Man In The Mirror: Lift Me Up

“Lift me up slowly, carry me boldly, show me you care.” -Will You Be There? -Michael Jackson

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways.” -Michael Jackson

It’s been an interesting couple days. Interesting in good ways. I am feeling better. Capable of dealing with my life and making changes that will bring about good things to my life.

Last night I went over to my gf’s house. I stayed over at hers on Tuesday night too. There were four of us hanging out and two of us stayed over. Her new friend put Voxer on my phone. It’s a cool little app. I’ve been using it a bit here and there for the last couple days. It’s sort of like texting but it’s voice messages. You can send texts and pictures too. It’s a little weird because..well I guess it’s because it’s new to me. It’s like talking but not because it’s not in real time. It’s a bit delayed and some messages sit because we aren’t getting notifications. If I am looking on my phone I can see that someone is talking but it doesn’t tell me if I missed a message. I have to check out the settings.

Any old way, last night I went over to the gf’s. We haven’t been alone together in a week. I was feeling tired and like I needed to sleep in a bed. I’ve been sleeping on the floor in my friend’s small bedroom for the past 5 days prior to going over to the gf’s house. So, I was feeling like I wanted/needed to write and I wanted to relax. I asked her if I could come over but told her I needed a friend not a lover. I didn’t want her to jump all over me when I walked through the door. I needed to get my thoughts together and down on paper. I needed to take my binder off and sit on something soft and be in a peaceful, familiar setting. She said I could come over. I wrote and listened to music (my Dixie Chick’s playlist on Spotify) and wrote and wrote. I felt good. I set my alarm for 2330, 0030 and 0130. I got there a little after 2200. I set the alarm for every hour just so I could keep track of time. I usually go to bed around 2am so I wanted to give myself time to wind down. She listened to music and facebooked while I wrote. She fell asleep. I stopped writing a little bit before 0100 and I felt good. It made a big difference. It’s hard to describe. I haven’t been handwriting my journals recently. I think I did a couple entries during Spring Break but there was a time in my life where I wrote every single day. So, I felt better and more clear. I showered and cleared off the bed. I woke her up, (she was on the couch) and guided her to the bed.

I slept well but slept little. When I woke up I wrote some more. I can see some changes that I can make. I want to focus on my diet and my breathing. I want to drink more water. I think drinking water is essential for me right now. I want to eat more fruit. Most importantly I want to let go of fear. I’ve been so scared and so uncertain about so many things. I’ve been down on myself because I am in the situation I am in and I’m about to be 34. I’ve been looking at myself differently. Like some kind of loser or like I should be further along in life. After all the writing I’ve done I’ve been able to look at myself in a new way. With a more friend-like perspective. I’ve made choices and the choices have led me to where I am. Not having my own place, my own room, my own bed is not good but there are still many good things.

I am thankful
for the awesome weather we had today. I am thankful for the blue blue sky.
I am thankful for the friend that I am staying with. He makes me feel welcome and even though it’s a small sleeping space, I’m comfortable and feel safe because he is welcoming and generous. He said I could stay as long as I needed. My financial aid is coming any day now so I’ll have the money to rent a room for May. I just have to find one.
I am thankful
for being able to meet and talk with a friend whose going through some issues regarding her recent breakup.
I am thankful for my Personal Growth class, Professor and classmates. Good discussions about Communication, disclosure and feedback. I wasn’t able to do my hw. I haven’t been able to really concentrate properly but I go to class and participate and he likes me. He said it was no problem for me to turn it in next week.
I am thankful
for the piano practice rooms and for being able to play music. Practice has been good this week. I’m working with a metronome which is different. I found a good app on my phone. For some reason I couldn’t find my metronome this week. It’s usually in my backback or locker. I am learning Set Fire To the Third Bar by Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriter/performers and it’s one of my favorite songs.

I am thankful for the many people in my life. In one of the books for my Personal Growth class it was saying that life is relational. Good relationships make up a good life. I am fortunate to be surrounded by such good people. I also have made choices to surround myself with people who are supportive and uplifting and encouraging. Yay!

I am thankful for the netbook my Aunt gave me. I’ve been using it more and more.
I am thankful for water.
I am thankful for money.
I am thankful for making different choices in my life.
I am thankful for my Self.
I am thankful for music. I am listening to my Alicia Keys playlist now. That’s How Strong My Love Is.
I am thankful for Michael Jackson and his music and all the love he put in it. It’s full of goodness. Earlier I was listening to Michael Jackson. Will You Be There?, Man In the Mirror, Heal The World, and young Michael from back in the Jackson 5 days. He is such an original. When I hear others try to sing his stuff it always makes me want to go back to The Source and here it for real, for real ;D

Love Needs Expression

The past few days I’ve been hearing MJ’s voice sing, “love needs expression..” the rest of the lyrics are..”but I’ve learned too late.” (She’s Out Of My Life)

It’s not too late.

Work is love made visible.-Kahlil Gibran
and the inverse
Love is work made visible is true for me as well. At this time, these are words for me to live in harmony and accordance with.

I know that I am different. Different doesn’t mean deficit nor does it mean superiority. I am me. I am my Self. No worse or better than anyone else. And no one is better or worse than me. There are differences in behavior (actions), attention, what we pay attention (energy) to or give attention to. There are differences in interests, experiences, and perceptions. There is the universal truth that we are one. One. Uni. Whole. The Universe. One Song. Yet, there is also the individual. The individual and the collective.

The One and The Many making one.
The One and The Many equaling one.

For me, this means that for every one, there’s more than one. There is a necessity to recognize and live the reality of this.

We all spark from the same source. And source for me is Love & Light.

Love + Light = Life

Love + Intelligence = Life

Illuminated Love is life to me. Is who I am and who I want to be. Love needs expression and I have not learned this too late. Something in me is sending a constant reminder, like an ever persistent alarm clock. Wake up! Wake up! Get to work! Do the work you have inside you. Put your work and self out in the world. Now. Love needs expression. Now. Now! And always tied in with that is Kahlil Gibran’s “Work is love made visible.” and the inverse

Love is work made visible. This writing now, is a part of the work that I do. Thank you for reading. A reader makes a writer complete. Whenever I get a compliment on the writing or a comment, it encourages me. Thanks to those who do.

Early Saturday (11Sept24) morning I put a donation button on this blog after much back and forth in my mind about it. I like to do things on my own. But..I am not an island on to myself. I ultimately decided to put the button on here because at this time I could use financial assistance. I know and trust that I will use whatever is donated in ways that support me and the work that I do now that will manifest in future. No amount is too small, just as in waking, walking life, there is no such thing as a small act of kindness. If you have questions about the work I am doing, please feel free to email me at positive.eblog@gmail.com

Thanks to all who donate. Thanks to all who have helped me in the past. It is much appreciated. More than words can express. Thanks to all who support me in the many many ways that have nothing to do with dollars and cents and 1’s and 0’s.

endojé-love unite(s) us

Evan