My gf A. left for METROCON this morning. She does Cosplay with her friends. She’s been looking forward to this convention all year. I know she’ll have a great time! I’m happy for her 🙂 She left for the airport around 4a and I’ve pretty much been up since. It’s been a weird day. My mood has been kind of blah. I thought I was going to be out and about and I pretty much stayed in the house the majority of the day. I called the pharmacy and had my medication delivered to my house. It came around 430p. I washed all the dishes that were dirty in the kitchen even though they weren’t mine. I wash my dishes and pots after I use them. Right now one of A.’s friends is staying on the couch in the living room until she finds an apartment to rent. She left her food on the stove and a pot in the refrigerator. A. got ticked off about the pot so her friend washed it but the food in the pot on the stove has been there for three days! so I just went ahead and washed it. Tomorrow I plan to clean the bathroom and possibly the stairs. I swept the stairs the other day but they really need to be scrubbed.
Two nights ago A. and I cleaned her room. Her room is usually a disaster to me. There’s just stuff everywhere. Dirty clothes, jewelery, dirty dishes, trash, papers, books..etc. It’s her room and she can have her room any way she wants to but she knows that it makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t feel like being intimate at all when every thing around me is so dirty. We’ve had this conversation many many times. I told her just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. It always bothers me. She sometimes straightens up but mostly doesn’t. I was only supposed to be in town for 4 days visiting her and now I’ve been here 3 days past that. I told her Monday night that it was really upsetting for me to be in such a mess, especially with all the stress I’m experiencing. I’ve had nightmares every night since I’ve been in San Diego and a clean space would go a long way in helping me feel more balanced. I also reminded her that she knew for two weeks that I was visiting and asked her why she didn’t prepare for me to be in her space. She said she did clean up a little bit. She has ADD and she blames her messiness on that. She doesn’t notice her messiness. I really need to do more research into ADD. I ended up telling her that I’d help her clean and so that’s what we did for 3 hours! It was worth it to me. It feels so airy and much better over all. When we were about 75% done cleaning she looked around the room and told me she felt a lot of anxiety. This stage of cleaning makes her feel so uncomfortable she avoids cleaning at all. I did not know this. I think that’s super interesting. When the room is like that I think, wooo! I’m almost done. I told her if she cleaned once a week it would only take about an hour. When I have my own room or my own studio or apartment I pick up every morning because I like coming home to a clean place or I lightly every other day depending on how busy I am. She thanked me for helping her clean and I thanked her for agreeing to clean even though she was tired and we had to postpone our plans to go to the movies. I told her a clean space is more important to me than any date we could’ve went on. I don’t know how well that went over but it is truly how I feel.
Yesterday, I spent the day at the library at school and turning in the last of my paperwork for my job at the bookstore. Hopefully I’ll be put on the schedule for next week. I also went to the grocery store and wandered around San Diego a bit. I rode a couple buses and got on the trolley. I went to another library about 40 minutes away to check out a book for her to read on the plane. She ended up not taking it after all 😦 When I got back to the house a little bit before 9p she told me she had a little attitude and said she was going to bed. Earlier I asked what her plans were for the day and she said she was tired and that she was going to sleep the majority of the day and then stay up the rest of the night because she had to be up around 330a to get ready to go to the airport. I’m a night person so I thought we were going to hang out. When I found out she was going to sleep I tucked her in and then left to go to McDonalds to use their free wi-fi. I watched an episode of Lie To Me on Netflix and then went back to her place. I found her in the living room talking to three of her friends. Her friend who is staying on her couch invited people over. I went upstairs and got undressed and was just trying to unwind from my day of being out and about. She came upstairs and we got into it a little bit. She asked me what I did all day and I told her and she said she thought we were going to spend time together and I said I had asked what her plans were earlier and I had told her that I would be out and about. She said she’d hoped we’d spend time together because she was going to be gone for 5 days. I told her we had spent the past 5 days and nights together pretty much non-stop and after about 3 days with anyone, not just her, I start to want to be just with myself. She knows this. We’ve been together for almost 15 months. She knows this! I told her I was really feeling like I’m not supposed to be here. My life is really weird right now. Really uncertain and I’m trying not to lose it.
I was originally going back to my Aunt’s house on Sunday, then I thought maybe Monday, or maybe Tuesday (last night) but my Aunt hasn’t worked out a time for us to have our family meeting so I’m still in San Diego. A. felt that I avoided her all day and I felt that I needed time to myself to just live my life and do my own thing. Next time I hope we communicate our needs to one another more clearly. I needed space and she wanted to spend time with me. She said she had hoped to spend at least an hour with me yesterday. Now, if she told me that yesterday morning, I would’ve gotten home sooner or figured something out. I told her that we spent 3 hours together that morning and I thought that was enough. I didn’t go out until after 1p. I just feel like she’s wanting more from me/of me than I can give. I’m super stressed. I’m trying to change my life for the better. Things are so up in the air for me right now. I need time to think and to be with my own energy. I don’t want to just hang out around the house all day. This is not a “hanging out” time for me.
I didn’t go to bed until around 1a and when I did she snuggled up to me and we went to sleep. I woke up with her a couple hours later and walked her and her bags to the car. Another friend was driving her to the airport. Today, I’ve had the entire house to myself. No one has been home. It’s been quiet and nice. I have the room to myself for a couple days and I told A. that it would be clean for her when she returns on Monday. I’m at the library right now to hang out and use the wi-fi. I’ve checked out a couple books about drawing. After this I plan on walking to the store and getting some food to make for dinner. Later I’ll read some, and watch at least one episode of Lie To Me.
Thanks for reading.
Today is my ex-wife’s 36th birthday! Cole, I wish you the best. Happy Birthday love ❤