gently squeezed, “hey, we’re okay”. But no, I get a limp hand. And my feelings were hurt. Well,I said what I needed to say. All of it true. All the stuff I’ve said before and I’m tired of having this conversation. I just want her to take care of herself and be responsible for herself. I only have a little bit of money to get me through the rest of the month. We’re both students and we’re both on a budget. She usually spends her money fast (rent, cell phone, utilities) and she’s been paying people back money she owes them, including me, so she’s out of money. She’s doing the best she can and I know that we all are but I’m tired of this.
The other day she had a headache. She gets headaches when she’s dehydrated and stressed. I’d been buying her things to drink and I gave her the last of my tea. Later she reached for my water and it was less than half a bottle and I was thirsty and I said no. I didn’t have any water at home and I didn’t have any money. I texted her roommate to ask him if he could give her a couple of bucks for food and something to drink without her knowing that I asked. He managed to do it 🙂 The point is, she says that it was a stress headache and I’m sure it was but it was also due to dehydration and not eating and not having money for her basic physical needs.
So, what got things started today was earlier, when we were talking about making dinner, I told her if there was no dishsoap I wasn’t going to do the dishes. We have a rule we usually go by, that whoever cooks does the dishes. Recently we both have been cooking a portion of the meal and I’ve been doing the dishes. There’s very little dishwashing liquid. She hadn’t done any dishes in the past few days but I didn’t know that. I thought that the dishsoap was gone but it’s not. There’s no handsoap and there’s no toilet paper here either. I decided in February that I wouldn’t buy anymore toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent, hand soap for this house. I can’t support two houses. There are 3 adults who live here for fuck’s sake. The only reason I’ve been buying all that stuff on and off for almost a year is because I care about it. I want to use toilet paper to clean myself up after i use the bathroom and I want to wash my hands afterwards and before I eat or anytime I want my hands clean, you know? They obviously don’t care as much as I do and so I decided to carry my own little soap and always have napkins just in case I need to use the bathroom here when there’s no toilet paper. This seems really ridiculous as I type this and that’s another reason why I got pissed off. This is a stupid waste of energy. Blah!
Then I told her I think she needs help. Either a counselor at school, for academic planning (she just dropped a class and has C’s or low B’s in her other two classes), or carrer planning counselor to help her with her resume and job search, or a psychologist. I feel that there is something not right with her. She says she wants to be a nurse but doesn’t study, focus, or do well in her classes. She hangs out, watches TV, plays video games etc. Fine. It’s her life. She says she doesn’t like not having money, doesn’t want to ask people for money, is embarrassed because people pay for her to eat, embarrassed because she has holes in almost all her pants and some undergarments, socks, and she needs shoes and so on. She didn’t say any of this until today when we talked. She cried and said that’s why she doesn’t ever talk about it. I don’t think not talking about it is helping. She doesn’t think talking about it will help. I told her that I’m pissed because I’m tired of looking at her and seeing her do without and I’m pissed off because I can’t help her any more than I have. I’ve spent more money on her than I want to think about and no, she rarely asks for anything but how can I sit by and not help. So I’m pissed off because I care so much and that sucks. She says she’s tired of being broke but I don’t see her looking for work. She says she’s put in applications but no one calls back, I asked her where did she apply and she told me. I should have asked when.
But this isn’t pick on your girlfriend day. I’m done with this vent. It’s Saturday. It’s my only designated day off. I go back to doing homework tonight and I need to let this go. I’ve said what I needed to. She’s said what she needed to say to me. And she has her life to live and I have mine. Is this trouble for us? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m not at all at break up point but I’m definitely in the mind set of stepping back and minding my own business. I like to be supportive and helpful in my relationships and I don’t really know what else I can do here. I’m going to focus on my stuff. School, health, trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself as far as money goes, especially this summer. And what I need to do to improve my life.
More on school and career aspiration in another post.
Ta for now. Happy Saturday! And thanks for reading.