Feeling Sky and Dark Blue

I’ve in the midst of change while in the midst of stressful school work. I feel a sense of hopefulness mixed with a feeling of fear. I’m afraid I’ll not be able to get done what I need to get done in the time I have to get it done.

I’ve been writing so much in the past two weeks between my Personal Growth class my English 205 Critical Thinking and Composition class, both of which are short term 8 week courses. I’ve written on average 3000 + words a week. I’m reading and writing so much my eyes have been hurting and super tired. I’m learning what works best for me when I have loads of homework. I work best at night. I need to sleep too and the problem the week before last is that I was hardly sleeping

    and

trying to do homework during the day. If I work after the sun goes down for 5 or 6 hours I get loads more work done than if I try to do homework during the day.

In my English 205 class we’ve been reading and writing about bullshit and truth. To be more specific we’ve read two books by Harry G. Frankfurt, one called On Bullshit and one called http://www.amazon.com/On-Truth-Harry-G-Frankfurt/dp/030726422X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y. My teacher just sent me an email about homework in response to On Truth, that said, “Very fine response to Frankfurt.” Woot!! That made me feel good. We are also reading and doing exercises out of a book called, “Style, The Basics of Clarity and Grace” by Joseph M. Williams and Gregory G. Colomb. I think this book will help me tremendously.

My Personal Growth class is going well. Last week we were studying personality and the majority of our exercises had to do with really exploring our personalities and finding out what jobs may be best for us. I took an assessment and my result: INFP. It’s interesting. I’ve taken a few tests like this before and I consistently test as an INFP. I’ve been looking around the web at what it says about INFP’s and specifically about what careers seem to attract us most. Tomorrow night’s lecture in Psychology is on Personality. My Professor last week told me that she thought I was an ENFP. The I in INFP is for introvert. The E in ENFP is extrovert. My gf thinks I’m balanced between I and E with a leaning a little more towards being an Introvert. It depends on the situation. Anyone who is in any of my classes would peg me as an extrovert because I participate, share my opinions, and ask questions. The assessment of my personality is not a for sure thing. It picks the type based on my answers and really just shows the type most fitting to me based on my over all preferences, attitudes, and behaviors.

The best thing that happened to me during the past week is that I am more hopeful about my future. I’ve chosen a major. It’ll be a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology. My school of choice is UCSD. I’ll apply in the fall and as long as I maintain my g.p.a. I’ll do the Honors version of the degree. I’ve been thinking about what I’d major in for months and months. I woke up one morning with this in mind and felt a sense of relief. I’m happy about it. Now all I need to do is to continue going to my classes, doing my hw, and doing my best on what the classes require.

Man In The Mirror: Lift Me Up

“Lift me up slowly, carry me boldly, show me you care.” -Will You Be There? -Michael Jackson

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways.” -Michael Jackson

It’s been an interesting couple days. Interesting in good ways. I am feeling better. Capable of dealing with my life and making changes that will bring about good things to my life.

Last night I went over to my gf’s house. I stayed over at hers on Tuesday night too. There were four of us hanging out and two of us stayed over. Her new friend put Voxer on my phone. It’s a cool little app. I’ve been using it a bit here and there for the last couple days. It’s sort of like texting but it’s voice messages. You can send texts and pictures too. It’s a little weird because..well I guess it’s because it’s new to me. It’s like talking but not because it’s not in real time. It’s a bit delayed and some messages sit because we aren’t getting notifications. If I am looking on my phone I can see that someone is talking but it doesn’t tell me if I missed a message. I have to check out the settings.

Any old way, last night I went over to the gf’s. We haven’t been alone together in a week. I was feeling tired and like I needed to sleep in a bed. I’ve been sleeping on the floor in my friend’s small bedroom for the past 5 days prior to going over to the gf’s house. So, I was feeling like I wanted/needed to write and I wanted to relax. I asked her if I could come over but told her I needed a friend not a lover. I didn’t want her to jump all over me when I walked through the door. I needed to get my thoughts together and down on paper. I needed to take my binder off and sit on something soft and be in a peaceful, familiar setting. She said I could come over. I wrote and listened to music (my Dixie Chick’s playlist on Spotify) and wrote and wrote. I felt good. I set my alarm for 2330, 0030 and 0130. I got there a little after 2200. I set the alarm for every hour just so I could keep track of time. I usually go to bed around 2am so I wanted to give myself time to wind down. She listened to music and facebooked while I wrote. She fell asleep. I stopped writing a little bit before 0100 and I felt good. It made a big difference. It’s hard to describe. I haven’t been handwriting my journals recently. I think I did a couple entries during Spring Break but there was a time in my life where I wrote every single day. So, I felt better and more clear. I showered and cleared off the bed. I woke her up, (she was on the couch) and guided her to the bed.

I slept well but slept little. When I woke up I wrote some more. I can see some changes that I can make. I want to focus on my diet and my breathing. I want to drink more water. I think drinking water is essential for me right now. I want to eat more fruit. Most importantly I want to let go of fear. I’ve been so scared and so uncertain about so many things. I’ve been down on myself because I am in the situation I am in and I’m about to be 34. I’ve been looking at myself differently. Like some kind of loser or like I should be further along in life. After all the writing I’ve done I’ve been able to look at myself in a new way. With a more friend-like perspective. I’ve made choices and the choices have led me to where I am. Not having my own place, my own room, my own bed is not good but there are still many good things.

I am thankful
for the awesome weather we had today. I am thankful for the blue blue sky.
I am thankful for the friend that I am staying with. He makes me feel welcome and even though it’s a small sleeping space, I’m comfortable and feel safe because he is welcoming and generous. He said I could stay as long as I needed. My financial aid is coming any day now so I’ll have the money to rent a room for May. I just have to find one.
I am thankful
for being able to meet and talk with a friend whose going through some issues regarding her recent breakup.
I am thankful for my Personal Growth class, Professor and classmates. Good discussions about Communication, disclosure and feedback. I wasn’t able to do my hw. I haven’t been able to really concentrate properly but I go to class and participate and he likes me. He said it was no problem for me to turn it in next week.
I am thankful
for the piano practice rooms and for being able to play music. Practice has been good this week. I’m working with a metronome which is different. I found a good app on my phone. For some reason I couldn’t find my metronome this week. It’s usually in my backback or locker. I am learning Set Fire To the Third Bar by Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright. She is one of my favorite singer/songwriter/performers and it’s one of my favorite songs.

I am thankful for the many people in my life. In one of the books for my Personal Growth class it was saying that life is relational. Good relationships make up a good life. I am fortunate to be surrounded by such good people. I also have made choices to surround myself with people who are supportive and uplifting and encouraging. Yay!

I am thankful for the netbook my Aunt gave me. I’ve been using it more and more.
I am thankful for water.
I am thankful for money.
I am thankful for making different choices in my life.
I am thankful for my Self.
I am thankful for music. I am listening to my Alicia Keys playlist now. That’s How Strong My Love Is.
I am thankful for Michael Jackson and his music and all the love he put in it. It’s full of goodness. Earlier I was listening to Michael Jackson. Will You Be There?, Man In the Mirror, Heal The World, and young Michael from back in the Jackson 5 days. He is such an original. When I hear others try to sing his stuff it always makes me want to go back to The Source and here it for real, for real ;D