So Fucked

I’m so fucked up right now. i’m hurting. I’m angry. A guy I don’t know really but who friended me on FB a couple weeks ago had a suicidal meltdown on FB today. His status:

If I wake up one more day and don’t remember what happened or having to apologize for shit I don’t remember. I am single. I had chance after chance after fucking chance to change. I am so over this life.

I read this earlier in the afternoon and I thought he was being dramatic or something. He’s been posting pictures of music stuff and trips he’s planning to take, been interacting with guys from a FB group that we are all in.  I messaged with him when he first friended me, maybe 3 exchanges back and forth. I didn’t follow up with him for a lot of reasons. The main one was that his life was fast and looked fun for him but not for me. He’s one of those out there guys. Out in the world. Burning bright. He seemed to me the consuming type. I also haven’t really thought much about him to be honest. When I saw the status I was annoyed and I asked my friend sitting next to me should I unfriend him and then I thought I can’t do that, maybe I’ll just unfollow him. But I didn’t. I thought I’d give it a day.

Later, maybe 4 hours later, I was on my break and checking my FB and I saw over a 100 comments from that post. Turns out he had taken 90 klonopin. He had been drinking heavily the night before and he was talking about taking more drugs. He was in Long Beach and going to take the bus back to where he lives which is in northern California not to far from Oregon. A 9 hour drive and maybe a 12-14 hour bus ride. Of course people were concerned and started trying to see where he was. He said goodbye to his mother. He posted a bunch of pictures of himself and was basically checking out. He doesn’t want to live. Nothing to live for. Ashamed. He fucked up. So many people were trying to talk to him. Someone reported his post, some people called the police, the bus station. Apparently the bus has been pulled over twice now and is 2 hours behind schedule. The police have meet up with him. They’ve asked him questions. He tells them that he’s fine. He’s okay. He’s meeting some people when he gets back to his city. No way will he say he’s suicidal. No way. And I understand that.


This is the only comment I contributed:

Please, can someone pick him up and take him to the hospital that he wants to go to around where he lives? I’d hate to be stuck in a hospital in some random city without anyone I know around.

He “liked” the comment. He’s still alive. I think he’ll be okay. I hope.

The thing is, this morning a good friend of mine posted on his FB that his friend, Bunny, took her life this morning. I expressed my condolences to my friend and added,
“Rest in peace, Bunny” And then this other thing happened. And for me, it is too much.

Emotionally overwhelmed, I am. Tired I am. All I want to do is curl up but I don’t want to sleep. I’ve done many things to make myself feel better tonight. I’ve been on FB, scanning my news feed, making comments, posting. I took some pictures with my camera phone on the way home from work. I wrote a little, briefly messaged with the man I like. And I think most importantly, I wrote my gratitude for the day. I write a gratitude list most everyday so I can look for the good, acknowledge what is working in my life, and just, you know, be thankful. Right now, I have Hunger Games: Catching Fire playing in the background. And writing this has made me feel… less upset.

Here’s my gratitude:
1) The Potterverse for comfort/ease of mind, specifically tonight, Harry Potter HBP (audio book read by Stephen Fry) and DH Pt.1 (dvd)
2) catching up with many many co-workers today. Some of whom I hadn’t seen in more than two weeks
3) resilience
4) knowing my limit
5) Pooh
6) True, honest, caring, friends

*Please, if anyone reading this is thinking about harming themselves and/or taking their lives, there is help. Reach out to someone. Here’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Please call if you are someone you know needs help.


The truth is, I have about 3 dollars right now. That’s it. That’s all. Right now I have -4.62 in my checking account because my phone insurance that I canceled still charged me for this month. The good thing is that I just got off the phone with them and they’ll reverse the charges. Hopefully today or tomorrow so I won’t be charged overdraft fees. This morning I have an interview to get Cal Fresh. Here in California Cal Fresh is Food Stamps.

Currently, I have oatmeal in the cupboard, a can of beans, a can of tomato soup, 6 things of Chicken Flavored Top Ramen, a box of macaroni, two cans of tuna. In the fridge I have salad dressing, eggs, and an 8 0z of low fat milk, and butter. One of the benefits of getting my tooth pulled last week is that I’ve eaten very little!

I had taken out a $3000 loan at the beginning of the semester for survival purposes. I live well below the poverty line. Like so low it’s not necessary that I file for taxes. My part-time job at the bookstore pays my bills. The loan payed my other living expenses, rent, toiletries, food, and so on. The bookstore is slowing up for the summer. Maybe 10 hours a week are available. Maybe less. I have a job opportunity working on the grounds of the school, taking out trash and recycling, cleaning bathrooms. Basically like a janitor. It doesn’t start to July though. I also have a tentative opportunity to work at a day care but this doesn’t start until the end of June. They both require me to get background checks. And to get the daycare job I need to be CPR certified. So yeh, I need money to do both.

