I’ve Decided Not To Be Mad

I’ve decided not to be mad. I was mad this morning and this early afternoon. Then tonight I started to feel sick. I’ve burned myself out with anger. I feel like a 3 or 4 year old who is just learning how to regulate their emotions. My temper has been up a lot lately. I think because for so long I had guilt and anxiety about ending my long term relationship. Now that I have, I feel like I can be more honest about how I am feeling. I feel like I am healing. I have full use of the spectrum of emotions and right now anger seems to show itself most. And anger for me is usually really about hurt feelings.

I am emotionally involved with a woman person I know. She and I have a connection that I feel is special. Sometimes though, it’s confusing. I feel confused. We’ve talked about meeting in person. She seemed all for it. I told her I was coming down this weekend because I have four days off and this was her response:

-We can totally meet up when you come here but id really like to go to sd-

I live in SD and she’s said she wanted to come here before a couple times. She said she loves it here. So the next day, yesterday I messaged her to invite her down for a day trip. We both have full schedules. Oh, the day before she had asked me when was I free. So anyways, we both have full schedules, I figure a day visit would be cool because we’ve never met before and there would be no chance of an awkward anything about sleeping arrangements or hotels or anything. So I told her what my schedule is and suggested that we meet up this week if she’s the spontaneous type and if she’s the planning type we’d make plans and work it out. So that was yesterday morning. And I haven’t heard back. And I was upset about it this morning and early afternoon. Communication is really important to me. I realize that she may be busy, which she is and so am I, but she’s a very active FB user.

I got off of work today and decided to message her. This morning, I was like, I’m not going to message her. I’ll let her message me and so on. I felt that at the very least she could say she needed to think about it or check her schedule or if she’s freaked out I wished she’d just tell me because I’d understand and I wouldn’t have to wonder and think about it or second guess things. My good friend said that she wouldn’t message her until she responded. I really wanted to wait but I didn’t because I was afraid. I was afraid she’d call me or chat with me as if nothing happened. I was afraid I’d be blown off. Because when I sent her the I “like you” like you poem, she never responded to it but she did call me and we started to interact more with each other so I just let it go because I thought that was her response. She knew I liked her and I feel if she felt the same she’d tell me or she’d tell me when or if she was ready. So I haven’t asked her about that. But this time I didn’t want the same thing to happen because I don’t want it to be a pattern so..I messaged her:

Hello. Hiya. Howdy! Just finishing up with work. Wondering what’s up in regards to my previous messages ^^?

And she’s seen the message and she hasn’t responded. But she could be at work or driving home or anything. She could be thinking about it. I don’t know. The thing is, I am emotionally invested in her. I’m not beating myself up about it because it’s been cool and even though some people may have judgement about getting to know someone on the internet, I know people who it’s totally worked out for and some of my very good friends, I’ve never met in person. I feel like there’s something going on and it’s not about me and so tonight I’m not mad. I may have some residual frustration in the back of my mind but I’m okay.

I know I’m awesome. I know she likes me as a person. She may not “like me” like me and that’s okay. I’m all about being friends. My thing is, in any type of relationship I’m in, communication is key. I don’t want to have to guess what’s up with someone. I have plenty going on in my own head 🙂 I don’t know if she’s having second thoughts about meeting me, I don’t know if she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I just know that I’m not going to be mad about it anymore. Nor sad about it. I’m tired. It’s not worth my health or my peace of mind. And plus, every thing comes to light. I’ll know what’s up soon enough.

p.s.
I was just looking through past February blogs and in Feb 2012 I met up with someone from the internet that I had never met before. The blog entry begins with: If you take a risk and it pays off, you’ll be happy. If you take a risk and it doesn’t pay off, you’ll be wiser.

I feel that way now.

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