I burned myself out with anger yesterday. I could feel it inside me. Not boiling mad but a steady slow roast. This morning I woke up not feeling well. I ate too late I thought. Though when I went to sleep I felt fine. I finally got out of the house around 130 and went downtown to get my next ear stretch. It’s been about 11 months since I started this journey. The last stretch was during the 1st week of December and that was a size 2. My ear piercing guy told me that the stretch between 2 and 0 was a big one so he said the longer I waited the better.
It’s been about 9 weeks and so I went in. It was my hardest stretch to date! Though initially I was like, oh, this isn’t bad. But my lobes are still sore. I’m going to have to sleep carefully tonight. I love the color I chose. And that was the highlight of my day.
Tonight, I started feeling really nauseated and super exhausted. I skipped Bio because I could barely lift my head and I just couldn’t go. I emailed my lab Professor to see if I could turn in the homework that was due today, next week.
Why am I suffering?
Right now it’s because this woman I like is not talking to me in the way I need or want. It sounds silly when I type it. Really. The thing is she seemed all about meeting me this weekend and now total silence. Though she’s still interacting with me on FB she hasn’t responded to the message I left her on Sunday morning or the following one I left her last night, asking about the message on Sunday. Today I accidentally sent something in a pm to her that she put on my wall this morning. I was trying to send it to a friend of mine in a pm but subconsciously I sent it to her. She responded: I’m sorry..I’ve been struggling a bit. I didn’t ask her what with. I said I was sorry and that the I meant to message my friend and then I shared a meme with her about struggling today is strengthening you for tomorrow. It was something like that. I told her to take care and be good to herself and thanked her for sending me the meme:
with this caption: “Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.”
―Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince
And she said: you are welcome..
And that was all for today.
I sent her a text this evening asking if there’s anything I can do regarding the struggle she spoke of earlier and no response. No response. No response. She’s not too busy. She’s just not responding. And I know I shouldn’t take it personally but my feelings are hurt. And I think it’s one of the worst things to want to talk with someone and them not want to talk with you. It’s making me sick. I’m making myself sick. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could walk away but I feel that’s too drastic and dramatic. She hasn’t wronged me. She’s dealing with whatever however is best for her. And I am suffering (I know perhaps I am being overly dramatic) not because I am not getting my way or what I want. I am suffering because I am emotionally involved and way more than I thought I was or care to be. It’s like all the talk and chatting and calls and messages last week set me up for this feeling of dejection. I don’t feel rejected. I don’t feel ignored. I feel confused. Like, what happened? What is happening? And that’s why I am suffering. Because I don’t know and I can’t make her talk to me. I have to wait. And she still may never say what this was all about.