Last night when Mg and I talked she said that if I was going to be a part of q’s life that I couldn’t just say I didn’t want to talk about something and that I was going to have to step up. She said that she and her family have been dealing with my brother for years and that me and my family needed to shoulder some responsibility. I asked her what she wanted me to do. She said she wants me to call my brother and tell him to stop harassing her. I said I couldn’t do that. That it’s between her and him. That if it’s that bad she should get legal help. I told her she can’t tell how to have a relationship with my brother. If he calls me and starts talking about it I’ll talk to him about him taking responsibility for his choices and actions but I am not going to tell him what to do based on what she says. I told her that if it was happening in my presence I would step in. When I mentioned the legal thing she said that his texts weren’t threatening her. He was calling her a bad mom and stuff about her being white and not knowing how to raise a black man.
She said I wasn’t willing to compromise and I told her again that the relationship I have with my brother is my business. And what she and he have created is their own thing. I told her I felt like I couldn’t be the friend she needs me to be and that she needs to seek out a therapist. Someone impartial for her to talk to. She said if I am not willing to step up then maybe I wouldn’t be able to visit right now and I told her it sounds like she’s threatening me. If I don’t do what she wants me to do then I won’t be able to see my nephew. I told her that her mom offered to let me stay in her guestroom so I don’t have to stay at her place. I think she was upset by that. She said I have access to her family and that she doesn’t have access to mine. I”m the only one she can talk to. I told her I can’t make my family talk to her. And I was like I want to know if I stay at your mom’s house will you bring q over. Am I going to be able to see q. She didn’t give me a yes or a no. I told her to be clear my priority is my health and my relationship with q.
She said that I’m being unrealistic if I think I can come visit and we not talk about any of this. And I was like, what’s there to talk about? Nothing can get resolved. I told her she has custody she could do whatever she wants. She said again that she wants her mom and her sisters and her and I to talk so I can know what they’ve experienced and I suggested we do it before the visit like on the phone but she wanted it to be in person and I was like ok. But q can’t be there.
There was a lot more to the conversation but I am getting really tired. I woke up this morning with my heart clenched tight and my body tense, my throat hurting. Super upset. I called her about an hour later asking for a minute or two of her time. I told her that I am only going to be up there for 3 days and I don’t want to spend time with q. I don’t get to see him and I don’t want to waste a second of my time with any of this. I asked her if she, her mom, and her sisters could talk on the phone on a weekend between now and the trip. She said yes. When we all talk I’ll listen to them and when it comes up about keeping secrets from my family I am going to flat out tell her no. It’s not fair of her to ask me that. My Aunt is a source of support for me and I am not giving that up for anything. If that means I won’t be able to see my nephew unless I do what she wants then I’ll wait until he’s older to know him. And if he ever asks I’ll tell him to ask his mom and I’ll share with him my experience of the situation.
To all who hung in there and read all this. Thank you!
Writing all this out helped me tremendously.
I’m super sorry about all the changes in tenses. Maybe when later on this week I’ll go back and fix as much as I can.