I Am Not My Mood

I’ve been struggling the last couple of weeks. Mentally and emotionally. I feel on the verge of a breakdown which is not a good space to be in. I am overwhelmed with school and work and the reality of not having enough to cover my rent. I still owe for June and my rent is due again in July and I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do. My concentration has been off. My moods have been all over the place. Not sleeping. Not digesting properly the food that I am eating which has made me not eat. Cycles blah. I keep telling myself that “You are not your mood. This will pass.” And it does pass. Like being in the ocean and wave after wave is rolling over me. I feel another storm in the distance. I feel tired and afraid and then there will be a respite. Things get clear. I can think a bit. Feel even.

This morning I dropped one of my summer classes. It was a hard decision but the right decision for me. I get my registration date for fall tomorrow and I’m just going to move forward. Fall semester starts, Aug 18th.

Family and Loneliness
One of the things that is adding to my mental discomfort is that I am too alone. It feels unnatural. I have not seen my family in about 5 weeks. My Aunt and Uncle have been doing short weekend trips this summer. I can’t go to their house because my cousin is a bully and controlling and doesn’t want me around because his son is there for the summer. Which is major bs because I’ve spent the past two summers and winter breaks there with his kid, doing art with him, cooking with him, tucking him in at night, trying to teach him independence and not to run my Aunt and Uncle all over the place, behaving like a spoiled prince. While my cousin was out of town working and in town dating a bunch but never really there. Now he’s there because he lost his job and I’ve lost, I feel I’ve lost the ability to be with my family who I love who loves me. The good news is that my Aunt messaged me and said she and my Uncle will visit me this month. Probably the last weekend in July. And we have a family trip to Sacramento for a weekend in early August. So there is that to look forward to.

I am thinking of going in an hour earlier today since I didn’t have class. We start interviewing people next week. My ex-girlfrind/now friend along with another persons who lives on the same property as I do, have interviews on Monday. They both texted me yesterday, all excited. I am 99% sure they’ll get the jobs. I know my ex needs the job but I feel a little..I don’t know, slightly apprehensive about seeing them at work. In my work space. They won’t be working with me directly so much but I’ll interact with them because of scheduling stuff, their availability, changes in shifts, when they put books on hold for customers, need assistance up front. I work in the back of the store in the Customer Service section and we take care of all the customers that the floor people, textbook people, and cashiers, aren’t able to help. We process scholarships, gift cards, all refunds, all book buybacks, veteran benefits, rehabilitation benefits, access cards, and so on. We currently have about 5 or 6 people in CS and we need at least 2 more people for flex, in case of illness or if someone gets other work, or their school schedule and work availability clash or any number of scenarios. And those people need to be trained. That takes time. Overall, for fall we’ll hire about 60 people. We are interviewing and then setting up orientation, getting their paperwork complete and processed, and then training. We are going to stagger all this and that’s why we’re starting with the first bout of interviews next week. 5 more weeks and the bookstore is going to be filled with customers, students, Professors, and a bunch of new employees. Which is good. It’ll be a challenge but it will be good.

So right now, work and my social interaction at work are keeping me going. My Renaissance to Modern Art History class is going well. I skipped class yesterday because I felt too tired and depressed. Dropping the other Art History class was the right choice because I feel more relaxed and like things are more manageable now. Tomorrow morning, the Renaissance class has a museum visit. One of the members of my group picked me up a packet yesterday with all the info I’ll need for tomorrow’s visit. Looking forward to it!

I’m feeling a bit better having written this all out.

Wishing everyone a good day. Happy 1st day of July 2014!

endojé-love unite(s) us


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