A Note To My Girlfriend @1am

Good morning A.!
Please check the living room/kitchen area before you retire to your room for the night. I don’t know if the little gatorade bottle is yours but the big PowerAid one is. They were left in the living room. It upsets me. Please be mindful every night to check to see if you left anything. If you are not feeling well, tell me and I’ll do it. Please pretend that you are meeting my family for the first time and be mindful of your language, and your temper and the volume in which you speak when you are angry. You were probably unaware but you were yelling at the TV or remote or whatever and it was persistent and I felt uncomfortable. I understand that you are easily triggered by malfunctioning technology and that your patience in that regard is nil but please be aware of the emotional climate of the room. Perhaps in future, maybe step out of the room to regain your composure and/or simply hand over the control.

I’m at my Aunt and Uncle’s house for the holidays. My gf, A. is with me. She and my Aunt get along really well. My Aunt really loves her and A. really likes her and doesn’t have family in California except for her mom and her mom is busy taking care of an older woman with serious health problems. I didn’t want A. to be alone for the holidays. My Aunt and Uncle were kind enough to buy her train ticket to get up here. Everyone seems to be having a good time but me. And all this is my fault. I’m having an ok time. I’d give it a C+. My attitude or inner attitude is making me feel down. I feel anger and frustration. I feel that I am under a lot of psychological strain right now because of my relationship. In the past two days I haven’t slept much and I’m overeating. The consequences: My temper is short and my mood is erratic. My temper is not directed outwardly. It’s an inner, almost seething feeling. Anguish. Sadness. If someone, my gf or my partner, anyone I am intimate with was as unhappy as I am, I’d want them to tell me no matter what. No matter the day or season. But I don’t feel I can do anything about this until after the holidays. I can’t ruin the good feelings that are floating around. I need to rally myself. Think about all the good in my life and all that I am thankful for. I need to lighten my heart and lay down this burden. I need to have compassion for myself as well as her, yet if I were to treat her how I’d want to be treated, I’d talk to her and tell her how I feel about our relationship sooner rather than later. Tell her that I’m sorry. Thank her for sharing herself with me, her space with me, her life with me. I’d wish her well and hope that she’d be well. But I can not. I will not. Not at this time. I wonder/worry when will be the right time.


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