Passion, Anger, and Relationship Stuff

I’ve been pissed off for the past couple hours on and off.

My gf and I just had a talk where I started off pissed off but settled down and where she ended up crying. We were supposed to be meeting to make dinner and we decided to stil meet up, despite our talk because we haven’t seen each other in a couple days and we both need to it eat. We just put the food in the oven but things are still tense.

When we walk anywhere we usually hold hands. We were walking to the store and I went to hold hands and she had this limp hand. Like I was holding her hand but she wasn’t really holding mine. I gently squeezed, “hey, we’re okay”. But no, I get a limp hand. And my feelings were hurt. Well,I said what I needed to say. All of it true. All the stuff I’ve said before and I’m tired of having this conversation. I just want her to take care of herself and be responsible for herself. I only have a little bit of money to get me through the rest of the month. We’re both students and we’re both on a budget. She usually spends her money fast (rent, cell phone, utilities) and she’s been paying people back money she owes them, including me, so she’s out of money. She’s doing the best she can and I know that we all are but I’m tired of this.

The other day she had a headache. She gets headaches when she’s dehydrated and stressed. I’d been buying her things to drink and I gave her the last of my tea. Later she reached for my water and it was less than half a bottle and I was thirsty and I said no. I didn’t have any water at home and I didn’t have any money. I texted her roommate to ask him if he could give her a couple of bucks for food and something to drink without her knowing that I asked. He managed to do it 🙂 The point is, she says that it was a stress headache and I’m sure it was but it was also due to dehydration and not eating and not having money for her basic physical needs.

So, what got things started today was earlier, when we were talking about making dinner, I told her if there was no dishsoap I wasn’t going to do the dishes. We have a rule we usually go by, that whoever cooks does the dishes. Recently we both have been cooking a portion of the meal and I’ve been doing the dishes. There’s very little dishwashing liquid. She hadn’t done any dishes in the past few days but I didn’t know that. I thought that the dishsoap was gone but it’s not. There’s no handsoap and there’s no toilet paper here either. I decided in February that I wouldn’t buy anymore toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent, hand soap for this house. I can’t support two houses. There are 3 adults who live here for fuck’s sake. The only reason I’ve been buying all that stuff on and off for almost a year is because I care about it. I want to use toilet paper to clean myself up after i use the bathroom and I want to wash my hands afterwards and before I eat or anytime I want my hands clean, you know? They obviously don’t care as much as I do and so I decided to carry my own little soap and always have napkins just in case I need to use the bathroom here when there’s no toilet paper. This seems really ridiculous as I type this and that’s another reason why I got pissed off. This is a stupid waste of energy. Blah!

Then I told her I think she needs help. Either a counselor at school, for academic planning (she just dropped a class and has C’s or low B’s in her other two classes), or carrer planning counselor to help her with her resume and job search, or a psychologist. I feel that there is something not right with her. She says she wants to be a nurse but doesn’t study, focus, or do well in her classes. She hangs out, watches TV, plays video games etc. Fine. It’s her life. She says she doesn’t like not having money, doesn’t want to ask people for money, is embarrassed because people pay for her to eat, embarrassed because she has holes in almost all her pants and some undergarments, socks, and she needs shoes and so on. She didn’t say any of this until today when we talked. She cried and said that’s why she doesn’t ever talk about it. I don’t think not talking about it is helping. She doesn’t think talking about it will help. I told her that I’m pissed because I’m tired of looking at her and seeing her do without and I’m pissed off because I can’t help her any more than I have. I’ve spent more money on her than I want to think about and no, she rarely asks for anything but how can I sit by and not help. So I’m pissed off because I care so much and that sucks. She says she’s tired of being broke but I don’t see her looking for work. She says she’s put in applications but no one calls back, I asked her where did she apply and she told me. I should have asked when.