But right now..this moment I have food to eat and a roof over my head.


I had my Bio lab final last night. I did okay. I think I got a B on it. It was all short answer! Why??!! It’s been awhile since I took a test I had to write all the answers to. Oh, there were two multiple choice questions. I got those right 🙂

Tomorrow is my Bio final. I feel about 70% prepared for that. I have 30 more pages to read and then I start an intense review. 50 questions are based on the last 4 chapters we’ve covered in class. The sections are Natural Selection, Population growth and flux, The Animal Kingdom, Invertebrates and Vertebrates. For some reason Vertebrates are giving me a hard time. I’d of thought that one would be easier. I think my brain is just tired.

My tooth socket is still healing. I had to take medication on Monday afternoon because it was hurting. This morning it feels okay. I seem to be fighting a cold. I can’t wait to sleep properly. Hopefully I’ll sleep for the majority of Friday. That would be nice!

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My Graduation/Birthday was fun. I ended up shaving and cutting my hair that morning. When my Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and friend picked me up I wasn’t feeling that well. I honestly think the antibiotics were making me feel not so good. Anyways, I started feeling a bit better once we got to the Pavillion where they were holding graduation. The energy of the people around me helped quite a bit! There were about 478 graduates present and over 1500 people earned degrees this semester out of my Community College (not every one chose to walk). All the names of the people present were read, this begin at about 5pm. Before that we had about 6 speakers. Most of the speakers were interesting.

One of the speakers called out people, like she asked the oldest graduate to stand and everyone clapped, there were siblings who were graduating at the same time, she called them to stand, all our graduating veterans, she called all the people who were first to graduate in their family to stand. I didn’t stand. I am the 5th person to graduate on my mom’s side of the family and the 4th person on my dad’s side. In my immediate family I am the 1st. A highlight/surprise of the day was that an abbreviated description of my college journey at Mesa was talked about and it was announced that it was also my 36th birthday 🙂 and I was asked to stand. I was totally shocked. Everyone was clapping. Because I wasn’t expecting it I stood up real quick, felt embarrassed and set down real quick. It was like 2 seconds. ha ha. Up and then down. But I’ll never forget it!

When I went up to get my diploma, the reader said my name wrong. She stumbled over my middle name, which I had written out phonetically too, like I was told, and she totally mispronounced my first name, Evan. Which is a simple name to me. She said Even (like a long E). It’s a short e (eh-vin) So that was like, not so good. But I thought whatever. I know my name. I got to walk across that stage and shake the President of our Community Colleges, hand. There was only one speaker I didn’t care for much but overall the ceremony was good. It ran a bit long, 30 minutes after the intended time.

When it was over, I met up with my family. Another Aunt and Uncle came, with 2 of my cousins. They are all grown up and beautiful young women. The 24 years old graduated a couple of years ago from a UC school and the 20 year old graduates next month from Culinary Arts school. I was able to meet up with another friend of mine who came. She had her two little kids with her. I took 3 classes with her over the years at Mesa and I’m glad she could make it. One of my other friends I wasn’t able to meet up with. We didn’t make proper plans and it was a madhouse. Also, my Uncle had made dinner reservations for 7p. He had made them back in March so we had to boogie.

The place we ate at was nice but I couldn’t really eat because of my extraction. I had like a couple bites of my food, tiny pieces of cut up bread. A few sips of my soup. I brought my food home. I had ordered shrimp and scallop fettuccine alfredo as my main dish. I ended up eating it for lunch and dinner on Sunday night and breakfast on Monday morning. So good. My Aunt was so funny and wouldn’t let me take off my graduation gear. She finally conceded to letting me take off my cap. ha ha. I loved how happy and excited she was. At some point the waitress was told it was my birthday. She bought over a piece of cheesecake and sang to me. I had a a few bites and everyone ate from it except my cousin who doesn’t like cheesecake.

I had a great day. Didn’t want it to end really. Didn’t want to come home to my empty place. I ended up talking with one of the people who lives in the second house on the property (I live in a shed type room in the back of the 2nd house). Anyways, we talked for like an hour and then I went to my room and settled in for the night.

Gifts: My Aunt and Uncle payed my cell phone bill which was very overdue. My other Aunt gave me a gift card for Cheesecake Factory. My friend gave me two stuffed animals, a little elephant I named Preston and a little zebra I named Zolo. A co-worker bought me a drawing pad. I received a few cards. I had many FB messages wishing me congratulations and happy birthday. Many people are proud of me and I am proud of me too.

All in all, it’s a day I hope to always remember.


Battlestar Galactica-during study breaks
Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows)-during study breaks
My job