Blake Brockington, we speak your name. Thank you for all you’ve done for our community. I wish with everything that you were alive. I’ve cried tears and I’m sure I’ll cry more. Rest In Peace young one. Love, Forever.
My health will be better soon. My mental and physical health will improve. I’ll be able to walk around outside!!! with no pain. I’ll be able to take deep breaths when I’m out in the world, at school, at work. I won’t have to skip out on social things to go home just so I can take my binder off. I won’t have to choose anymore between being hot and uncomfortable in a binder and layered clothing or hot and uncomfortable not binding but in a sweatshirt or jacket to cover the chest I want no one but me and the person I’m dating to see. I won’t feel like I have a weight on my heart/chest or that I can’t breathe.
I started medical transition in 2009. This upcoming Tuesday will be my 5 year T(estosterone) Anniversary! I started binding about 9 or 10 months into transition, (so for over 4 years now), because a co-worker made a comment about my chest and I had a total freak out.
I felt super uncomfortable/exposed/vulnerable/bad.
I remember going to Rite Aid right after work that day and picking up an ace bandage. Ace bandages are a big no no for binding. A quick google search will tell you. I started doing research about binders and took a chance and ordered one. I found one style I liked and have been using them for years. I usually buy 2 or 3 per year in black. I just bought some in March. That may have been the last time! Binding is THE WORST! I feel so much hope and relief right now that there is an end in sight.
Here’s why!: http://transgenderlawcenter.org/archives/10393
Earlier this afternoon, I was riding the bus to the small shopping center near my place. As I was nearing my stop I saw this on my FB newsfeed: Victory! Medicare Ends Discriminatory Exclusions
I unexpectedly started to cry. I was out in public crying for like 15 minutes while I walked over to a friend’s house, who lives near where I was. She gave me and a long hug while I cried some more. She got all teary too.
I am moving forward with things. I have a full physical scheduled in two weeks. I made the appointment back in April. I haven’t had a physical in almost 3 years. Way over due. I’ll ask my new doctor for a referral and go from there.
This means everything to me. Everything.
Thanks to the Transgender Law Center, the American Medical Association, the Endocrine Society, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Family Physicians, and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, and all the people who have worked and fought for us to have the care we need.
Love is Love.
Hate is Hate.
Friendship is Friendship.
Blood is Blood.
Tonight, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and read a status from my cousin that blindside me.
The status: “Transexual shit is outta hand…. if I see any of you niggas thats my peoples wearing girl clothes…. no fakin… ima shoot yo asz.”
“Why? Why the hate? Seriously cousin, my life is populated with transfolk who are my friends and who I love in solidarity for our shared experience in this world of ignorance, violence, discrimination, dehumanization. Too many of my people are killed to let this status slide. If you can’t be an ally, please don’t perpetrate violence against us. Maybe you can just say you don’t want us to be part of your life. You can’t be a friend to one of your people if they are wearing girls clothes. No need to shoot them, possibly ending a life when life is so fucking challenging as is.
My mom hasn’t spoken to me in over 4 years. If I’m at my Aunt’s house she’ll honk the car horn for my Aunt to come out. She hasn’t come to Thanksgiving in 3 years. My cousins miss her. She’s missing out on all the babies growing up. When my grandmother died she had the family come over to her place instead of my Aunt’s house because I was staying with my Aunt and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. It makes me sad but this is how it is. I’m alive only because I transitioned. That’s real. I’m only here because I took steps to make a life for myself that I can live. And I can live with it. And my life is precious. I wouldn’t want someone to kill me because I am who I am.
One other thing, I have one other cousin who this past summer called me “It” repeatedly and said “He ought to beat that thing’s (me) ass. My Aunt and my cousin stepped in and my cousin who stepped in got hurt. The cousin who doesn’t see me as a person anymore is not welcome in my Aunt’s house if he only has words/threats of violence towards me. My point is, I’m your family. Any of your people/niggaz who are transsexual/transgender/cross dressers are people with people who love them. Our lives are valuable and we are here for a reason. If you can’t show compassion, just please don’t harm us.”
I feel upset. Raw. Tense. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Strong.
I wish I could’ve been more eloquent? in my response but it is what it is. My emotions are all over the place and it’s 2 in the morning. I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple days. School stress. I haven’t done any homework this week so far and have finished very little reading. I have until Sunday so it’ll be okay. I’ll get what I need to do done. I’m concerned about my relationship and about money. But there are many positive things happening too. I am surrounded by family that loves me. My Aunt, Uncle, and cousin are people who I spend most of my time with. I am dancing with them, cooking with them, watching movies and tv shows. They bring goodness to my life and I am grateful for them. I get payed tomorrow! Woot!I go back to work next week! I’ll be back in my place this weekend. Home sweet home. I actually have my own space. I am grateful for that.
I don’t really know what to do when confronted with blatant hate and transphobia. Especially when it’s from family members. I want to say that my cousin is not a bad person. So I’ll say it. He is not a bad person at all. He is tenderhearted. He’s a father to a kid who isn’t his biological kid and he is a father to his daughters who he loves and takes care of. He’s an artist and entrepreneur. A guy who loves his mom so much. I’m glad to know him. I love him. I just couldn’t let his status slide. I had to say something. (In the past I’ve had to delete another cousin from my Facebook. That was years ago, during the first year of my transition and she was really disrespect to me). I don’t think I’ll be deleting him. Two of my other cousins liked his status. That makes me sad too. But I’ve done what I could. I’ve said what I needed to say and I feel good about that. I feel a lot of things (so much) and surprisingly one of the things I feel is strong. Justified. Loving. I love myself and I love that I found the courage to transition. And I love all the folks who are non-traditional in their experiences, and with their gender presentation(s) and expression(s).
I’m not particularly active in the Trans community here in San Diego. I was more active early on in transition but I knew and told my friends that one day I wouldn’t be around as much. My life isn’t all about being trans. My main identity right now is student. My other primary identities/realities are friend and family member. The way I show my solidarity with the Trans community is simple. My advocacy is simple (not easy) and doable for me. I’m out in my day to day life. I’m an ally to myself and others. If transphobic stuff is said around me I speak up. I do panels at my school and other local Universities, such as UCSD and SDSU. I will out myself when I feel it is necessary. It is important to me for people to know that they do know someone who is trans. We’re not an abstract. I am a living, breathing human being, a child of love and light, with dreams, desires, and issues that go along with being alive on this planet at this time. All I’m saying is that I want people to know that we’re people too. We have feelings and we have a right to live our lives without the threat and reality of the violence and hatred that plagues our community.