But this isn’t pick on your girlfriend day. I’m done with this vent. It’s Saturday. It’s my only designated day off. I go back to doing homework tonight and I need to let this go. I’ve said what I needed to. She’s said what she needed to say to me. And she has her life to live and I have mine. Is this trouble for us? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m not at all at break up point but I’m definitely in the mind set of stepping back and minding my own business. I like to be supportive and helpful in my relationships and I don’t really know what else I can do here. I’m going to focus on my stuff. School, health, trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself as far as money goes, especially this summer. And what I need to do to improve my life.

More on school and career aspiration in another post.

Ta for now. Happy Saturday! And thanks for reading.

Another Place

A friend picked me up from school tonight, a little after 10p. We drove to my gf’s place to pick up my stuff. My stuff: a small canvas backpack, a small tote bag mostly filled with dirty clothes from this week, a small duffel bag full of my school books, and a larger duffel bag filled with my clothes and grooming stuff. My friend has a room in a 6 bedroom house. It’s a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I’m staying in his room tonight.I’m sleeping on a comfy duvet. He’ll introduce me to the woman who owns the house tomorrow and maybe I’ll be able to sleep on the couch for the duration of my stay here. Which may be just a couple nights. He’s trying to find another place for me that has more space and privacy. By next weekend or the week after I should have my financial aid and I’ll be able to rent a room for May and maybe June and if I get the deposit back from my old place I’ll be able to rent a room for June and maybe July.

Yesterday, I went to my old clinic and asked to be put on the waiting list for a therapist. I decided that I want to talk to a therapist and get an official diagnosis for gender identity disorder. I started my medical transition at a clinic that allows a person to start without a therapist letter. It’s an informed consent clinic. There are clinics in Los Angeles and San Francisco too and I’m sure New York and other major cities. Informed consent is saying that I’m an adult and I understand what I’m doing with my body. I chose the informed consent route because I didn’t want anyone therapist acting as a gatekeeper to such an important, personal, completely life altering/affirming decision. To start my transition at the clinic, I had to have an interview and a full physical work up, blood work, papsmear. They want to make sure you’re healthy enough to take the hormones and also establish a baseline so they can monitor what’s going on in future. During this time, I found out I had a heart murmur. To get the prescription I had to write a 5 year life plan. I got the script a couple months after I had started going to the clinic and I started injecting testosterone on June 3rd 2009.

Last fall when I was going through a hard time it was all transition related. I am estranged from my parents. My only sibling and I are just recently starting to reconnect, I’ve been dealing with poverty. If I can’t afford the dentist, clothes, eye exams, food, an apartment, how can I even think about surgery (chest reconstructive surgery)? I’m just so absolutely over wearing a binder. A binder is what I used to flatten my chest so it appears male looking. It restricts my breathing and cuts off blood flow to my arms and fingers. I’m out all day usually and last fall I didn’t want to go to school or leave the house really because I didn’t want to put on the binder. Recently I’ve been bringing a baggy sweat shirt and a button down shirt and taking off the binder when the sun goes down. Most people are gone and the people who are still on campus are not paying any attention to me. I mostly stay in the computer lab until the library closes or in the piano practice rooms.

I’ve really gone off on a tangent here. Back to the Gender Identity Disorder diagnosis. My being a transsexaul and my transition is affecting my physical and mental health. My self esteem and confidence are affected. My main worries before starting transition were whether or not anyone would ever love me and if I could support myself through transition. That’s one of the reasons I went back to school. So as to get an education with the hopes that I’d be able to find work in a field of interest that fills a social need and I’d be able to financially take care of myself. If I hadn’t transitioned I wouldn’t be alive today. Period. I had done all I could to try to live the life I lived before and I just couldn’t anymore. Even with the mess that goes along with being trans and queer in this society, it’s been worth it because ever since I started T..well it feels like bonus life. But last fall, especially last fall, and sometimes now, I find myself thinking, “I can’t afford to live.” I can’t afford life. It’s a false thought. Obviously false. Because I’m here, Dear ___ I’m here. I have learned to live off of so little. It’s truly amazing. But I want to live better. I want to be healthier. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 4 months. Stress eating. Junk eating. Late night eating. Wanting to have something to hold me here. Hold me down. Wanting to be solid and heavy and here and present. But my nature, my inner nature is light and spacey and free, and joy filled. I don’t want to be afraid like I’ve been afraid this week. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

