So Fucked

I’m so fucked up right now. i’m hurting. I’m angry. A guy I don’t know really but who friended me on FB a couple weeks ago had a suicidal meltdown on FB today. His status:

If I wake up one more day and don’t remember what happened or having to apologize for shit I don’t remember. I am single. I had chance after chance after fucking chance to change. I am so over this life.

I read this earlier in the afternoon and I thought he was being dramatic or something. He’s been posting pictures of music stuff and trips he’s planning to take, been interacting with guys from a FB group that we are all in.  I messaged with him when he first friended me, maybe 3 exchanges back and forth. I didn’t follow up with him for a lot of reasons. The main one was that his life was fast and looked fun for him but not for me. He’s one of those out there guys. Out in the world. Burning bright. He seemed to me the consuming type. I also haven’t really thought much about him to be honest. When I saw the status I was annoyed and I asked my friend sitting next to me should I unfriend him and then I thought I can’t do that, maybe I’ll just unfollow him. But I didn’t. I thought I’d give it a day.

Later, maybe 4 hours later, I was on my break and checking my FB and I saw over a 100 comments from that post. Turns out he had taken 90 klonopin. He had been drinking heavily the night before and he was talking about taking more drugs. He was in Long Beach and going to take the bus back to where he lives which is in northern California not to far from Oregon. A 9 hour drive and maybe a 12-14 hour bus ride. Of course people were concerned and started trying to see where he was. He said goodbye to his mother. He posted a bunch of pictures of himself and was basically checking out. He doesn’t want to live. Nothing to live for. Ashamed. He fucked up. So many people were trying to talk to him. Someone reported his post, some people called the police, the bus station. Apparently the bus has been pulled over twice now and is 2 hours behind schedule. The police have meet up with him. They’ve asked him questions. He tells them that he’s fine. He’s okay. He’s meeting some people when he gets back to his city. No way will he say he’s suicidal. No way. And I understand that.


This is the only comment I contributed:

Please, can someone pick him up and take him to the hospital that he wants to go to around where he lives? I’d hate to be stuck in a hospital in some random city without anyone I know around.

He “liked” the comment. He’s still alive. I think he’ll be okay. I hope.

The thing is, this morning a good friend of mine posted on his FB that his friend, Bunny, took her life this morning. I expressed my condolences to my friend and added,
“Rest in peace, Bunny” And then this other thing happened. And for me, it is too much.

Emotionally overwhelmed, I am. Tired I am. All I want to do is curl up but I don’t want to sleep. I’ve done many things to make myself feel better tonight. I’ve been on FB, scanning my news feed, making comments, posting. I took some pictures with my camera phone on the way home from work. I wrote a little, briefly messaged with the man I like. And I think most importantly, I wrote my gratitude for the day. I write a gratitude list most everyday so I can look for the good, acknowledge what is working in my life, and just, you know, be thankful. Right now, I have Hunger Games: Catching Fire playing in the background. And writing this has made me feel… less upset.

Here’s my gratitude:
1) The Potterverse for comfort/ease of mind, specifically tonight, Harry Potter HBP (audio book read by Stephen Fry) and DH Pt.1 (dvd)
2) catching up with many many co-workers today. Some of whom I hadn’t seen in more than two weeks
3) resilience
4) knowing my limit
5) Pooh
6) True, honest, caring, friends

*Please, if anyone reading this is thinking about harming themselves and/or taking their lives, there is help. Reach out to someone. Here’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Please call if you are someone you know needs help.

I am grateful


1) a mini-marathon of the latter part of S4 of Battlestar Galactica (playing in the background)
2) making a list of things I need to do so in an effort to reduce the stress of having to remember and getting overwhelmed from all that needs to be done
3) My Uncle for giving me a ride to the pharmacy
4 ) Regaining my health. Didn’t spend all day in bed!
5) My Aunt for making us brownies. I only had a little bit. My appetite is not that great today
6) chatting with a new friend
7) all the technology that helps us communicate and connect with each other