I was sick and and off from Tuesday of last week until Sunday/Monday. I started feeling more myself on Monday. Just in time to head back to school and work 😀
I had a 4 day weekend and I planned to go out of town and I couldn’t travel. What I did do was think a lot, watch movies, write, chat with friends online, do homework. The most pressing thing, so actually maybe it’s the most important thing is that I came to terms with a woman I feel I’ve been obsessing over for the last two weeks. I don’t know if obsessing is too strong a word. It’s more like I’ve been deeply infatuated. I feel one of the contributing factors of me getting sick was because I was so mad and frustrated that she wasn’t communicating with me the way I wanted/needed. She was all about talking to me and chatting with me, and texting the week before. All about wanting to meet me and then nada. But it wasn’t really nada. It was that she didn’t return a message to me asking her about coming to San Diego to visit. She had mentioned it a few times but then when I asked her if she wanted to come down or make plans to visit, it was like *crickets chirping*. And then I thought about it. Like really, I spent too much time thinking about it! But I’ve come to the conclusion that her texts and her “liking” stuff on FB and her sending me memes and texts, were her way of communicating with me. It was frustrating that she didn’t respond directly to what I asked but she indirectly responded. Her silence on the matter made it clear that she wasn’t ready to. Unfortunately, for me, that kept me spinning. And fortunately for me is that I realize that I deserve better or desire more in an intimate relationship. Communication is very important to me. And is essential for me to feel secure and loved in a relationship or friendship. If I feel like if I write, I won’t get a response, I start to feel like, why bother? And if I feel that way, then there is no point of investing my time and energy, you know? It means that something is off and this is not for me.
Somewhere in the last few days I decided to let it go. And it seems like yesterday and today have proven to me that I have let go of the expectations I had. Let go of the fantasy and fear I had in regards to whether she “liked me” liked me, of whether we’d like each other when we met in person, or whether whatever was happening would turn into something more. I was afraid that I’d be cruel or indifferent. That I’d carry some anger or hurt over. And I haven’t. I feel a sense of calm and well being and I can’t separate this from overcoming the stomach bug and all the nausea I had last week and this weekend. Somewhere in physically getting healthier, my inner state in regards to this woman cleared. I was able to express what I needed to her. And she received it. I stopped obsessively checking her FB page last Thursday I think. And that helped. I’ve distanced myself emotionally but not in a rejecting type of way. It’s more like I have balance again. I feel strong and happy. Tuesday and today I’ve been happier than I have been in a long time. Everything looks better to me. The stars were mesmerizing tonight when I walked home. I stopped a few times to see how bright and visible they were. Food tastes better to me and I know that’s because I barely ate last week (I lost about 5 pounds I think) and I’m so glad I can eat again. The happiness comes from feeling healthy again. There is a little weakness in my legs I feel but the walking today helped. Besides feeling good again in my body, I feel more clear in my head. My heart feels linked to my mind in a good way, with neither taking the lead and trying to rule over the other.
My friends have helped me a lot too. Telling me I need to “do me” for awhile. Telling me to not jump into something so fast. Like, don’t focus on liking someone and worrying about if they like me back or whatever. Focus on things that I like and things that I’d like to do. A few friends advised me to turn that attention towards myself instead of being so outwardly focused. I need to take time to Heal from the breakup with my girlfriend which really was only a 3-4 weeks ago.
And this is true. Basically, it’s about self love and giving myself the time to get to know myself again as a single person. And knowing that it is okay to be where I’m at, feel what I feel, and be who I am entirely. I deserve my love and attention now. And it’s the best thing I can do.
I totally agree.