Not having a place is scary. Being dependent on other people’s kindness/charity is too. I’m trying to find the lesson in this so as not to repeat myself. It’s hard to think properly though because I’m in it and life keeps on happening. I’ve made it through the week. Almost. I’ve gone to all my classes. I didn’t turn in a paper in one of them but my teacher said I could turn it in late. I have a test tomorrow in Astronomy. It’s the 2nd of 3 tests for the semester. There’s a lot of material. I’m about 60% prepared for it. But it’s not for another 11 hours. If I get a couple more hours in I’ll be fine. I can pull off a B at least. I’m hoping. For the first test I missed 3 and I set the curve so I have 100% in the class. All my homework I’ve gotten A’s and attendance is 12% of our grade and I haven’t missed a class.

School is my lifeline right now. If ever I am a teacher, I’ll be more than aware that sometimes for some students, school is the safest, most caring, place they know and my awareness will dictate my behavior. One of the things that comes out of hardships is the compassion that is developed for others and one’s Self.

Gratitude:
School.
My friend for picking me up and letting me stay in his room with him and offering to help me find a place for next week.
My gf for having let me stay at her place for the past 6 days and her friend who said I could stay at her and her mom’s place if I need to.
The netbook that I’m typing on that my Aunt gave me. I don’t know if I mentioned this but my cousin bought my Aunt a new laptop and she gave me her old netbook which she didn’t like. It’s been sitting in her closet for almost 5 months and now it’s mine. I’m really digging it. My computer is 8 years old and has been chilling in my friend’s shed along with my printer since April 1st.
I am thankful for the blue sky and being able to lay on the grass this afternoon and study and nap for 35 minutes.
I am thankful for the good times my gf and I share, especially the conversation we had this morning and early afternoon on a wide range of topics.
I am thankful for our physical chemistry/relationship too.
I am thankful to the actors and creators of Switched At Birth. I watched one and a half episodes tonight while taking two online quizzes for my music class. It’s a great show and really comforting. I’ve been signing more! because of it. I have 2 and half more episodes of Season 1 and then I’ll be scouring the earth or waiting very patiently for the Season 2 DVD release.
I am thankful for my class tonight. We were talking about communication and how to be an effective communicator. Our professor let us out an hour and a half early because he needed to catch a train to go to a conference tomorrow. Being let out of class early is what enabled me to watch/listen to Switched At Birth tonight.
I am grateful for MTS (bus/trolley system) for getting me around.
I am grateful for my inner resilience.
I am grateful for Spotify and my Glee playlist.
I am thankful for my relationship with a friend who lives near “where Dorothy left on her way to Oz” and or mutual love for Dr. Who *hugs*
I am thankful for the internet and the connections that are made through it.

No Justice, No Peace

Justice for all!
Justice for all!
Liberty and Justice For All!
Not just for some
not just us
or just the U.S.

These United States need uniting.
There are so many intelligent, caring, sensitive beings here.
Out of jobs and ready for work.
These United States are made from people from every part of the world.
We can do what needs to be done to make this a more just world for everyone.
I have no doubts about our ability to do what needs to be done.

To Do:
End child abuse now.
End poverty now.
The poverty in and of the mind.
The poverty that comes from fear of not enough when in truth, there is plenty.

I’d love to see and experience the end of slavery.
I’m ready to build a brand new world.
A brand new dream.
I’m ready to let this hellish nightmare fade fade
away.

What’s on your To Do List?